It’s Been a While

Well its been a while since I have written anything.  Its been 2 months since I have been off all my medications.  I feel better in some aspects but my depression is still there.  I try not to think about everything I’ve lost but it always comes back.  I really fucked myself but I know the main reason is because of my mental illness.  I miss my son more than anything and it’s hard to talk to him on the phone.  I feel so guilty for having to leave.  I am going to see him soon and he’s coming back with me to Washington for a little bit before he starts school.

I know I need to talk to someone but it’s so expensive.  I’m overwhelmed and fearful.  I owe so many people money and I can’t pay anyone back till I get a job.  I’ll be applying for jobs at the end of the month.  I hope I can mentally handle a job again, but really I don’t have a choice.

My memories are coming back.  I think the shock treatments didn’t do as much damage as I thought.  I keep getting head aches though.  Its hard to believe that I went from being in a mental hospital almost every day for 8 months and being on so many medications to no treatment at all.  It’s crazy to think that I had to give up my career of 14 years due to this illness.

Drug Free

Well I took all my medications and put them in a bag and my brother took a brick and crushed them all and buried the remnants in the ground.  It was satisfying to watch. I’m on one medication now and I stopped it today.  So as of today I’m medication free.  I’m so done with doctors over medicating me.  I’m ready to me again and I’m taking natural remedies for my depression when needed.  I can’t believe I was on 14 medications.  How the hell did I function?…..oh right I barely was functioning.

Things are going pretty well here in Washington.   I miss my son very much but ill be seeing him soon.  I’ll also see my cat soon.  I miss them both.  It will be nice spending the summer with my son.  I know I’m not being a full time mom like I should be but hopefully his Father will move up here and then I can be more there for my son.

My next goal is to lose all this weight.  I gained so much from all those medications.  I weigh as much as I did when I was 9 months pregnant.  It’s tough carrying all this weight around.  I’ll be fasting soon to help cleanse my system.

So Here I Stand

Here I am in this new place, scared and full of hope that my life will change for the better.  I have stopped most of my medications and now I’m down to 4.  To think I was on 14 medications at age 34 is scary to think about.  I thought all these doctors were helping me and now I think it was all about money.  I am feeling better with some withdrawal symptoms.  I drew my first picture yesterday in almost a year.  To think before I got so wrapped up in the medical system, I was drawing once a day.  I was afraid my artistic talent would be gone from all the shock treatments in the last year.  So much of my memory is gone and a blur.

I have been talking to my son every day on the phone.  It’s hard being so far away from him.  I feel like a horrible mother for leaving but I didn’t have a choice. I wasn’t being a good mother when I was there. How do you explain depression to a child? I was at a point that I couldn’t hide it anymore and I lost everything on top of it all. He’s going to spend the summer with me and I look forward to that.

I finished my resume and I have been looking for jobs.  I’m well qualified, it’s just depended on my mental illness.  Will I be able to handle working again?  but if I’m going survive and change my life for the better,  I don’t have a choice.

Story to Tell

Well I certainly have a story to tell.  I had a career, an apartment, a nice car…and now its all gone.  All due to depression.  I have had my brain electrocuted about 70 times. I have tried almost every medication. Here I am homeless with my beloved cat.  

So it will be a new chapter in my life soon. I’m moving to Washington in a couple days. Mainly because I have no where I can go.  I don’t want to leave my son but what good am I if I’m homeless.

So here is to starting a new life.

Losing Everything

It’s interesting how losing everything, you come to realize who really cares about you and what really matters.

I’m Tired

Well I made it out of my apartment.  I’m at my Moms now.  It was a disaster getting out of there but I did the best I could.  I cleaned and tried to make the place look okay.  Turned out my friend had more stuff than me. It was very hard to get her to do anything till the bitter end.  She still has my car.  I don’t know if she will give it back.  I may have to call the police.  I need to turn that car into my law firm asap but she said she wont give it back till Monday.  I just don’t know what to do.  I’m so tired of all this.

Life is Too Hard

I’m filing bankruptcy.  I’m getting evicted.  I’m losing everything.  I’m ill.  I’m probably going to lose my job soon.  I’m getting my brain electrocuted once a week.  I’m on 12 medications.  I barely get to see my son. My boyfriend broke up with me.  I just want to give up. Life is too hard.  I can’t handle it

I Give Up

Well I tried to get my doctors to clear me to go back to work but they wouldn’t do it because of my memory loss and I’m still having depression symptoms.  I stopped ECT and they got mad and I have go back to treatments.  I’m making no income, I just don’t know what to do.  I’m fucked.

Forgotten

Well a lot has happened recently.  My friend and her son are staying with me temporarily.  We are going to help each other out and try not to be homeless.  She has made me realize how much I have forgotten.  There are so many memories I have lost from ECT.  It makes me not want to do it anymore.  I’ve done over 40 treatments.  It’s like I’m losing the foundation of what makes me who I am.  So many people want me to stop.  I used think they were worrying too much but now I look at all these pictures and have no recollection of all these past events, its really sad.

Depression

Another day.  Another day of waiting and not knowing what is going to happen. How can any agency say Im not disabled. Im surrounded by medications, I barely go out anymore.  I dont take care of myself like I used to.  Brushing my hair is hard.  

My apartment looks like shit.  I have piles of bills every where.  I can’t keep up with anything.  I used to be a good mother.  Now I can barely be a mother because I can barely take care of myself. I miss my baby so much though but I know I did the right thing by giving full custody to his Dad while I’m battling this disease.

I don’t have ECT till Friday.  They wanted to drop me to once a week but I just dont think I can handle it.  I think I need it twice a week but finding a ride is so hard. If the government would just give me disability , I could hire a case worker to take me.  

I’m so tired of waiting for disability .  I’m going to be homeless soon and Im going to lose everything.  I’ve already lost so much already.  

God help me