A Letter To My Son

To my beloved son,

I know there are no words I can say that will change all I have done.  I just want to say how sorry I am that I wasn’t there for you when I should have been.  I let my pain and illness take over me to a point that I couldn’t be a mother to you.  I regret having to move far away to try and get better.  I hope one day that you can forgive me.  Just know that I never stopped loving you.  Now that I am recovering I am going to do everything in my power to be a good Mother to you.  I hope you and your Father move up here soon so we can be together once again, as it should be.

Love always,

Mommy

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Out of Control

Well I decided to make a list of all the medications I was on 5 months ago.  It was very hard remembering all the names.  When I was in San Diego I had 4 doctors.  I had a Psychiatrist, Rheumatologist, ECT doctor, and Primary care.  I was being treated for my mental illness and autoimmune disease ankylosing spondylitis.  I honestly believe that my autoimmune disease was psychosomatic.  The only thing they could find that was abnormal was my ESR levels.  Either way they treated me for this disease any way.

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with Major Depression, Agoraphobia, Generalized Anxiety, Panic Disorder and OCD.

These were the medications I was on.  Some of which I have come to find out aren’t even for the illnesses I was diagnosed with.

Olanzapine–Schizophrenia and bi polar disorder

Abilify– Depression, Schizophrenia, and mood disorders

Topamax– Epilepsy, migraines

Buspar– Anxiety

Cymbalta– Depression, anxiety

Xanax– Anxiety

Sonata– insomnia

Vyvanse– ADHD

Levothyroxine– Low thyroid, Depression

Humira– Inflamation, pain

Indomethasin– Joint Stiffness

Gabapentin– Nerve pain

Prednisone–Pain, Inflamtion

Naproxen– Pain

Vicodin– Pain

So I look at this list and I think to myself how the Fuck did I even function as long as I did? I mean eventually I couldn’t function anymore and I lost my career of 14 years and I couldn’t be a parent to my child and I lost everything.  It was just too much. On top of it all I was getting ECT shock treatments at the hospital 2 to 3 times a week for months.

I know I can’t completely blame the doctors.  I know it was my choice to take the medications they prescribed to me.  I thought that since a doctor was advising me to take these medications that I would get better.  Unfortunately it made me worse.

Now that I have been taking nothing for the last 5 months, I feel so much better and awakened.  I feel like I have been in a sedated reality for the last 7 years. I do still battle with my depression and pain but I can manage it. Just changing my whole environment and life style has been 100 times better than any drug I have been on.

Now I am not saying that people shouldn’t take medication.  Some medications maybe life changing for some people.  I just think in my case it got out of control.

 

 

 

 

Starting Over

It’s been a while since I last blogged.  Its been almost 5 months since I left San Diego.  A lot has changed in the last 5 months.  I’ve been completely off all meds and I am doing so much better mentally.  I always thought more medication and electro shock therapy would fix my broken mind but I have come to realize that I just needed a major life change.  Even though I was making a lot of money and I was established in my career working for the government, but I was so unbearably unhappy.  Even though I lost everything ,  I feel it was necessary to start over.

I have gone back to San Diego to see my son and I got to bring him back here to Washington and we had a wonderful time together.  I do regret not being able to see my son very often but I hope in time he can forgive me.  His father does plan to move to Washington in a year or two, so that will make things a lot easier on myself and my son.

I do have a car now and I am looking for work.  I’m scared but I know that functioning back in society will be good for me.

Ramblings of a Mental Patient

Whispers of the past still linger

Echos of pain and regret

Loneliness is all that remains

A tainted mind that never stops

Days go by with uncertainty

Nightmares have taken over my only solitude

The loss of all that was haunts my every breath

The anticipation of hope of a new life is still beneath the surface

So I just wait

For a glimpse of stability in this tragic existence

 

So Here I Stand

Here I am in this new place, scared and full of hope that my life will change for the better.  I have stopped most of my medications and now I’m down to 4.  To think I was on 14 medications at age 34 is scary to think about.  I thought all these doctors were helping me and now I think it was all about money.  I am feeling better with some withdrawal symptoms.  I drew my first picture yesterday in almost a year.  To think before I got so wrapped up in the medical system, I was drawing once a day.  I was afraid my artistic talent would be gone from all the shock treatments in the last year.  So much of my memory is gone and a blur.

I have been talking to my son every day on the phone.  It’s hard being so far away from him.  I feel like a horrible mother for leaving but I didn’t have a choice. I wasn’t being a good mother when I was there. How do you explain depression to a child? I was at a point that I couldn’t hide it anymore and I lost everything on top of it all. He’s going to spend the summer with me and I look forward to that.

I finished my resume and I have been looking for jobs.  I’m well qualified, it’s just depended on my mental illness.  Will I be able to handle working again?  but if I’m going survive and change my life for the better,  I don’t have a choice.

I’m Tired

Well I made it out of my apartment.  I’m at my Moms now.  It was a disaster getting out of there but I did the best I could.  I cleaned and tried to make the place look okay.  Turned out my friend had more stuff than me. It was very hard to get her to do anything till the bitter end.  She still has my car.  I don’t know if she will give it back.  I may have to call the police.  I need to turn that car into my law firm asap but she said she wont give it back till Monday.  I just don’t know what to do.  I’m so tired of all this.

Sometimes I Hate My Life

Well I have never cried so much as I have in the last few weeks in my life.  I made a poor decision letting my friend I grew up with live with me with her 4 year old son. They had been living in her car and were Homeless.  I knew she was a stripper and I tried not to judge.  She also had a history with drug abuse. I just couldn’t say no, when she asked me and she seemed sober.  

I basically let chaos into my home and I was sick and getting electro shock therapy treatments once a week. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING! 

This girl or should I say bitch comes into my home. Brings her cat but fails to tell me she has 3 dogs too. They were just staying some where else. The dogs piss and shit all over my carpet due to her not taking them out to go potty. On top of it I have 2 cats. So 3 dogs, 3 cats and a hamster all in an apartment. The apartment stinks to Holy hell. 

So she promises me she will pay my rent. Yeah….that was a joke. But now that we have to move out she goes out all night and meets “clients”  while I watch her son. She drives my car without a licence. I tell her no and she always manipulates me or guilt Trips me in to getting her way. 

I know I put my self in this situation. I know I’m at fault. I love her and her son. Now it’s crunch time because we have 2 days to be out of this apartment. She thinks my car is hers. I planned on turning it in with my bankruptcy but she says a client will take over the loan and give the car to her.  I’m seriously afraid I’m going to have to report that car stolen because she won’t give back to me cuz she has no where to go.

I’m so overwhelmed, I can’t see straight. The fact that I’m going to Washington for 6 months away from my son is stressful and emotionally straining as it is. 

I just want to scream