The Good and The Bad

Well it’s been a while since I last blogged. Things have been good and bad.  I went out and had fun for the first time in almost a year.  I actually went to a bar and played pool with some of my co’workers.  It was nice and overwhelming all at the same time.  I hope maybe my co workers will accept me more.  I just need to remember not to be open about my past, as much as I yearn to tell my story to someone but most people would just look at me as a crazy freak.  I also went to the book store on my own, it was nice, something I enjoy that I miss doing.

Its been hard as usual living with my Brother.  I swear he has an outburst at least 2 to 3 times a week.  I keep trying to tell myself that its just the way he is and that he’s not abusive and that I’m just too sensitive.  Then I was thinking about all the things that go through my head whenever I’m home and realized that its no wonder I’m a nervous wreck.  For example, these are all the things I think about and do to try and not make my Brother angry:

Make sure to do the dishes even if his daughter doesn’t do them

Make sure dishes are put in dish rack properly before drying and putting away.

Make sure to leave the dish wash cloth neatly on the dish rack when done

Always make sure recycling is taken out every day

Pick up any trash that his daughter leaves on the floor

Do not go in the kitchen while Brother is in there

Always take shoes off in my room

Always make sure the shower curtain is straight

Always make sure blanket is folded on chair

Don’t ever get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom

Always make sure the cat stays quiet at night

Don’t throw away sanitary napkins in the bathroom trash, put them in the outside trash

Don’t ever park my car forward in the parking spot, make sure you back up into the parking spot

Don’t use paper towels to prepare food on

Don’t get up for work until he has left for work

Always make sure phone ringer is put on low

Don’t chew on anything crunchy, like chips next to my Brother while watching TV

Always make sure the cat litter is scooped at least once a day and disposed of out side

Always make sure the door is unlocked before Brother gets home from any where

Don’t fold my brothers laundry because I don’t do it correctly

 

I know there is more but, its just too overwhelming to write it all down.

I really need to get my own place, I don’t know how much longer my brain can handle this….

Advertisements

Cleaning Up The Past

Well its the new year and its not going well so far.  The past is coming back to haunt me and forcing me to face my mistakes.  The IRS has frozen my bank account and I’m assuming they plan to garnish my wages.  I owe them money for taking loans out of my retirement to survive while I wasn’t working due to my mental illness.  I know I should have tried to take care of it but I was too drugged up and doing shock treatments.  I was just trying to survive each day.

I now have to go into work tomorrow and let my boss know, if he doesn’t know already.  It’s going to be so embarrassing.  I also still need to call the IRS to see if they will just take part of my pay checks instead of everything till the debt is paid.  It’s just hard to call because the wait time is 45 min to hour to talk to someone and they are only open during the times I work.

I just hope I can work this out some how to where I at least get enough money each month for food.  I also don’t want to explain to them that the reason I haven’t taken care of this is because I was in and out a mental hospital for almost a year getting shock treatments.

I just want to scream. When will I get a break from fucking up my life?  I’m trying so hard to get my life back together.

Torture

You know you’re sinking
And the harder you try to move
The pull gets stronger
Until there’s nothing left to lose
So you reach out and beg to be saved
So you can start all over one more time
But you just put it off
You dim another’s light

It’s torture trying to breathe
With this film wrapped over me
I see right through it, but I know it’s there
It’s torture having to watch
As you’re pushed away from me
I know what I am is too much to bear

You know you’re fading
And the harder you try to scream
Your throat gets tighter
Until there’s no way left to speak
So you reach out and beg to be saved
So you can start all over one more time
But you just put it off
You dim another’s light

It’s torture trying to breathe
With this film wrapped over me
I see right through it, but I know it’s there
It’s torture having to watch
As you’re pushed away from me
I know what I am is too much to bear

You know you’re sinking
And the harder you try to move
The pull gets stronger
Until there’s nothing left to lose
So you reach out and beg to be saved
So you can start all over one more time
But you just put it off
You dim another’s light

It’s torture trying to breathe
With this film wrapped over me
I see right through it, but I know it’s there
It’s torture having to watch
As you’re pushed away from me
I know what I am is too much to bear

 

“Torture” By Imperative Reaction

Hiding Mental Illness at Work

Since the unfortunate events that took place with my Brother in the last couple days, I still had to go to work.  I was mentally a mess but I went to work any way because I refuse to let my mental illness get in the way of my job again.  I looked like hell because I had been crying so much.  My eyes were so puffy and my face was so pale that not even make up could fix it.  My boss suspected something was wrong and I told him that I had a migraine and that I would do my best.  In truth I did have a horrible head ache, almost like a hang over.  It amazes me how the brain can make you physically sick when you are just mentally sick.

