Bad Day

So I had a not so good day today.  I have been stressing a lot about trying to get my son up here to visit on his spring break and trying to figure out daycare so I can still go to work and he can be here for at least a week. Plus its his birthday this week and it will be the first Birthday I’m not there. Its very hard. He’s not doing well in school, he even got suspended for threatening to bring a gun school. The school and the police are doing an investigation. He’s 8 years old, I don’t think he meant it.  I can’t help but feel responsible though because I’m not there.

Well I came home from work today 20 min before my Brother.  I usually get home 2 hours later.  Any ways he got mad that I hadn’t started on dinner.  I did the dishes and took the recycling out but because I was sitting on the phone talking to my sister when he walked in, he got mad.  So I panicked and tried to find anything else he might get upset about and take care of it but I couldn’t find anything because I cleaned the whole house yesterday.  So I went to my room and cried for a little bit. Pulled my self together and washed my face but he could tell that I was crying and then he got mad at me for crying and told me  I’m too sensitive and to get over it.

So I apologized again and I figure I just can’t win. I’ll make sure to have dinner waiting though if I get home from work before him.

On a different note, in my last blog I was talking about my dream about my ex in-laws. Well oddly enough I got a text from my ex mother in law tonight inviting me to video chat with her but I don’t know if she meant to send it or if it was an accident.  I’m scared.  I love her very much, she’s like a second Mother to me but I just feel so ashamed to talk to her. I really fucked up my life and let them down. So I just don’t know.

So I’m going to try and sleep and hopefully tomorrow will be better.

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Dreams

Well for the last few days I have been having dreams about my ex in laws and my ex husband.  Its been really affecting me.  It takes me a while to snap out of it when I wake up, its very painful mentally.  I am under a lot of stress, my son is not doing well in school and has been having anger issues.  I’m still on edge all the time around my Brother.

I’m going to try and make effort to join some kind of support group but there just isn’t a lot of options in this city.  I’m going to keep looking.

The Good and The Bad

Well it’s been a while since I last blogged. Things have been good and bad.  I went out and had fun for the first time in almost a year.  I actually went to a bar and played pool with some of my co’workers.  It was nice and overwhelming all at the same time.  I hope maybe my co workers will accept me more.  I just need to remember not to be open about my past, as much as I yearn to tell my story to someone but most people would just look at me as a crazy freak.  I also went to the book store on my own, it was nice, something I enjoy that I miss doing.

Its been hard as usual living with my Brother.  I swear he has an outburst at least 2 to 3 times a week.  I keep trying to tell myself that its just the way he is and that he’s not abusive and that I’m just too sensitive.  Then I was thinking about all the things that go through my head whenever I’m home and realized that its no wonder I’m a nervous wreck.  For example, these are all the things I think about and do to try and not make my Brother angry:

Make sure to do the dishes even if his daughter doesn’t do them

Make sure dishes are put in dish rack properly before drying and putting away.

Make sure to leave the dish wash cloth neatly on the dish rack when done

Always make sure recycling is taken out every day

Pick up any trash that his daughter leaves on the floor

Do not go in the kitchen while Brother is in there

Always take shoes off in my room

Always make sure the shower curtain is straight

Always make sure blanket is folded on chair

Don’t ever get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom

Always make sure the cat stays quiet at night

Don’t throw away sanitary napkins in the bathroom trash, put them in the outside trash

Don’t ever park my car forward in the parking spot, make sure you back up into the parking spot

Don’t use paper towels to prepare food on

Don’t get up for work until he has left for work

Always make sure phone ringer is put on low

Don’t chew on anything crunchy, like chips next to my Brother while watching TV

Always make sure the cat litter is scooped at least once a day and disposed of out side

Always make sure the door is unlocked before Brother gets home from any where

Don’t fold my brothers laundry because I don’t do it correctly

 

I know there is more but, its just too overwhelming to write it all down.

I really need to get my own place, I don’t know how much longer my brain can handle this….

I Can Do Better

Well I have a lot on my mind lately.  I am confused about my life and who I am.  My life is such a blur after having all my shock treatments.  I am lonely and bewildered by all the mistakes I have made.  I am trying to change my life around but it is hard.  Starting over isn’t as easy as it sounds.  I feel so lonely and isolated.  I have no one to relate to, which makes things feel very hopeless.  I tried to reach out for help by going to counseling but my insurance doesn’t cover it.  I was proud that I got myself a new job but now I feel like I can do better.  I worked for the government for 13 years and worked very hard to get as high up as I did and to start a new job making minimum wage is starting to get to me.  I want to be able to survive on my own and have my son back.  I did start putting in for Government jobs again but no luck yet.  I don’t even know if they will take me back knowing that I have a mental illness.  I just can’t picture myself working at a car dealership for the rest of my life.

I have lost most of my friends from everything I have done.  I always thought I was a good person but I’m not.  I want to be a good person and make things right but all the people I lost wont talk to me anymore.  My ex husband can’t stand me, I think he wishes I was dead.  I don’t even try to talk to him anymore except about our son and even that’s like pulling teeth.  It’s sad because we have known each other since we were kids.  I just wish I lived my life differently, I lost so much and ill never get it back.  I put partial blame on doctors for destroying my life but I accept responsibility for my actions.

