New Job

So I started my new job.  Its hard work and I’m making half of what I used to make at my last job but what matters is that I’m making something.  I’m catching on okay but I am still having a little trouble with my short term memory.  I’m assuming its just the effects of the shock treatments still. I get along with everyone okay so far which is good but I can tell that people are curious as to why I am working at a car dealership when I had a successful career working for the Government.  I just hope no one asks me too much about my past.  

I thought a lot about my past today.  It made me wish that I had someone to talk to about it.  I think I just need someone to talk to in general.  I hope to start seeing a therapist as soon as I get paid.  I think that will help me.

I’m so lonely 

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Side Effect

It’s just a side effect, nothing is wrong
Relax, it’s only for now
Just a temporary bump in the road
A lapse, it’s under control

Stop alarming yourselves
There’s no need for panic
Please remain calm
Your compliance isn’t optional
Now, calmly

Line up
Stay down

The game is rigged
So the same side wins
No matter how many times we try

It’s just a side effect, nothing is wrong
Relax and swallow your dose
Just a necessary step on the road
To track and stay in control

Stop alarming yourselves
There’s no need for panic
Please remain calm
Your compliance isn’t optional
Now, calmly

Line up
Stay down

The game is rigged
So the same side wins
No matter how many times we try

Line up
Stay down

The game is rigged
So the same side wins
No matter how many times we try

Line up
Stay down

The game is rigged
So the same side wins
No matter how many times we try

A Letter To My Son

To my beloved son,

I know there are no words I can say that will change all I have done.  I just want to say how sorry I am that I wasn’t there for you when I should have been.  I let my pain and illness take over me to a point that I couldn’t be a mother to you.  I regret having to move far away to try and get better.  I hope one day that you can forgive me.  Just know that I never stopped loving you.  Now that I am recovering I am going to do everything in my power to be a good Mother to you.  I hope you and your Father move up here soon so we can be together once again, as it should be.

Love always,

Mommy

The Pain of Divorce

I was thinking about my ex- in laws today.  I haven’t thought about them in a long time.  They were practically my second parents growing up.  I haven’t talked to them in over a year now.  I think one of the most painful things going through the divorce was losing them.  I cared so much about what they thought of me.  I sometimes wonder if they ever think about me.  I’m pretty sure I’m a fuck up in their eyes.  There are some things that they told me that I wish I had listened to.

There is so much that happened during the divorce that is a blur.  Ever since I had shock treatments on my brain, the whole event is like a dream that I’m trying to remember but I can only get bits and pieces.   I know when I found out my ex husband had remarried barely a year after we divorced, just devastated me.  I think everything went down hill for me after that.  I also remember that my ex husband refused to be friends with me, even though we share a child really hurt me too.

I think with all the pain of the divorce and the fact that I hated my job didn’t help.  My ex husband and is family worked on the same naval base as I did at one time.  So I had to come to work every day and be reminded of them, it was just too much.

I of course turned to alcohol almost every day to ease my suffering but what I didn’t realize is that it was just making me worse.  So I then started going to the doctor a lot, hoping that they could fix my pain.  It just seemed like I was getting put on a new medication every couple months. Till eventually I was on 16 medications at the same time.  I could barely function and just started not going to work anymore.  I still can’t believe I was still driving at this point.  No one should be driving while on that many medications.  So doctors didn’t know what else to do with me except start giving me shock treatments to my brain 2 to 3 times a week for 8 months.  Honestly I liked it.  I liked being put under and losing my memory after.  It was nice not having to remember the past.  I think that’s why I kept doing it for as long as I did.  But it was short lived.

I just came to a point that I couldn’t function at all anymore and I just lost everything and ended up here in Washington with my Brother.  What I regret the most is that I couldn’t be a parent to my son.  It’s hurts so much that he is living in another state from me and I can barely see him.  I know he is being well taken care of by his father and step mother but it’s still hard.  That is my baby.

Now that I have been off all the medications for about 5 months now.  I feel so much better and clear headed.  I’m starting over and I have a new job that I’m starting soon and everything is going to be okay I hope.  I still have a lot I need to take of financially to get back on track, which it will take time but at least ill be doing something about it.

I’m not going to say divorce ruined my life but it didn’t help.

Hoping for Revelation

It’s interesting how life can suddenly change.  I think about the past and all that could have been.  I’m scared what my future might hold.  I have had so many struggles in my life so far, I don’t know if I can bare anymore pain.  I find myself wondering if it all was meant to happen this way.  I wonder if everything had a purpose to mold me some how to become a stronger person.  I keep hoping for some kind of revelation to the purpose of my misfortune.

To Be Loved

So I had a day to myself today.  I got all my house work done and I had some time to myself.  I went in my room and sat on my bed and I looked through my old pictures.  I know I shouldn’t reminisce about the past but I just can’t help it sometimes.  Since I have moved to Washington and gotten off all the meds I feel like a different person.  I looked back at my pictures and how things were before I became so consumed with addiction and mental illness.  I know things weren’t as happy as I looked in those pictures.  Slowly but surely addiction and mental illness were taking over my life till it completely did.