So I got through work and even did a good job at it.  I even thought about sitting in my car some where after work for a while because I didn’t want to go home in fear that my Brother would yell at me again but then I realized I would probably get yelled at for not being home in time for dinner.  So I went home and luckily my Brother went to urgent care about his illness and found out he had pneumonia and is now taking antibiotics and is doing a little better.

I felt pretty proud of myself that I got through work despite my condition.  I try and hide my mental illness the best I can at work but I know I’m different than most people there.  Everyone is very social and they want to talk to me and I try to converse with people but in the back of my head I’m thinking I just want to escape and get back to focusing on my job.  I’m scared that someone is going to read right through me and know something is wrong.  I know co workers are curious about why I left such a good career working for the government for 14 years where I made more money an hour than most of their top supervisors.  Now I’m making a little over minimum wage.  I just try to avoid people as much as possible to avoid questions.

If I told the truth and people at work found out that I was in a mental hospital and received shock treatments for 8 months, they would probably think I’m crazy and shouldn’t be there.  So I’m going to try my best not to get close to anyone at work, as much as I want to make new friends because I am so lonely.  Having a mental illness is very hard and trying to be a part of society again is even harder.

Failed at Life

Well the last few days has been hard but I think I’m getting through it.  I know its always hard living with someone and getting used to their tendencies.  Its hard because this is first time I have had to live with someone because I had no where to go.  In the past I was always the one to take people in to try and give them a new start at life.  I am grateful to my Brother and what he is trying to do for me but at the same time I think me being here is doing more harm than good.

My Brother is very angry person most of the time.  The last couple weeks has been really rough on him mentally because he has been sick and not sleeping.  He finally went to the doctor and they told him that he has pneumonia.  He of course is still working through it, which I don’t think is smart but that’s just who he is.

Well I guess I got on his last nerve because of how I do things.  He flipped out on me because I was using one of our bowls to feed my cat wet food.  I guess he can’t eat off something that has been contaminated by cat saliva even after it has been washed.  Then he told me I fold the towels wrong when I do laundry and that I don’t put the dishes in the dish rack properly.  He was also angry because I haven’t done the dishes every day after I started working.  Before I started working I did the dishes every day along with most of the other chores.  I admit that I haven’t been as tentative about the chores the last couple weeks because I am worn out after I get home from work.  My body is just not used to the physical labor involved in my job.  I haven’t worked in almost 2 years and its just hard.  Its funny that he doesn’t see that I am contributing to the house hold.  All he see’s is what things I have done wrong in his mind.

So my Brother blew up on me twice in less than 24 hours.  My brain exploded.  I think because I am tired and in pain from working and I am not getting much sleep at night because of my arm going numb and burning every night. I think with everything combined caused me to have a mental break down.  I couldn’t stop crying and I wanted to cut myself because I felt like I couldn’t do anything right.  I think it’s more deep rooted than just petty house hold chores.  I feel like I have failed in every way.  I failed my son, I failed my career, I failed my marriage, I failed everything and I am trying so hard to make things right again.  I think it’s time I talk to someone.

 

Tough Spot

I’m tired, I hurt, and I think I’m slightly depressed today.  I finished my second week of my new job today.  Thought I would be paid today but I guess not.  I’m working my ass off for little pay.  I told myself to not let that get to me because I’m starting over and I need to start at the bottom.  

I keep thinking if I had gotten better in San Diego, I would still have my career and my son.  I guess it didn’t work out that way. 

I think I’m in a tough spot right now.  Im in pain from working and I’m not getting much sleep because my arm keeps going numb and burning all the way down to my wrist no matter what position I’m in.  I can’t go to the doctor yet because my insurance hasn’t started.  My Brother has been an ultimate negative ass.  I just want to hide in my room.

I’m hoping once I get paid everything will be better. Its sad but true.

New Job

So I started my new job.  Its hard work and I’m making half of what I used to make at my last job but what matters is that I’m making something.  I’m catching on okay but I am still having a little trouble with my short term memory.  I’m assuming its just the effects of the shock treatments still. I get along with everyone okay so far which is good but I can tell that people are curious as to why I am working at a car dealership when I had a successful career working for the Government.  I just hope no one asks me too much about my past.  

I thought a lot about my past today.  It made me wish that I had someone to talk to about it.  I think I just need someone to talk to in general.  I hope to start seeing a therapist as soon as I get paid.  I think that will help me.