Its Not Me

 

 

Once the light has turned my face
Into the look of a dying race
Explain what I’m supposed to be
But it’s not me

Watching me from behind the glass
Through contemplating eyes from the past
Cold, beneath my dignity
But it’s not me

Rejecting that I am the one
Knowing that myself has gone
To the other side of the mirror
And getting bigger
What is left to my side
Perhaps my aim perhaps my pride
Smiling through the other side of the mirror
Still getting bigger

Read more: Neuroticfish – It’s Not Me Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Guilt

I’m mentally not well right now.  I have been under a lot of stress and I’ve been in pain and when I have constant pain, I don’t do well mentally.  I’m also starting to remember things that I forgot after shock treatments.  I’m not sure why but I am.  I’ve done a lot of things that I am not proud of and I am having overwhelming feelings of guilt.

I want to go to therapy but I can’t because even though I finally have health insurance, my insurance wont cover therapy until I pay my $2000 deductible.  It’s just not fair.  I’m really lonely and I have no one to talk to in person.  I miss my son and I hate being away from him.

I tried a dating site a couple weeks ago and I chickened out.  I just don’t know if I want to get involved with someone when I’m still trying to get my shit together.  As lonely as I am, I think it will just complicate things.

Its sad, I have so much I want to write but I can’t…..

Trying to Make Friends

Well things are a little better but unfortunately I wont be able to move out of my brothers as soon as I had hoped because I need to pay off my IRS debt.  I made an appointment with a therapist on Monday.  I am so looking forward to talking to someone.  I feel so alone, it’s sad.

My co-workers invited me out tonight but I chickened out.  I’m scared that I may open up too much because I haven’t had anyone to really talk to in a long time.  I don’t want to give myself away that I’m mentally ill.  I think I may invite them out another time after I have started therapy.

 

Cleaning Up The Past

Well its the new year and its not going well so far.  The past is coming back to haunt me and forcing me to face my mistakes.  The IRS has frozen my bank account and I’m assuming they plan to garnish my wages.  I owe them money for taking loans out of my retirement to survive while I wasn’t working due to my mental illness.  I know I should have tried to take care of it but I was too drugged up and doing shock treatments.  I was just trying to survive each day.

I now have to go into work tomorrow and let my boss know, if he doesn’t know already.  It’s going to be so embarrassing.  I also still need to call the IRS to see if they will just take part of my pay checks instead of everything till the debt is paid.  It’s just hard to call because the wait time is 45 min to hour to talk to someone and they are only open during the times I work.

I just hope I can work this out some how to where I at least get enough money each month for food.  I also don’t want to explain to them that the reason I haven’t taken care of this is because I was in and out a mental hospital for almost a year getting shock treatments.

I just want to scream. When will I get a break from fucking up my life?  I’m trying so hard to get my life back together.

Dead to Me

So today I want to write about my friend Kasey.  I have known her since she was one years old.  We were best friends growing up.  She was like a sister to me.  I used to always consider her the twin sister I never had because my twin died in the womb.  We did everything together.  She was smart and loved writing but all that changed.  She worked normal jobs out of high school and then discovered stripping.  Soon after stripping she discovered drugs and all kinds of men.  It started with xanax and then later she moved on to meth.

She ended up getting pregnant and I took her in for a while but eventually she ended up abandoning her daughter with her Mother.  She then went back to stripping and got pregnant again and was living on the streets and I took her in again and helped her through her pregnancy.  Once she had her son, my husband couldn’t take it anymore and we made her move in with the Father of her child.  That didn’t last long and she ended up stripping again and then escorting.  Then she basically ended up couch hopping with her son where ever they could stay.  She started doing drugs again but not meth this time.  She started snorting and smoking Aderal and whatever pharmaceuticals she could get her hands on.

A couple years went by and I didn’t really hear from her and when I did she wanted money.  Then 6 months ago before I came here to Washington, I took her in again.  She had been living in her car with her 5 year old son, 3 dogs and her cat.  I thought maybe if I helped her again that she would get back track and I was in a lonely spot and I think a part of me missed the old Kasey that I grew up with.

Well that was one of the worst mistakes I ever made.  She just ended up using me till I had no more strength left to give.  I unfortunately don’t remember too much of all that happened because I was getting shock treatments at the time and I was heavily medicated.  All I know is that she really fucked me and made my life a whole lot worse.  What’s the saddest part about all of this is that she makes her son live this life of instability.  Her son is also Autistic and needs structure.

Well since I have been living in Washington, she has been doing her usual thing, couch hopping or living in her car.  Recently I found out that she had been staying at my friend Becky’s place.  Becky is another friend that we both grew up with.  I guess she has been at Becky’s for about 3 months now and has created nothing but chaos.  Becky and her husband have 3 children.  Kasey being her selfish self decided to start sleeping with Becky’s husband and has been giving him drugs and all the while Becky is watching her son with other 3 children while her husband and Kasey go out and party.  This I thought was even low for Kasey because she usually wouldn’t betray a close friend in that way.  I also heard from Becky that she has started cutting herself which is not like her.

Becky hasn’t kicked her out yet despite the pain the betrayal she is going through because she loves Kasey and doesn’t want her and her son to live on the streets.  My heart aches for Becky because I know the pain Kasey causes and I blame the drugs.  As far as I’m concerned Kasey is dead.  Drugs have basically consumed her soul and she is just an empty shell that feeds like a parasite to get what she wants.

So I’m done. Kasey is dead.