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So Here I Stand

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Here I am in this new place, scared and full of hope that my life will change for the better.  I have stopped most of my medications and now I’m down to 4.  To think I was on 14 medications at age 34 is scary to think about.  I thought all these doctors were helping me and now I think it was all about money.  I am feeling better with some withdrawal symptoms.  I drew my first picture yesterday in almost a year.  To think before I got so wrapped up in the medical system, I was drawing once a day.  I was afraid my artistic talent would be gone from all the shock treatments in the last year.  So much of my memory is gone and a blur.

I have been talking to my son every day on the phone.  It’s hard being so far away from him.  I feel like a horrible mother for leaving but I didn’t have a choice. I wasn’t being a good mother when I was there. How do you explain depression to a child? I was at a point that I couldn’t hide it anymore and I lost everything on top of it all. He’s going to spend the summer with me and I look forward to that.

I finished my resume and I have been looking for jobs.  I’m well qualified, it’s just depended on my mental illness.  Will I be able to handle working again?  but if I’m going survive and change my life for the better,  I don’t have a choice.