Ramblings of a Mental Patient

Whispers of the past still linger

Echos of pain and regret

Loneliness is all that remains

A tainted mind that never stops

Days go by with uncertainty

Nightmares have taken over my only solitude

The loss of all that was haunts my every breath

The anticipation of hope of a new life is still beneath the surface

So I just wait

For a glimpse of stability in this tragic existence


Drug Free

Well I took all my medications and put them in a bag and my brother took a brick and crushed them all and buried the remnants in the ground.  It was satisfying to watch. I’m on one medication now and I stopped it today.  So as of today I’m medication free.  I’m so done with doctors over medicating me.  I’m ready to me again and I’m taking natural remedies for my depression when needed.  I can’t believe I was on 14 medications.  How the hell did I function?…..oh right I barely was functioning.

Things are going pretty well here in Washington.   I miss my son very much but ill be seeing him soon.  I’ll also see my cat soon.  I miss them both.  It will be nice spending the summer with my son.  I know I’m not being a full time mom like I should be but hopefully his Father will move up here and then I can be more there for my son.

My next goal is to lose all this weight.  I gained so much from all those medications.  I weigh as much as I did when I was 9 months pregnant.  It’s tough carrying all this weight around.  I’ll be fasting soon to help cleanse my system.

So Here I Stand

Here I am in this new place, scared and full of hope that my life will change for the better.  I have stopped most of my medications and now I’m down to 4.  To think I was on 14 medications at age 34 is scary to think about.  I thought all these doctors were helping me and now I think it was all about money.  I am feeling better with some withdrawal symptoms.  I drew my first picture yesterday in almost a year.  To think before I got so wrapped up in the medical system, I was drawing once a day.  I was afraid my artistic talent would be gone from all the shock treatments in the last year.  So much of my memory is gone and a blur.

I have been talking to my son every day on the phone.  It’s hard being so far away from him.  I feel like a horrible mother for leaving but I didn’t have a choice. I wasn’t being a good mother when I was there. How do you explain depression to a child? I was at a point that I couldn’t hide it anymore and I lost everything on top of it all. He’s going to spend the summer with me and I look forward to that.

I finished my resume and I have been looking for jobs.  I’m well qualified, it’s just depended on my mental illness.  Will I be able to handle working again?  but if I’m going survive and change my life for the better,  I don’t have a choice.

Story to Tell

Well I certainly have a story to tell.  I had a career, an apartment, a nice car…and now its all gone.  All due to depression.  I have had my brain electrocuted about 70 times. I have tried almost every medication. Here I am homeless with my beloved cat.  

So it will be a new chapter in my life soon. I’m moving to Washington in a couple days. Mainly because I have no where I can go.  I don’t want to leave my son but what good am I if I’m homeless.

So here is to starting a new life.

I’m Tired

Well I made it out of my apartment.  I’m at my Moms now.  It was a disaster getting out of there but I did the best I could.  I cleaned and tried to make the place look okay.  Turned out my friend had more stuff than me. It was very hard to get her to do anything till the bitter end.  She still has my car.  I don’t know if she will give it back.  I may have to call the police.  I need to turn that car into my law firm asap but she said she wont give it back till Monday.  I just don’t know what to do.  I’m so tired of all this.

Sometimes I Hate My Life

Well I have never cried so much as I have in the last few weeks in my life.  I made a poor decision letting my friend I grew up with live with me with her 4 year old son. They had been living in her car and were Homeless.  I knew she was a stripper and I tried not to judge.  She also had a history with drug abuse. I just couldn’t say no, when she asked me and she seemed sober.  

I basically let chaos into my home and I was sick and getting electro shock therapy treatments once a week. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING! 

This girl or should I say bitch comes into my home. Brings her cat but fails to tell me she has 3 dogs too. They were just staying some where else. The dogs piss and shit all over my carpet due to her not taking them out to go potty. On top of it I have 2 cats. So 3 dogs, 3 cats and a hamster all in an apartment. The apartment stinks to Holy hell. 

So she promises me she will pay my rent. Yeah….that was a joke. But now that we have to move out she goes out all night and meets “clients”  while I watch her son. She drives my car without a licence. I tell her no and she always manipulates me or guilt Trips me in to getting her way. 

I know I put my self in this situation. I know I’m at fault. I love her and her son. Now it’s crunch time because we have 2 days to be out of this apartment. She thinks my car is hers. I planned on turning it in with my bankruptcy but she says a client will take over the loan and give the car to her.  I’m seriously afraid I’m going to have to report that car stolen because she won’t give back to me cuz she has no where to go.

I’m so overwhelmed, I can’t see straight. The fact that I’m going to Washington for 6 months away from my son is stressful and emotionally straining as it is. 

I just want to scream

Starting Over

Well a lot has happened since my last blog.  I don’t even know where to start.  I’m single now, which is interesting.  I guess its for the best though, that’s all I got to say about that.  I stopped doing ECT treatments because I almost died from choking on my vomit while I was under anesthesia.  I started doing TMS treatments and it’s surprisingly helping my depression a little.  I have decided to go to Washington for 6 months to get off all my medications and stop my treatments.  Being on all these meds and having my brain shocked over 70 times has ruined my life.  I need to start over.  I’m on 12 medications for my depression….they don’t do crap.  I’m done.

I’m scared

Well I have pretty much hit rock bottom.  I went to my electro shock treatment yesterday and almost died.  I’ve decided I’m not doing anymore treatments. I’ve done close to 60 treatments and this last one scared the crap out of me.  When they put me under with the anesthesia, I ended up vomiting and almost choking to death and I inhaled it into my lungs. I couldn’t breath, I was put on oxygen, it was terrible.  When I got home all I wanted to do was sleep and I had a high fever. Now I’m really sore from the whole thing. I can’t take a deep breath without my lungs hurting.   My throat is sore too because they shoved a tube down it or something when I was choking.

So I’m at staying at my parents tonight to get a break from the stress at home.  I need to recover so I can deal with my life falling apart.  I still need to come up with the rest of rent.  My car is getting taken away.  I need to sell the rest of my stuff.  I’m losing everything.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m scared.