It’s Not Right

So I worked things out with the IRS.  They gave me my money back and I only have to pay 200 a month to pay off my $1000 debt.  I do feel better that I got that resolved.  I was so scared that they were going to garnish my whole pay checks.  It’s nice to know I will get this taken care of and still survive in the process.

On a different subject…..I’m in a difficult situation with my good friend Becky.  Recently my drug addict friend Kasey that I grew up with slept with Becky’s husband and almost destroyed their marriage.  Now Kasey is homeless again, using drugs, and cutting herself.  Today Kasey’s Mother asked me about her and I told her that I don’t want to get involved.  I guess Kasey’s mom asked Becky about her too and Becky lied to her and told her that she’s doing fine and looking to get studio apartment, which is bullshit.

Kasey is living in her car with 3 dogs, a cat and a 5 year old child.  I don’t agree with this.   I think her son would be better off in foster care than living this way but Becky doesn’t agree.  She believes that a child should always stay with their mother.

Well in a way this made me feel like shit, because I don’t have my son right now.  I left my son with his father because I needed to get better and I didn’t want him to see me suffer with mental illness.  I grew up with a mentally ill mother and it was fucked up.  I just didn’t want to put my son through that.

So I think I may stop talking to Becky too, which saddens me but I need to let go of the past and move on.

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Cleaning Up The Past

Well its the new year and its not going well so far.  The past is coming back to haunt me and forcing me to face my mistakes.  The IRS has frozen my bank account and I’m assuming they plan to garnish my wages.  I owe them money for taking loans out of my retirement to survive while I wasn’t working due to my mental illness.  I know I should have tried to take care of it but I was too drugged up and doing shock treatments.  I was just trying to survive each day.

I now have to go into work tomorrow and let my boss know, if he doesn’t know already.  It’s going to be so embarrassing.  I also still need to call the IRS to see if they will just take part of my pay checks instead of everything till the debt is paid.  It’s just hard to call because the wait time is 45 min to hour to talk to someone and they are only open during the times I work.

I just hope I can work this out some how to where I at least get enough money each month for food.  I also don’t want to explain to them that the reason I haven’t taken care of this is because I was in and out a mental hospital for almost a year getting shock treatments.

I just want to scream. When will I get a break from fucking up my life?  I’m trying so hard to get my life back together.

Giving into Change

My friend, I’ve let you down
I’m writing to the sound
Of the pain you once possessed
So long ago
When time was everything
The echoes still resound
From a place where everything
Seemed possible

I’ve wasted so much time
On waiting for you to see how much
You threw away
When time meant everything
Your promise fell apart
And I stood here without a way
To recover

My friend, you let me down
I’m writing to the sound
Of the pain I once possessed
So long ago
When trust was everything
The promise still resounds
From a place where everything
Seemed possible

By: Imperative Reaction “Giving into Change”

Torture

You know you’re sinking
And the harder you try to move
The pull gets stronger
Until there’s nothing left to lose
So you reach out and beg to be saved
So you can start all over one more time
But you just put it off
You dim another’s light

It’s torture trying to breathe
With this film wrapped over me
I see right through it, but I know it’s there
It’s torture having to watch
As you’re pushed away from me
I know what I am is too much to bear

You know you’re fading
And the harder you try to scream
Your throat gets tighter
Until there’s no way left to speak
So you reach out and beg to be saved
So you can start all over one more time
But you just put it off
You dim another’s light

It’s torture trying to breathe
With this film wrapped over me
I see right through it, but I know it’s there
It’s torture having to watch
As you’re pushed away from me
I know what I am is too much to bear

You know you’re sinking
And the harder you try to move
The pull gets stronger
Until there’s nothing left to lose
So you reach out and beg to be saved
So you can start all over one more time
But you just put it off
You dim another’s light

It’s torture trying to breathe
With this film wrapped over me
I see right through it, but I know it’s there
It’s torture having to watch
As you’re pushed away from me
I know what I am is too much to bear

 

“Torture” By Imperative Reaction

Palpitations

Well things have been okay for the last couple weeks.  My Brother hasn’t had any major temper tantrums but I’m still always on edge. I started having heart palpitations again.  I haven’t had them since my son was born.  In fact heart palpitations are the reason I got started on the whole medication roller coaster.  The doctor diagnosed me with postpartum depression and anxiety and then prescribed me Xanax…. and that’s where it started and how everything went to shit.  One bottle of Xanax to 16 medications and shock treatments to my brain.

I think the heart palpitations may be caused from sleep deprivation and stress.  It makes sense because when I was a new mother, I wasn’t getting much sleep.  Now I just have a needy elderly cat that doesn’t let me sleep much and an angry Brother that always keeps me on edge.

I’m hoping the heart palpitations go away, I refuse to go on medication.

