My Brother

So, it’s almost time. My son will be here in two days.  I am excited and scared all at the same time.  I have not seen my son since August.  Which is a long time not to see your child.

I want so much for this visit to work out and go well but I know it won’t.  All I can do is hope that the next time he comes out that I have my own place and get out of this horrible situation that I’m in.  I’m just going to accept that its not going to go well, that way I’m not disappointed.

I need to accept that even though my Brother meant well by having me live with him, it doesn’t change the fact that he is emotionally abusive.

I think my Brother has just been through so much that it has made his soul angry.  Which I understand but its not right to take it out on the people around you.

It’s sad really. I always looked up to my Brother and thought he was a fun person but in truth I never really knew him.  He moved out when I was 3 years old.  The brother I knew was high and on hard drugs but I didn’t know that.  Now that he has been off hard drugs, he’s different and not the Brother I knew.  I’m glad he’s off meth but I can’t even be around him unless he has smoked weed.

In some ways he reminds me so much of my Mother. He gets angry about the most mediocre shit. It makes me think “why waste your fucking energy on shit that means nothing?”  I just don’t get it, “You are going to ruin your whole day along with some one else’s because someone didn’t fucking fold your towels correctly?”.  Why not just be grateful that someone did your laundry and folded it and put it away?

All I know is that the fantasy of my Brother that I had in my head as a child is completely destroyed.  The fact that I can’t even get up in the middle of the night to go pee, in fear that I may wake my Brother up is devastating.  I have even resorted to peeing in bottles in my room so I don’t risk waking him up.  That is just fucking heart breaking.


The Little Things

I’m so lonely, I know I have said that before but I’m saying it again.  I’m used to being in a relationship and having some friends.  I miss having someone to talk to when I get home from work. Most of all I miss having my son with me and having a routine.  It’s funny how the little things can mean so much.  Just getting my son ready for bed and reading him a bed time story or watching Spongebob on the TV, those are the things I miss.

So here I am, alone and unhappy.  I know I didn’t have the greatest of friends but I loved them just the same.  Most don’t even talk to me or acknowledge that I exist since the divorce and me falling apart.  They just judged me and moved on. I know I made terrible mistakes and ruined my life in the process but it would have been nice if they had stood by me anyway and realized that people can change.



The Pain of Divorce

I was thinking about my ex- in laws today.  I haven’t thought about them in a long time.  They were practically my second parents growing up.  I haven’t talked to them in over a year now.  I think one of the most painful things going through the divorce was losing them.  I cared so much about what they thought of me.  I sometimes wonder if they ever think about me.  I’m pretty sure I’m a fuck up in their eyes.  There are some things that they told me that I wish I had listened to.

There is so much that happened during the divorce that is a blur.  Ever since I had shock treatments on my brain, the whole event is like a dream that I’m trying to remember but I can only get bits and pieces.   I know when I found out my ex husband had remarried barely a year after we divorced, just devastated me.  I think everything went down hill for me after that.  I also remember that my ex husband refused to be friends with me, even though we share a child really hurt me too.

I think with all the pain of the divorce and the fact that I hated my job didn’t help.  My ex husband and is family worked on the same naval base as I did at one time.  So I had to come to work every day and be reminded of them, it was just too much.

I of course turned to alcohol almost every day to ease my suffering but what I didn’t realize is that it was just making me worse.  So I then started going to the doctor a lot, hoping that they could fix my pain.  It just seemed like I was getting put on a new medication every couple months. Till eventually I was on 16 medications at the same time.  I could barely function and just started not going to work anymore.  I still can’t believe I was still driving at this point.  No one should be driving while on that many medications.  So doctors didn’t know what else to do with me except start giving me shock treatments to my brain 2 to 3 times a week for 8 months.  Honestly I liked it.  I liked being put under and losing my memory after.  It was nice not having to remember the past.  I think that’s why I kept doing it for as long as I did.  But it was short lived.

I just came to a point that I couldn’t function at all anymore and I just lost everything and ended up here in Washington with my Brother.  What I regret the most is that I couldn’t be a parent to my son.  It’s hurts so much that he is living in another state from me and I can barely see him.  I know he is being well taken care of by his father and step mother but it’s still hard.  That is my baby.

