Trying to Make Friends

Well things are a little better but unfortunately I wont be able to move out of my brothers as soon as I had hoped because I need to pay off my IRS debt.  I made an appointment with a therapist on Monday.  I am so looking forward to talking to someone.  I feel so alone, it’s sad.

My co-workers invited me out tonight but I chickened out.  I’m scared that I may open up too much because I haven’t had anyone to really talk to in a long time.  I don’t want to give myself away that I’m mentally ill.  I think I may invite them out another time after I have started therapy.

 

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Cleaning Up The Past

Well its the new year and its not going well so far.  The past is coming back to haunt me and forcing me to face my mistakes.  The IRS has frozen my bank account and I’m assuming they plan to garnish my wages.  I owe them money for taking loans out of my retirement to survive while I wasn’t working due to my mental illness.  I know I should have tried to take care of it but I was too drugged up and doing shock treatments.  I was just trying to survive each day.

I now have to go into work tomorrow and let my boss know, if he doesn’t know already.  It’s going to be so embarrassing.  I also still need to call the IRS to see if they will just take part of my pay checks instead of everything till the debt is paid.  It’s just hard to call because the wait time is 45 min to hour to talk to someone and they are only open during the times I work.

I just hope I can work this out some how to where I at least get enough money each month for food.  I also don’t want to explain to them that the reason I haven’t taken care of this is because I was in and out a mental hospital for almost a year getting shock treatments.

I just want to scream. When will I get a break from fucking up my life?  I’m trying so hard to get my life back together.

Dead to Me

So today I want to write about my friend Kasey.  I have known her since she was one years old.  We were best friends growing up.  She was like a sister to me.  I used to always consider her the twin sister I never had because my twin died in the womb.  We did everything together.  She was smart and loved writing but all that changed.  She worked normal jobs out of high school and then discovered stripping.  Soon after stripping she discovered drugs and all kinds of men.  It started with xanax and then later she moved on to meth.

She ended up getting pregnant and I took her in for a while but eventually she ended up abandoning her daughter with her Mother.  She then went back to stripping and got pregnant again and was living on the streets and I took her in again and helped her through her pregnancy.  Once she had her son, my husband couldn’t take it anymore and we made her move in with the Father of her child.  That didn’t last long and she ended up stripping again and then escorting.  Then she basically ended up couch hopping with her son where ever they could stay.  She started doing drugs again but not meth this time.  She started snorting and smoking Aderal and whatever pharmaceuticals she could get her hands on.

A couple years went by and I didn’t really hear from her and when I did she wanted money.  Then 6 months ago before I came here to Washington, I took her in again.  She had been living in her car with her 5 year old son, 3 dogs and her cat.  I thought maybe if I helped her again that she would get back track and I was in a lonely spot and I think a part of me missed the old Kasey that I grew up with.

Well that was one of the worst mistakes I ever made.  She just ended up using me till I had no more strength left to give.  I unfortunately don’t remember too much of all that happened because I was getting shock treatments at the time and I was heavily medicated.  All I know is that she really fucked me and made my life a whole lot worse.  What’s the saddest part about all of this is that she makes her son live this life of instability.  Her son is also Autistic and needs structure.

Well since I have been living in Washington, she has been doing her usual thing, couch hopping or living in her car.  Recently I found out that she had been staying at my friend Becky’s place.  Becky is another friend that we both grew up with.  I guess she has been at Becky’s for about 3 months now and has created nothing but chaos.  Becky and her husband have 3 children.  Kasey being her selfish self decided to start sleeping with Becky’s husband and has been giving him drugs and all the while Becky is watching her son with other 3 children while her husband and Kasey go out and party.  This I thought was even low for Kasey because she usually wouldn’t betray a close friend in that way.  I also heard from Becky that she has started cutting herself which is not like her.

Becky hasn’t kicked her out yet despite the pain the betrayal she is going through because she loves Kasey and doesn’t want her and her son to live on the streets.  My heart aches for Becky because I know the pain Kasey causes and I blame the drugs.  As far as I’m concerned Kasey is dead.  Drugs have basically consumed her soul and she is just an empty shell that feeds like a parasite to get what she wants.

So I’m done. Kasey is dead.

 

 

Palpitations

Well things have been okay for the last couple weeks.  My Brother hasn’t had any major temper tantrums but I’m still always on edge. I started having heart palpitations again.  I haven’t had them since my son was born.  In fact heart palpitations are the reason I got started on the whole medication roller coaster.  The doctor diagnosed me with postpartum depression and anxiety and then prescribed me Xanax…. and that’s where it started and how everything went to shit.  One bottle of Xanax to 16 medications and shock treatments to my brain.

I think the heart palpitations may be caused from sleep deprivation and stress.  It makes sense because when I was a new mother, I wasn’t getting much sleep.  Now I just have a needy elderly cat that doesn’t let me sleep much and an angry Brother that always keeps me on edge.

I’m hoping the heart palpitations go away, I refuse to go on medication.

I’ve been feeling really lonely again.  I miss going and having coffee with someone and having a good conversation.  I got invited to my work Christmas party but I have no one to go with and I still don’t feel close enough to my co workers to go alone, so I’m not going.

I miss having friends

I think I also feel down that I wont be with my son for Christmas.  This will be my first Christmas without him and I feel really guilty about it but I can’t miss work yet.  I just haven’t been there long enough.

 

Hiding Mental Illness at Work

Since the unfortunate events that took place with my Brother in the last couple days, I still had to go to work.  I was mentally a mess but I went to work any way because I refuse to let my mental illness get in the way of my job again.  I looked like hell because I had been crying so much.  My eyes were so puffy and my face was so pale that not even make up could fix it.  My boss suspected something was wrong and I told him that I had a migraine and that I would do my best.  In truth I did have a horrible head ache, almost like a hang over.  It amazes me how the brain can make you physically sick when you are just mentally sick.

