Ramblings of a Mental Patient

Whispers of the past still linger

Echos of pain and regret

Loneliness is all that remains

A tainted mind that never stops

Days go by with uncertainty

Nightmares have taken over my only solitude

The loss of all that was haunts my every breath

The anticipation of hope of a new life is still beneath the surface

So I just wait

For a glimpse of stability in this tragic existence

 

Drown

Your words disguise what you’re feeling now
But I’ve seen that look in your eyes before
Though you don’t want to admit it to me
I feel the disappointment I have caused you

If I drown
Please know it’s not your fault
There was no way you could save me from myself
If I drown
Please know it wasn’t you
I was the one who walked away from your help

I know it’s been years of empty promises
I wanted to follow through I wanted to be more
Though you don’t want to admit it to me
You can’t look at me in the same light anymore

 

By: Imperative Reaction

Read more: Imperative Reaction – Drown Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

It’s Been a While

Well its been a while since I have written anything.  Its been 2 months since I have been off all my medications.  I feel better in some aspects but my depression is still there.  I try not to think about everything I’ve lost but it always comes back.  I really fucked myself but I know the main reason is because of my mental illness.  I miss my son more than anything and it’s hard to talk to him on the phone.  I feel so guilty for having to leave.  I am going to see him soon and he’s coming back with me to Washington for a little bit before he starts school.

I know I need to talk to someone but it’s so expensive.  I’m overwhelmed and fearful.  I owe so many people money and I can’t pay anyone back till I get a job.  I’ll be applying for jobs at the end of the month.  I hope I can mentally handle a job again, but really I don’t have a choice.

My memories are coming back.  I think the shock treatments didn’t do as much damage as I thought.  I keep getting head aches though.  Its hard to believe that I went from being in a mental hospital almost every day for 8 months and being on so many medications to no treatment at all.  It’s crazy to think that I had to give up my career of 14 years due to this illness.

Story to Tell

Well I certainly have a story to tell.  I had a career, an apartment, a nice car…and now its all gone.  All due to depression.  I have had my brain electrocuted about 70 times. I have tried almost every medication. Here I am homeless with my beloved cat.  

So it will be a new chapter in my life soon. I’m moving to Washington in a couple days. Mainly because I have no where I can go.  I don’t want to leave my son but what good am I if I’m homeless.

So here is to starting a new life.

Broken

I am so broken.  I still can’t work.  Major Depression has basically ruined my life.  I still can’t get any support from the government or the state to help me survive.  I’m still waiting on my disability  claim.  I’m going to be homeless soon.  I gave full custody of my son to my ex husband so that he has a stable life.  I’m going to lose my cats , I need to find homes for them.  

I’m still waiting for my bankruptcy to go through. I can’t sell any of my stuff till that goes through.  

So yeah…..my life is fucked 

My family doesn’t support me because I’m doing ECT electro shock therapy to treat my depression.

The only support I have is my boy friend and his family.

And I’m crying as I write this….because I could really use some prayers.  Im not a religious person but I’m at my breaking point in my life and I almost just want to give up.

Karma is a bitch

Fuck I am so stressed out.  So much paper work , I’m being pulled in so many directions.  With a bankruptcy and a disability claim.  I am making no money at all.  I have little left to survive on for the next couple months.  Plus on top of all of this I have my Electro Shock treatments twice a week.  My brother wants me to move to Washington because its cheaper.  I am tempted but I just don’t know if I could leave my son for that long.  I know his dad and I could work something out but it would be very hard.  I just don’t know.  but I can’t survive here , there is no way .  My brain hurts from thinking so much , I guess this is what I get for all the horrible things I’ve done

Can’t Sleep

I can’t sleep.  How the hell am I supposed to sleep when my life is falling apart?  I’m losing my job.  I’m losing my home, I wont be able to see my son as often, I’m losing my cats.  I mean Fuck how much do I have to go through?  Do I really deserve this?  I have helped a lot people over the years, so I don’t understand why I am going through this.  This isn’t fair.  I am a human being who is suffering with a disease.  It shouldn’t be this hard to get benefits if you are suffering from an illness and you can’t work anymore.  I just want to live my life.

Falling Apart

Well my life is falling apart.  I filed for bankruptcy and I’m going to lose all my stuff because I can’t afford to live here for much longer.  I’m still waiting for my disability to come through but even when it does I’m not going to making enough to survive.  My work is doing nothing to help me.  I’m basically going to become homeless because of my illness and lose everything because I’m not making an income.  I worked for the government for 12 years and they are doing nothing to help me.  It’s killing me that I can’t see my son as much right now but I’m not stable so he’s in a better place .  I want his life to be as stable as possible.  It still hurts though.  I have ECT tomorrow.  Then it’s another 2 days of not being able to drive again.  My boyfriend got his own place.  It’s really nice.  Now it’s just me alone to figure out this mess I created.  I spent today with one of my old friends which was nice.

I keep telling myself that it’s just stuff.  That most of my things can be let go, given away or sold.  I think the hardest thing will be going through my sons room and getting rid of stuff.  His dad said I could send some stuff over there, which is good.

I used to always be the stable one.  Now I’m going to be homeless, I have failed as a mother.  Depression has ruined my life