Hiding Mental Illness at Work

Since the unfortunate events that took place with my Brother in the last couple days, I still had to go to work.  I was mentally a mess but I went to work any way because I refuse to let my mental illness get in the way of my job again.  I looked like hell because I had been crying so much.  My eyes were so puffy and my face was so pale that not even make up could fix it.  My boss suspected something was wrong and I told him that I had a migraine and that I would do my best.  In truth I did have a horrible head ache, almost like a hang over.  It amazes me how the brain can make you physically sick when you are just mentally sick.

So I got through work and even did a good job at it.  I even thought about sitting in my car some where after work for a while because I didn’t want to go home in fear that my Brother would yell at me again but then I realized I would probably get yelled at for not being home in time for dinner.  So I went home and luckily my Brother went to urgent care about his illness and found out he had pneumonia and is now taking antibiotics and is doing a little better.

I felt pretty proud of myself that I got through work despite my condition.  I try and hide my mental illness the best I can at work but I know I’m different than most people there.  Everyone is very social and they want to talk to me and I try to converse with people but in the back of my head I’m thinking I just want to escape and get back to focusing on my job.  I’m scared that someone is going to read right through me and know something is wrong.  I know co workers are curious about why I left such a good career working for the government for 14 years where I made more money an hour than most of their top supervisors.  Now I’m making a little over minimum wage.  I just try to avoid people as much as possible to avoid questions.

If I told the truth and people at work found out that I was in a mental hospital and received shock treatments for 8 months, they would probably think I’m crazy and shouldn’t be there.  So I’m going to try my best not to get close to anyone at work, as much as I want to make new friends because I am so lonely.  Having a mental illness is very hard and trying to be a part of society again is even harder.

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Failed at Life

Well the last few days has been hard but I think I’m getting through it.  I know its always hard living with someone and getting used to their tendencies.  Its hard because this is first time I have had to live with someone because I had no where to go.  In the past I was always the one to take people in to try and give them a new start at life.  I am grateful to my Brother and what he is trying to do for me but at the same time I think me being here is doing more harm than good.

My Brother is very angry person most of the time.  The last couple weeks has been really rough on him mentally because he has been sick and not sleeping.  He finally went to the doctor and they told him that he has pneumonia.  He of course is still working through it, which I don’t think is smart but that’s just who he is.

Well I guess I got on his last nerve because of how I do things.  He flipped out on me because I was using one of our bowls to feed my cat wet food.  I guess he can’t eat off something that has been contaminated by cat saliva even after it has been washed.  Then he told me I fold the towels wrong when I do laundry and that I don’t put the dishes in the dish rack properly.  He was also angry because I haven’t done the dishes every day after I started working.  Before I started working I did the dishes every day along with most of the other chores.  I admit that I haven’t been as tentative about the chores the last couple weeks because I am worn out after I get home from work.  My body is just not used to the physical labor involved in my job.  I haven’t worked in almost 2 years and its just hard.  Its funny that he doesn’t see that I am contributing to the house hold.  All he see’s is what things I have done wrong in his mind.

So my Brother blew up on me twice in less than 24 hours.  My brain exploded.  I think because I am tired and in pain from working and I am not getting much sleep at night because of my arm going numb and burning every night. I think with everything combined caused me to have a mental break down.  I couldn’t stop crying and I wanted to cut myself because I felt like I couldn’t do anything right.  I think it’s more deep rooted than just petty house hold chores.  I feel like I have failed in every way.  I failed my son, I failed my career, I failed my marriage, I failed everything and I am trying so hard to make things right again.  I think it’s time I talk to someone.

 

Tough Spot

I’m tired, I hurt, and I think I’m slightly depressed today.  I finished my second week of my new job today.  Thought I would be paid today but I guess not.  I’m working my ass off for little pay.  I told myself to not let that get to me because I’m starting over and I need to start at the bottom.  

I keep thinking if I had gotten better in San Diego, I would still have my career and my son.  I guess it didn’t work out that way. 

I think I’m in a tough spot right now.  Im in pain from working and I’m not getting much sleep because my arm keeps going numb and burning all the way down to my wrist no matter what position I’m in.  I can’t go to the doctor yet because my insurance hasn’t started.  My Brother has been an ultimate negative ass.  I just want to hide in my room.

I’m hoping once I get paid everything will be better. Its sad but true.

New Job

So I started my new job.  Its hard work and I’m making half of what I used to make at my last job but what matters is that I’m making something.  I’m catching on okay but I am still having a little trouble with my short term memory.  I’m assuming its just the effects of the shock treatments still. I get along with everyone okay so far which is good but I can tell that people are curious as to why I am working at a car dealership when I had a successful career working for the Government.  I just hope no one asks me too much about my past.  