I’ve been feeling really lonely again.  I miss going and having coffee with someone and having a good conversation.  I got invited to my work Christmas party but I have no one to go with and I still don’t feel close enough to my co workers to go alone, so I’m not going.

I miss having friends

I think I also feel down that I wont be with my son for Christmas.  This will be my first Christmas without him and I feel really guilty about it but I can’t miss work yet.  I just haven’t been there long enough.

 

Failed at Life

Well the last few days has been hard but I think I’m getting through it.  I know its always hard living with someone and getting used to their tendencies.  Its hard because this is first time I have had to live with someone because I had no where to go.  In the past I was always the one to take people in to try and give them a new start at life.  I am grateful to my Brother and what he is trying to do for me but at the same time I think me being here is doing more harm than good.

My Brother is very angry person most of the time.  The last couple weeks has been really rough on him mentally because he has been sick and not sleeping.  He finally went to the doctor and they told him that he has pneumonia.  He of course is still working through it, which I don’t think is smart but that’s just who he is.

Well I guess I got on his last nerve because of how I do things.  He flipped out on me because I was using one of our bowls to feed my cat wet food.  I guess he can’t eat off something that has been contaminated by cat saliva even after it has been washed.  Then he told me I fold the towels wrong when I do laundry and that I don’t put the dishes in the dish rack properly.  He was also angry because I haven’t done the dishes every day after I started working.  Before I started working I did the dishes every day along with most of the other chores.  I admit that I haven’t been as tentative about the chores the last couple weeks because I am worn out after I get home from work.  My body is just not used to the physical labor involved in my job.  I haven’t worked in almost 2 years and its just hard.  Its funny that he doesn’t see that I am contributing to the house hold.  All he see’s is what things I have done wrong in his mind.

So my Brother blew up on me twice in less than 24 hours.  My brain exploded.  I think because I am tired and in pain from working and I am not getting much sleep at night because of my arm going numb and burning every night. I think with everything combined caused me to have a mental break down.  I couldn’t stop crying and I wanted to cut myself because I felt like I couldn’t do anything right.  I think it’s more deep rooted than just petty house hold chores.  I feel like I have failed in every way.  I failed my son, I failed my career, I failed my marriage, I failed everything and I am trying so hard to make things right again.  I think it’s time I talk to someone.

 

New Job

So I started my new job.  Its hard work and I’m making half of what I used to make at my last job but what matters is that I’m making something.  I’m catching on okay but I am still having a little trouble with my short term memory.  I’m assuming its just the effects of the shock treatments still. I get along with everyone okay so far which is good but I can tell that people are curious as to why I am working at a car dealership when I had a successful career working for the Government.  I just hope no one asks me too much about my past.  

I thought a lot about my past today.  It made me wish that I had someone to talk to about it.  I think I just need someone to talk to in general.  I hope to start seeing a therapist as soon as I get paid.  I think that will help me.

I’m so lonely 

Some What Damaged

So impressed with all you do
Tried so hard to be like you
Flew too high and burnt the wing
Lost my faith in everything

Lick around divine debris
Taste the wealth of hate in me
Shedding skin, succumb defeat
This machine is obsolete

Made the choice to go away
Drink the fountain of decay
Tear a hole exquisite red
Fuck the rest and stab it dead

Broken, bruised, forgotten sore
Too fucked up to care anymore
Poisoned to my rotten core
Too fucked up to care anymore

Broken, bruised, forgotten sore
Too fucked up to care anymore
Poisoned to my rotten core
Too fucked up to care anymore

In the back off the side far away
Is a place where I hide, where I stay
Tried to say, tried to ask I needed to
All alone by myself, where were you?

How could I ever think it’s funny how?
Everything that swore it wouldn’t change, is different now
Just like you would always say, “We’ll make it through”
Then my head fell apart and where were you?

How could I ever think it’s funny how?
Everything you swore would never change, is different now
Like you said, “You and me make it through”
Didn’t quite fell apart, where the fuck were you?

Try to Forget

You…
You return in the night
Don’t have a person to hold you
And you think about the past time
When you were, when you were still loved

You go to bed alone
Don’t have a person to warm you
And you think about your last love
Then you try to forget

Try to forget
Try to forget
But you can’t forget

You
You will show your tears and hide
And you hope that someone knows
That you are alone and takes you
And takes you in his arms

Your secrets are your thoughts
Write them down and start to cry,
Write them down and start to scream
Because you know you are alone

A Letter To My Son

To my beloved son,

I know there are no words I can say that will change all I have done.  I just want to say how sorry I am that I wasn’t there for you when I should have been.  I let my pain and illness take over me to a point that I couldn’t be a mother to you.  I regret having to move far away to try and get better.  I hope one day that you can forgive me.  Just know that I never stopped loving you.  Now that I am recovering I am going to do everything in my power to be a good Mother to you.  I hope you and your Father move up here soon so we can be together once again, as it should be.

Love always,

Mommy