I think about how things went so wrong with my marriage.  I practically grew up with my husband from childhood and his parents were my parents.  So much I regret.  So many things I wish I had done differently.  Instead I just let doctors pack on more pills for my depression and the more I drank because I just wanted to feel nothing.  Now my ex husband can barely talk to me.  He despises me so much for wasting his life.  I still love him though and always will.  I know that he hates the fact that we share a child together and knows he can never truly get rid of me.  The sad part about it is my child sees it too.

I do wonder now that I’m in a new place and starting over if ill ever meet someone.  Will anyone be willing to accept me for who I am and all that I have been through. Can anyone love me after knowing I have been in a mental hospital and received 65 shock treatments to my brain?  I don’t want to spend the rest of my life not ever being touched or loved by someone.  I know my beauty has faded over the years but I’m not entirely ugly yet.  I hope I have a chance to be with someone who makes me happy.  I don’t want this to be the end.

Out of Control

Well I decided to make a list of all the medications I was on 5 months ago.  It was very hard remembering all the names.  When I was in San Diego I had 4 doctors.  I had a Psychiatrist, Rheumatologist, ECT doctor, and Primary care.  I was being treated for my mental illness and autoimmune disease ankylosing spondylitis.  I honestly believe that my autoimmune disease was psychosomatic.  The only thing they could find that was abnormal was my ESR levels.  Either way they treated me for this disease any way.

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with Major Depression, Agoraphobia, Generalized Anxiety, Panic Disorder and OCD.

These were the medications I was on.  Some of which I have come to find out aren’t even for the illnesses I was diagnosed with.

Olanzapine–Schizophrenia and bi polar disorder

Abilify– Depression, Schizophrenia, and mood disorders

Topamax– Epilepsy, migraines

Buspar– Anxiety

Cymbalta– Depression, anxiety

Xanax– Anxiety

Sonata– insomnia

Vyvanse– ADHD

Levothyroxine– Low thyroid, Depression

Humira– Inflamation, pain

Indomethasin– Joint Stiffness

Gabapentin– Nerve pain

Prednisone–Pain, Inflamtion

Naproxen– Pain

Vicodin– Pain

So I look at this list and I think to myself how the Fuck did I even function as long as I did? I mean eventually I couldn’t function anymore and I lost my career of 14 years and I couldn’t be a parent to my child and I lost everything.  It was just too much. On top of it all I was getting ECT shock treatments at the hospital 2 to 3 times a week for months.

I know I can’t completely blame the doctors.  I know it was my choice to take the medications they prescribed to me.  I thought that since a doctor was advising me to take these medications that I would get better.  Unfortunately it made me worse.

Now that I have been taking nothing for the last 5 months, I feel so much better and awakened.  I feel like I have been in a sedated reality for the last 7 years. I do still battle with my depression and pain but I can manage it. Just changing my whole environment and life style has been 100 times better than any drug I have been on.

Now I am not saying that people shouldn’t take medication.  Some medications maybe life changing for some people.  I just think in my case it got out of control.

 

 

 

 

Just a Thought

So I have been watching this series of documentaries on people with mental illnesses that get admitted into mental wards in Britain.  I found it to be really interesting, especially considering that I have been admitted to a mental hospital myself.  There was a case of this elderly woman in her 70’s that never battled with mental illness till she became elderly.  When she came into the hospital she was incoherent and paced back and forth and mumbled to herself about not knowing who she was.  She didn’t respond to medication at all and was in the hospital for 9 months in this state.  Then the doctors decided to try ECT on her which is shock treatment and all they did was two rounds of treatment and she mercilessly became her self again and regained her memory.  They discharged her a month later back into society.

Now the reason I brought this woman up is because it amazes me how complex the brain is.  I did 65 rounds of ECT and only had a little improvement and lots of memory loss and dizzy spells.  I am still struggling with mental illness but I am doing better than I was when I was on 12 to 14 medications a day.  I think the biggest help to my improvement was changing my environment.  Yes, I did lose everything by making this change and it is painful but far less painful than the life was living before.

Any ways, Just a thought

Starting Over

It’s been a while since I last blogged.  Its been almost 5 months since I left San Diego.  A lot has changed in the last 5 months.  I’ve been completely off all meds and I am doing so much better mentally.  I always thought more medication and electro shock therapy would fix my broken mind but I have come to realize that I just needed a major life change.  Even though I was making a lot of money and I was established in my career working for the government, but I was so unbearably unhappy.  Even though I lost everything ,  I feel it was necessary to start over.

I have gone back to San Diego to see my son and I got to bring him back here to Washington and we had a wonderful time together.  I do regret not being able to see my son very often but I hope in time he can forgive me.  His father does plan to move to Washington in a year or two, so that will make things a lot easier on myself and my son.

I do have a car now and I am looking for work.  I’m scared but I know that functioning back in society will be good for me.