I thought a lot about my past today.  It made me wish that I had someone to talk to about it.  I think I just need someone to talk to in general.  I hope to start seeing a therapist as soon as I get paid.  I think that will help me.

I’m so lonely 

The Pain of Divorce

I was thinking about my ex- in laws today.  I haven’t thought about them in a long time.  They were practically my second parents growing up.  I haven’t talked to them in over a year now.  I think one of the most painful things going through the divorce was losing them.  I cared so much about what they thought of me.  I sometimes wonder if they ever think about me.  I’m pretty sure I’m a fuck up in their eyes.  There are some things that they told me that I wish I had listened to.

There is so much that happened during the divorce that is a blur.  Ever since I had shock treatments on my brain, the whole event is like a dream that I’m trying to remember but I can only get bits and pieces.   I know when I found out my ex husband had remarried barely a year after we divorced, just devastated me.  I think everything went down hill for me after that.  I also remember that my ex husband refused to be friends with me, even though we share a child really hurt me too.

I think with all the pain of the divorce and the fact that I hated my job didn’t help.  My ex husband and is family worked on the same naval base as I did at one time.  So I had to come to work every day and be reminded of them, it was just too much.

I of course turned to alcohol almost every day to ease my suffering but what I didn’t realize is that it was just making me worse.  So I then started going to the doctor a lot, hoping that they could fix my pain.  It just seemed like I was getting put on a new medication every couple months. Till eventually I was on 16 medications at the same time.  I could barely function and just started not going to work anymore.  I still can’t believe I was still driving at this point.  No one should be driving while on that many medications.  So doctors didn’t know what else to do with me except start giving me shock treatments to my brain 2 to 3 times a week for 8 months.  Honestly I liked it.  I liked being put under and losing my memory after.  It was nice not having to remember the past.  I think that’s why I kept doing it for as long as I did.  But it was short lived.

I just came to a point that I couldn’t function at all anymore and I just lost everything and ended up here in Washington with my Brother.  What I regret the most is that I couldn’t be a parent to my son.  It’s hurts so much that he is living in another state from me and I can barely see him.  I know he is being well taken care of by his father and step mother but it’s still hard.  That is my baby.

Now that I have been off all the medications for about 5 months now.  I feel so much better and clear headed.  I’m starting over and I have a new job that I’m starting soon and everything is going to be okay I hope.  I still have a lot I need to take of financially to get back on track, which it will take time but at least ill be doing something about it.

I’m not going to say divorce ruined my life but it didn’t help.

Alone

Well after my experience today wanting to hurt myself, I feel very alone.  I can’t go to my Brother and say “oh by the way, you stress me out so much that I want to hurt myself”. I can’t talk to his 16 year old daughter about it.  I don’t want to talk to my friends and family about it because I have made such good progress trying to start my life over. I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

I figure as soon as I get my first pay check from my new job, I’ll look for a therapist.  I’m not going on meds again. I just need to get my own place and not have to be constantly on edge when my Brother is around.

Taken Over By Anxiety

So I had a good and bad day today.  I finally got a call for the job I interviewed for.  They said I got the job.  I just need to pass their background check and drug test, which I’m not worried about.  I just hope they don’t run my credit.  I’m excited that I am finally getting back into society but at the same time I’m terrified.  It’s been over a year since I last worked.  So that was the good news today.

The bad news today is that I had issues with my depression and it happened really quickly.  So every day I take care of all the chores around the house.  I try to make sure everything is perfect before my brother gets home from work.  I feel it’s my place to take care of everything around the house because he is providing a roof over my head and I am not working yet.  Lately my Brother has been really stressed out about money and he’s been working a lot.  He’s been very angry when he gets home from work almost every day for the last two weeks.  Some days I feel like I can’t even say a word to him or else he will snap.  I told him I got a job and I hoped that this would lighten his mood but it did not.

He pointed out that I shouldn’t have thrown the paper towel away that was on top of the microwave where he sets his dentures when he takes them out.  He was kind of an ass about it.  So after his lecture, my feeling of excitement and hopefulness about my new job just disappeared in a matter of minutes and I had an urge to want to hurt myself.  I went out side and tried to fight the urge to cut myself.  I haven’t had that feeling in a long time.  After about 20 minutes it subsided.

I think maybe because my anxiety was elevated from hearing about my new job and then having my angry Brother come home and being in fear that I didn’t do everything up to his expectation just pushed me to that dark place.

I need to move out of this house.  I want to help my Brother financially but I don’t think its good for me mentally to stay here.  I know I will probably be here for another 6 months to a year.  I just can’t live like this.  Its like I’m walking on egg shells all the time. He hates life so much and he doesn’t realize all the good things around him.