Now that I have been off all the medications for about 5 months now.  I feel so much better and clear headed.  I’m starting over and I have a new job that I’m starting soon and everything is going to be okay I hope.  I still have a lot I need to take of financially to get back on track, which it will take time but at least ill be doing something about it.

I’m not going to say divorce ruined my life but it didn’t help.

It’s Been a While

Well its been a while since I have written anything.  Its been 2 months since I have been off all my medications.  I feel better in some aspects but my depression is still there.  I try not to think about everything I’ve lost but it always comes back.  I really fucked myself but I know the main reason is because of my mental illness.  I miss my son more than anything and it’s hard to talk to him on the phone.  I feel so guilty for having to leave.  I am going to see him soon and he’s coming back with me to Washington for a little bit before he starts school.

I know I need to talk to someone but it’s so expensive.  I’m overwhelmed and fearful.  I owe so many people money and I can’t pay anyone back till I get a job.  I’ll be applying for jobs at the end of the month.  I hope I can mentally handle a job again, but really I don’t have a choice.

My memories are coming back.  I think the shock treatments didn’t do as much damage as I thought.  I keep getting head aches though.  Its hard to believe that I went from being in a mental hospital almost every day for 8 months and being on so many medications to no treatment at all.  It’s crazy to think that I had to give up my career of 14 years due to this illness.

Story to Tell

Well I certainly have a story to tell.  I had a career, an apartment, a nice car…and now its all gone.  All due to depression.  I have had my brain electrocuted about 70 times. I have tried almost every medication. Here I am homeless with my beloved cat.  

So it will be a new chapter in my life soon. I’m moving to Washington in a couple days. Mainly because I have no where I can go.  I don’t want to leave my son but what good am I if I’m homeless.

So here is to starting a new life.

Can’t Sleep

Im trying to sleep but I can’t stop crying.  How did my life get this messed up?  If social security denies my disability  claim, I am going to be so upset.  Which they probably will knowing my luck.  I have a lawyer but I know nothing about legal stuff.  All I know is if I dont start making an income soon , I’m going to be homeless and I’m going to lose everything.  I’ll be lucky if I have friend I can stay with.  My Mom wont help me,my sister wont help me because they are against ECT.  They think my treatment choice is barbaric.  So they have no sympathy for my situation.  I thought about going to Washington to live with my brother but I cant be that far away from my son and my boy friend.I pray they approve my claim


I am so broken.  I still can’t work.  Major Depression has basically ruined my life.  I still can’t get any support from the government or the state to help me survive.  I’m still waiting on my disability  claim.  I’m going to be homeless soon.  I gave full custody of my son to my ex husband so that he has a stable life.  I’m going to lose my cats , I need to find homes for them.  

I’m still waiting for my bankruptcy to go through. I can’t sell any of my stuff till that goes through.  

So yeah… life is fucked 

My family doesn’t support me because I’m doing ECT electro shock therapy to treat my depression.

The only support I have is my boy friend and his family.

And I’m crying as I write this….because I could really use some prayers.  Im not a religious person but I’m at my breaking point in my life and I almost just want to give up.

Karma is a bitch

Fuck I am so stressed out.  So much paper work , I’m being pulled in so many directions.  With a bankruptcy and a disability claim.  I am making no money at all.  I have little left to survive on for the next couple months.  Plus on top of all of this I have my Electro Shock treatments twice a week.  My brother wants me to move to Washington because its cheaper.  I am tempted but I just don’t know if I could leave my son for that long.  I know his dad and I could work something out but it would be very hard.  I just don’t know.  but I can’t survive here , there is no way .  My brain hurts from thinking so much , I guess this is what I get for all the horrible things I’ve done


I’m  at my boy friends tonight because I didn’t want to be alone . I was going to stay at my mom’s but she told me to toughen up .  Im so overwhelmed with paperwork from my bankruptcy , from my disability , taxes, I just hate it. My apartment is a mess .  I need help.  The only person helping me is my boyfriend Eric and his family.  My family doesn’t even want to deal with me.