Since the unfortunate events that took place with my Brother in the last couple days, I still had to go to work. I was mentally a mess but I went to work any way because I refuse to let my mental illness get in the way of my job again. I looked like hell because I had been crying so much. My eyes were so puffy and my face was so pale that not even make up could fix it. My boss suspected something was wrong and I told him that I had a migraine and that I would do my best. In truth I did have a horrible head ache, almost like a hang over. It amazes me how the brain can make you physically sick when you are just mentally sick.
So I got through work and even did a good job at it. I even thought about sitting in my car some where after work for a while because I didn’t want to go home in fear that my Brother would yell at me again but then I realized I would probably get yelled at for not being home in time for dinner. So I went home and luckily my Brother went to urgent care about his illness and found out he had pneumonia and is now taking antibiotics and is doing a little better.
I felt pretty proud of myself that I got through work despite my condition. I try and hide my mental illness the best I can at work but I know I’m different than most people there. Everyone is very social and they want to talk to me and I try to converse with people but in the back of my head I’m thinking I just want to escape and get back to focusing on my job. I’m scared that someone is going to read right through me and know something is wrong. I know co workers are curious about why I left such a good career working for the government for 14 years where I made more money an hour than most of their top supervisors. Now I’m making a little over minimum wage. I just try to avoid people as much as possible to avoid questions.
If I told the truth and people at work found out that I was in a mental hospital and received shock treatments for 8 months, they would probably think I’m crazy and shouldn’t be there. So I’m going to try my best not to get close to anyone at work, as much as I want to make new friends because I am so lonely. Having a mental illness is very hard and trying to be a part of society again is even harder.