So I got through work and even did a good job at it.  I even thought about sitting in my car some where after work for a while because I didn’t want to go home in fear that my Brother would yell at me again but then I realized I would probably get yelled at for not being home in time for dinner.  So I went home and luckily my Brother went to urgent care about his illness and found out he had pneumonia and is now taking antibiotics and is doing a little better.

I felt pretty proud of myself that I got through work despite my condition.  I try and hide my mental illness the best I can at work but I know I’m different than most people there.  Everyone is very social and they want to talk to me and I try to converse with people but in the back of my head I’m thinking I just want to escape and get back to focusing on my job.  I’m scared that someone is going to read right through me and know something is wrong.  I know co workers are curious about why I left such a good career working for the government for 14 years where I made more money an hour than most of their top supervisors.  Now I’m making a little over minimum wage.  I just try to avoid people as much as possible to avoid questions.

If I told the truth and people at work found out that I was in a mental hospital and received shock treatments for 8 months, they would probably think I’m crazy and shouldn’t be there.  So I’m going to try my best not to get close to anyone at work, as much as I want to make new friends because I am so lonely.  Having a mental illness is very hard and trying to be a part of society again is even harder.

New Job

So I started my new job.  Its hard work and I’m making half of what I used to make at my last job but what matters is that I’m making something.  I’m catching on okay but I am still having a little trouble with my short term memory.  I’m assuming its just the effects of the shock treatments still. I get along with everyone okay so far which is good but I can tell that people are curious as to why I am working at a car dealership when I had a successful career working for the Government.  I just hope no one asks me too much about my past.  

I thought a lot about my past today.  It made me wish that I had someone to talk to about it.  I think I just need someone to talk to in general.  I hope to start seeing a therapist as soon as I get paid.  I think that will help me.

I’m so lonely 

Side Effect

It’s just a side effect, nothing is wrong
Relax, it’s only for now
Just a temporary bump in the road
A lapse, it’s under control

Stop alarming yourselves
There’s no need for panic
Please remain calm
Your compliance isn’t optional
Now, calmly

Line up
Stay down

The game is rigged
So the same side wins
No matter how many times we try

It’s just a side effect, nothing is wrong
Relax and swallow your dose
Just a necessary step on the road
To track and stay in control

Stop alarming yourselves
There’s no need for panic
Please remain calm
Your compliance isn’t optional
Now, calmly

Line up
Stay down

The game is rigged
So the same side wins
No matter how many times we try

Line up
Stay down

The game is rigged
So the same side wins
No matter how many times we try

Line up
Stay down

The game is rigged
So the same side wins
No matter how many times we try

A Letter To My Son

To my beloved son,

I know there are no words I can say that will change all I have done.  I just want to say how sorry I am that I wasn’t there for you when I should have been.  I let my pain and illness take over me to a point that I couldn’t be a mother to you.  I regret having to move far away to try and get better.  I hope one day that you can forgive me.  Just know that I never stopped loving you.  Now that I am recovering I am going to do everything in my power to be a good Mother to you.  I hope you and your Father move up here soon so we can be together once again, as it should be.

Love always,

Mommy

The Pain of Divorce

I was thinking about my ex- in laws today.  I haven’t thought about them in a long time.  They were practically my second parents growing up.  I haven’t talked to them in over a year now.  I think one of the most painful things going through the divorce was losing them.  I cared so much about what they thought of me.  I sometimes wonder if they ever think about me.  I’m pretty sure I’m a fuck up in their eyes.  There are some things that they told me that I wish I had listened to.

There is so much that happened during the divorce that is a blur.  Ever since I had shock treatments on my brain, the whole event is like a dream that I’m trying to remember but I can only get bits and pieces.   I know when I found out my ex husband had remarried barely a year after we divorced, just devastated me.  I think everything went down hill for me after that.  I also remember that my ex husband refused to be friends with me, even though we share a child really hurt me too.

I think with all the pain of the divorce and the fact that I hated my job didn’t help.  My ex husband and is family worked on the same naval base as I did at one time.  So I had to come to work every day and be reminded of them, it was just too much.

I of course turned to alcohol almost every day to ease my suffering but what I didn’t realize is that it was just making me worse.  So I then started going to the doctor a lot, hoping that they could fix my pain.  It just seemed like I was getting put on a new medication every couple months. Till eventually I was on 16 medications at the same time.  I could barely function and just started not going to work anymore.  I still can’t believe I was still driving at this point.  No one should be driving while on that many medications.  So doctors didn’t know what else to do with me except start giving me shock treatments to my brain 2 to 3 times a week for 8 months.  Honestly I liked it.  I liked being put under and losing my memory after.  It was nice not having to remember the past.  I think that’s why I kept doing it for as long as I did.  But it was short lived.

I just came to a point that I couldn’t function at all anymore and I just lost everything and ended up here in Washington with my Brother.  What I regret the most is that I couldn’t be a parent to my son.  It’s hurts so much that he is living in another state from me and I can barely see him.  I know he is being well taken care of by his father and step mother but it’s still hard.  That is my baby.

Now that I have been off all the medications for about 5 months now.  I feel so much better and clear headed.  I’m starting over and I have a new job that I’m starting soon and everything is going to be okay I hope.  I still have a lot I need to take of financially to get back on track, which it will take time but at least ill be doing something about it.

I’m not going to say divorce ruined my life but it didn’t help.