Can’t Sleep

sleeping-fairy

So I can’t sleep. It’s hot and I have too much on my mind. When I get like this I like sleeping alone. I came out into the living room and I have been trying to sleep on the couch.  I need space when my mind is spinning out of control.

I have therapy today which is good.  I can get a lot of these thought’s off my chest. I think today will be an okay day.

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To Whom it May Concern

ect

To whom it may concern,

You now know that I have had ECT treatments, formally known as electric shock treatments.  I am still the same person that I was before I had these treatments.  I am just not as depressed as before.  I was never suicidal, I was never psychotic, I was never delusional, I was just really depressed from being in chronic pain all the time from my disease.  So judge me if you will, but know that it’s not right nor fair to me.  I went through a lot to try and get better.  The last thing I need is to be looked down upon for getting help.

lunafay

My Autoimmune Disease Update

I wanted to talk about my autoimmune disease Ankylosing Spondylitis because I know I haven’t mentioned it in a while because I have been battling  my depression so bad and doing ECT treatments.  In truth my autoimmune disease is the root of my depression.  Right before I ended up in the psychiatric hospital I had a horrible flare up in my spine that lasted almost 3 weeks and it just took a toll on my mental health.  Being in chronic pain for that long does something to your mind.  I never want to go through that again.  I am still currently on Humira, prednisone, and naproxen for pain.  I don’t do any narcotics anymore because I got addicted to them.  When the pain gets real bad ill go in for injections.  I have to say I haven’t had any flare ups since that last really bad one two months ago.  I still deal with stiffness but that’s about it.  So that’s my update on my autoimmune disease.

My Bedtime Cocktail

pills

It’s close to bed time and I know I have shown this picture before.  These are my nightly med’s.  Sometimes I wonder how my brain even functions.  Especially now that I am going through ECT as well.  When you look at the long list of side effects of each medication, you wonder….what the hell am I putting in my body?  At the same time I don’t want to end up insane like my Mother.  This isn’t including all my med’s and my injection for my autoimmune disease.  Theses are all for my depression.  It’s amazing I even have any emotion at all anymore.

Parenting While Being Ill

Being a single parent struggling with mental illness and Ankylosing Spondylitis has been a challenge.  I try really hard to hide my mental and physical illness from my 6 year old son.  I know I need to sit down and be honest with him about it but I just don’t know how to go about doing it.  He knows mommy goes to the doctor a lot and knows mommy can’t do things sometimes because I’ll be in too much pain.  Sometimes I feel like I’m barely making it.  I’m barely getting him ready for school, I’m barely getting him ready for bed.  Everything is so hard.  His room is like a bomb went off and I’m too exhausted to clean it.  He always wants to hang on me and it hurts, I need to tell him to go play on his own.  I try to get him out of the house as much as possible because I want to keep him distracted so he doesn’t noticed how sick I am but it exhausts me.

My Mother traumatized me with her mental illness as a child because she never got help, I refuse to do that to my child.  Hence why I have gone to the extreme of under going ECT.

Finding Motivation

Well I’m ready to pull myself together today.  I have let this apartment get out of control.  I’m drinking a rockstar and I’m going to get some energy and I’m going to do this.  No more stressing out over crap that I probably don’t even need to stress about.  Then I’m going to go to my Mom’s and so I can practice more driving.  I got a little bit in this morning when I dropped off my son at school.  I have to admit it felt good behind the wheel again.  I have ECT again on Friday so I wont be able to drive again.  I can’t believe Friday will be number 17 in ECT treatments, that’s a lot.  I really hope I’m not getting brain damage .

Starting to Relapse

When I think about the last 3 months and all that I have been through, I am amazed.  First it started with my spinal flare up, which I was in so much pain for weeks.  It just took such a toll on me that it put me in a psychiatric hospital.  Then I spent time in the hospital and started ECT treatments.  Then I had to go to group therapies. I dealt with a lot of questions while I was in the hospital. Every day they would question me about my mood and bathroom and eating habits etc.  I was there for 6 days.  I made some friends while I was there though and I’m still in contact with 2 of them.  Now I am still dealing with the ECT treatments and the side effects and life still isn’t back to normal.  How long am I going to do ECT for?  I have had 16 treatments and usually people only have 12.  I have 2 more still scheduled.  I know I need them though because this is the longest stretch that I have gone without one and I am starting to relapse but I think its also because I’m really stressed out with all this work crap.  I just want to feel better.

Stressing

Well maybe I am being delusional about the work thing and just stressing myself out and I’m being overly sensitive about everything.  I’ve been shaky for two days too.  I think I need to talk to my ECT doctor.  My next treatment is on Friday.  I hate this, I just want to feel normal.

Things between my ex husband and I are back to normal.  We are talking again but very minimal.  Keeping it to short answers about our son only if at all possible.  I even answered the door this time when he dropped my son off.  I’m still really hurt but I want things to be as civil as possible for my son.

Need Space

Well therapy went okay.  My therapist is from France and I could barely understand her, so it made it a little difficult.  I’m a little irritable this evening.  I’m not really sure why.  My son was hanging all over me and hitting and it was driving me up the wall.  I just need some space.  At least it’s almost bed time.  My therapist found me interesting because I’m getting ECT.  I guess she thought they didn’t do that anymore.  So I think I like my other therapist much better.  My other therapist goes more in depth into my life and combines spiritualism.

ECT and Memory Loss

So I know ECT ” electric shock”  is affecting my memory because I forgot to take all my medications before bed tonight.  I take 8 medications for my depression.  Luckily I was having insomnia realized that I had forgotten.  I also forgot where I put my doctors note for work, so I had to deal with doctors today and getting a new one e-mailed to me.  So when people say memory loss is a side effect of ECT, they aren’t lying.  I forgot a couple things my Mother told me on the phone today as well and I had to call her back ask.  I’m scared to go back to real life pretty soon.  I start work again October 3rd.  I get to practice driving this weekend.  I haven’t driven a car in a month.  I’m really nervous