Any way’s that was my day. A mental roller coaster.

To Be Loved

So I had a day to myself today.  I got all my house work done and I had some time to myself.  I went in my room and sat on my bed and I looked through my old pictures.  I know I shouldn’t reminisce about the past but I just can’t help it sometimes.  Since I have moved to Washington and gotten off all the meds I feel like a different person.  I looked back at my pictures and how things were before I became so consumed with addiction and mental illness.  I know things weren’t as happy as I looked in those pictures.  Slowly but surely addiction and mental illness were taking over my life till it completely did.

I think about how things went so wrong with my marriage.  I practically grew up with my husband from childhood and his parents were my parents.  So much I regret.  So many things I wish I had done differently.  Instead I just let doctors pack on more pills for my depression and the more I drank because I just wanted to feel nothing.  Now my ex husband can barely talk to me.  He despises me so much for wasting his life.  I still love him though and always will.  I know that he hates the fact that we share a child together and knows he can never truly get rid of me.  The sad part about it is my child sees it too.

I do wonder now that I’m in a new place and starting over if ill ever meet someone.  Will anyone be willing to accept me for who I am and all that I have been through. Can anyone love me after knowing I have been in a mental hospital and received 65 shock treatments to my brain?  I don’t want to spend the rest of my life not ever being touched or loved by someone.  I know my beauty has faded over the years but I’m not entirely ugly yet.  I hope I have a chance to be with someone who makes me happy.  I don’t want this to be the end.

Out of Control

Well I decided to make a list of all the medications I was on 5 months ago.  It was very hard remembering all the names.  When I was in San Diego I had 4 doctors.  I had a Psychiatrist, Rheumatologist, ECT doctor, and Primary care.  I was being treated for my mental illness and autoimmune disease ankylosing spondylitis.  I honestly believe that my autoimmune disease was psychosomatic.  The only thing they could find that was abnormal was my ESR levels.  Either way they treated me for this disease any way.

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with Major Depression, Agoraphobia, Generalized Anxiety, Panic Disorder and OCD.

These were the medications I was on.  Some of which I have come to find out aren’t even for the illnesses I was diagnosed with.

Olanzapine–Schizophrenia and bi polar disorder

Abilify– Depression, Schizophrenia, and mood disorders

Topamax– Epilepsy, migraines

Buspar– Anxiety

Cymbalta– Depression, anxiety

Xanax– Anxiety

Sonata– insomnia

Vyvanse– ADHD

Levothyroxine– Low thyroid, Depression

Humira– Inflamation, pain

Indomethasin– Joint Stiffness

Gabapentin– Nerve pain

Prednisone–Pain, Inflamtion

Naproxen– Pain

Vicodin– Pain

So I look at this list and I think to myself how the Fuck did I even function as long as I did? I mean eventually I couldn’t function anymore and I lost my career of 14 years and I couldn’t be a parent to my child and I lost everything.  It was just too much. On top of it all I was getting ECT shock treatments at the hospital 2 to 3 times a week for months.

I know I can’t completely blame the doctors.  I know it was my choice to take the medications they prescribed to me.  I thought that since a doctor was advising me to take these medications that I would get better.  Unfortunately it made me worse.

Now that I have been taking nothing for the last 5 months, I feel so much better and awakened.  I feel like I have been in a sedated reality for the last 7 years. I do still battle with my depression and pain but I can manage it. Just changing my whole environment and life style has been 100 times better than any drug I have been on.

Now I am not saying that people shouldn’t take medication.  Some medications maybe life changing for some people.  I just think in my case it got out of control.

 

 

 

 

Just a Thought

So I have been watching this series of documentaries on people with mental illnesses that get admitted into mental wards in Britain.  I found it to be really interesting, especially considering that I have been admitted to a mental hospital myself.  There was a case of this elderly woman in her 70’s that never battled with mental illness till she became elderly.  When she came into the hospital she was incoherent and paced back and forth and mumbled to herself about not knowing who she was.  She didn’t respond to medication at all and was in the hospital for 9 months in this state.  Then the doctors decided to try ECT on her which is shock treatment and all they did was two rounds of treatment and she mercilessly became her self again and regained her memory.  They discharged her a month later back into society.

Now the reason I brought this woman up is because it amazes me how complex the brain is.  I did 65 rounds of ECT and only had a little improvement and lots of memory loss and dizzy spells.  I am still struggling with mental illness but I am doing better than I was when I was on 12 to 14 medications a day.  I think the biggest help to my improvement was changing my environment.  Yes, I did lose everything by making this change and it is painful but far less painful than the life was living before.

Any ways, Just a thought