It’s Been a While

Well its been a while since I have written anything.  Its been 2 months since I have been off all my medications.  I feel better in some aspects but my depression is still there.  I try not to think about everything I’ve lost but it always comes back.  I really fucked myself but I know the main reason is because of my mental illness.  I miss my son more than anything and it’s hard to talk to him on the phone.  I feel so guilty for having to leave.  I am going to see him soon and he’s coming back with me to Washington for a little bit before he starts school.

I know I need to talk to someone but it’s so expensive.  I’m overwhelmed and fearful.  I owe so many people money and I can’t pay anyone back till I get a job.  I’ll be applying for jobs at the end of the month.  I hope I can mentally handle a job again, but really I don’t have a choice.

My memories are coming back.  I think the shock treatments didn’t do as much damage as I thought.  I keep getting head aches though.  Its hard to believe that I went from being in a mental hospital almost every day for 8 months and being on so many medications to no treatment at all.  It’s crazy to think that I had to give up my career of 14 years due to this illness.

Story to Tell

Well I certainly have a story to tell.  I had a career, an apartment, a nice car…and now its all gone.  All due to depression.  I have had my brain electrocuted about 70 times. I have tried almost every medication. Here I am homeless with my beloved cat.  

So it will be a new chapter in my life soon. I’m moving to Washington in a couple days. Mainly because I have no where I can go.  I don’t want to leave my son but what good am I if I’m homeless.

So here is to starting a new life.

Can’t Sleep

Im trying to sleep but I can’t stop crying.  How did my life get this messed up?  If social security denies my disability  claim, I am going to be so upset.  Which they probably will knowing my luck.  I have a lawyer but I know nothing about legal stuff.  All I know is if I dont start making an income soon , I’m going to be homeless and I’m going to lose everything.  I’ll be lucky if I have friend I can stay with.  My Mom wont help me,my sister wont help me because they are against ECT.  They think my treatment choice is barbaric.  So they have no sympathy for my situation.  I thought about going to Washington to live with my brother but I cant be that far away from my son and my boy friend.I pray they approve my claim

Broken

I am so broken.  I still can’t work.  Major Depression has basically ruined my life.  I still can’t get any support from the government or the state to help me survive.  I’m still waiting on my disability  claim.  I’m going to be homeless soon.  I gave full custody of my son to my ex husband so that he has a stable life.  I’m going to lose my cats , I need to find homes for them.  

I’m still waiting for my bankruptcy to go through. I can’t sell any of my stuff till that goes through.  

So yeah…..my life is fucked 

My family doesn’t support me because I’m doing ECT electro shock therapy to treat my depression.

The only support I have is my boy friend and his family.

And I’m crying as I write this….because I could really use some prayers.  Im not a religious person but I’m at my breaking point in my life and I almost just want to give up.

Karma is a bitch

Fuck I am so stressed out.  So much paper work , I’m being pulled in so many directions.  With a bankruptcy and a disability claim.  I am making no money at all.  I have little left to survive on for the next couple months.  Plus on top of all of this I have my Electro Shock treatments twice a week.  My brother wants me to move to Washington because its cheaper.  I am tempted but I just don’t know if I could leave my son for that long.  I know his dad and I could work something out but it would be very hard.  I just don’t know.  but I can’t survive here , there is no way .  My brain hurts from thinking so much , I guess this is what I get for all the horrible things I’ve done

Overwhelmed 

I’m  at my boy friends tonight because I didn’t want to be alone . I was going to stay at my mom’s but she told me to toughen up .  Im so overwhelmed with paperwork from my bankruptcy , from my disability , taxes, I just hate it. My apartment is a mess .  I need help.  The only person helping me is my boyfriend Eric and his family.  My family doesn’t even want to deal with me.  

Can’t Sleep

I can’t sleep.  How the hell am I supposed to sleep when my life is falling apart?  I’m losing my job.  I’m losing my home, I wont be able to see my son as often, I’m losing my cats.  I mean Fuck how much do I have to go through?  Do I really deserve this?  I have helped a lot people over the years, so I don’t understand why I am going through this.  This isn’t fair.  I am a human being who is suffering with a disease.  It shouldn’t be this hard to get benefits if you are suffering from an illness and you can’t work anymore.  I just want to live my life.

Falling Apart

Well my life is falling apart.  I filed for bankruptcy and I’m going to lose all my stuff because I can’t afford to live here for much longer.  I’m still waiting for my disability to come through but even when it does I’m not going to making enough to survive.  My work is doing nothing to help me.  I’m basically going to become homeless because of my illness and lose everything because I’m not making an income.  I worked for the government for 12 years and they are doing nothing to help me.  It’s killing me that I can’t see my son as much right now but I’m not stable so he’s in a better place .  I want his life to be as stable as possible.  It still hurts though.  I have ECT tomorrow.  Then it’s another 2 days of not being able to drive again.  My boyfriend got his own place.  It’s really nice.  Now it’s just me alone to figure out this mess I created.  I spent today with one of my old friends which was nice.

I keep telling myself that it’s just stuff.  That most of my things can be let go, given away or sold.  I think the hardest thing will be going through my sons room and getting rid of stuff.  His dad said I could send some stuff over there, which is good.

I used to always be the stable one.  Now I’m going to be homeless, I have failed as a mother.  Depression has ruined my life