I’m so lonely 

The Pain of Divorce

I was thinking about my ex- in laws today.  I haven’t thought about them in a long time.  They were practically my second parents growing up.  I haven’t talked to them in over a year now.  I think one of the most painful things going through the divorce was losing them.  I cared so much about what they thought of me.  I sometimes wonder if they ever think about me.  I’m pretty sure I’m a fuck up in their eyes.  There are some things that they told me that I wish I had listened to.

There is so much that happened during the divorce that is a blur.  Ever since I had shock treatments on my brain, the whole event is like a dream that I’m trying to remember but I can only get bits and pieces.   I know when I found out my ex husband had remarried barely a year after we divorced, just devastated me.  I think everything went down hill for me after that.  I also remember that my ex husband refused to be friends with me, even though we share a child really hurt me too.

I think with all the pain of the divorce and the fact that I hated my job didn’t help.  My ex husband and is family worked on the same naval base as I did at one time.  So I had to come to work every day and be reminded of them, it was just too much.

I of course turned to alcohol almost every day to ease my suffering but what I didn’t realize is that it was just making me worse.  So I then started going to the doctor a lot, hoping that they could fix my pain.  It just seemed like I was getting put on a new medication every couple months. Till eventually I was on 16 medications at the same time.  I could barely function and just started not going to work anymore.  I still can’t believe I was still driving at this point.  No one should be driving while on that many medications.  So doctors didn’t know what else to do with me except start giving me shock treatments to my brain 2 to 3 times a week for 8 months.  Honestly I liked it.  I liked being put under and losing my memory after.  It was nice not having to remember the past.  I think that’s why I kept doing it for as long as I did.  But it was short lived.

I just came to a point that I couldn’t function at all anymore and I just lost everything and ended up here in Washington with my Brother.  What I regret the most is that I couldn’t be a parent to my son.  It’s hurts so much that he is living in another state from me and I can barely see him.  I know he is being well taken care of by his father and step mother but it’s still hard.  That is my baby.

Now that I have been off all the medications for about 5 months now.  I feel so much better and clear headed.  I’m starting over and I have a new job that I’m starting soon and everything is going to be okay I hope.  I still have a lot I need to take of financially to get back on track, which it will take time but at least ill be doing something about it.

I’m not going to say divorce ruined my life but it didn’t help.

Alone

Well after my experience today wanting to hurt myself, I feel very alone.  I can’t go to my Brother and say “oh by the way, you stress me out so much that I want to hurt myself”. I can’t talk to his 16 year old daughter about it.  I don’t want to talk to my friends and family about it because I have made such good progress trying to start my life over. I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

I figure as soon as I get my first pay check from my new job, I’ll look for a therapist.  I’m not going on meds again. I just need to get my own place and not have to be constantly on edge when my Brother is around.

Taken Over By Anxiety

So I had a good and bad day today.  I finally got a call for the job I interviewed for.  They said I got the job.  I just need to pass their background check and drug test, which I’m not worried about.  I just hope they don’t run my credit.  I’m excited that I am finally getting back into society but at the same time I’m terrified.  It’s been over a year since I last worked.  So that was the good news today.

The bad news today is that I had issues with my depression and it happened really quickly.  So every day I take care of all the chores around the house.  I try to make sure everything is perfect before my brother gets home from work.  I feel it’s my place to take care of everything around the house because he is providing a roof over my head and I am not working yet.  Lately my Brother has been really stressed out about money and he’s been working a lot.  He’s been very angry when he gets home from work almost every day for the last two weeks.  Some days I feel like I can’t even say a word to him or else he will snap.  I told him I got a job and I hoped that this would lighten his mood but it did not.

He pointed out that I shouldn’t have thrown the paper towel away that was on top of the microwave where he sets his dentures when he takes them out.  He was kind of an ass about it.  So after his lecture, my feeling of excitement and hopefulness about my new job just disappeared in a matter of minutes and I had an urge to want to hurt myself.  I went out side and tried to fight the urge to cut myself.  I haven’t had that feeling in a long time.  After about 20 minutes it subsided.

I think maybe because my anxiety was elevated from hearing about my new job and then having my angry Brother come home and being in fear that I didn’t do everything up to his expectation just pushed me to that dark place.

I need to move out of this house.  I want to help my Brother financially but I don’t think its good for me mentally to stay here.  I know I will probably be here for another 6 months to a year.  I just can’t live like this.  Its like I’m walking on egg shells all the time. He hates life so much and he doesn’t realize all the good things around him.

Any way’s that was my day. A mental roller coaster.