I Can Do Better

Well I have a lot on my mind lately.  I am confused about my life and who I am.  My life is such a blur after having all my shock treatments.  I am lonely and bewildered by all the mistakes I have made.  I am trying to change my life around but it is hard.  Starting over isn’t as easy as it sounds.  I feel so lonely and isolated.  I have no one to relate to, which makes things feel very hopeless.  I tried to reach out for help by going to counseling but my insurance doesn’t cover it.  I was proud that I got myself a new job but now I feel like I can do better.  I worked for the government for 13 years and worked very hard to get as high up as I did and to start a new job making minimum wage is starting to get to me.  I want to be able to survive on my own and have my son back.  I did start putting in for Government jobs again but no luck yet.  I don’t even know if they will take me back knowing that I have a mental illness.  I just can’t picture myself working at a car dealership for the rest of my life.

I have lost most of my friends from everything I have done.  I always thought I was a good person but I’m not.  I want to be a good person and make things right but all the people I lost wont talk to me anymore.  My ex husband can’t stand me, I think he wishes I was dead.  I don’t even try to talk to him anymore except about our son and even that’s like pulling teeth.  It’s sad because we have known each other since we were kids.  I just wish I lived my life differently, I lost so much and ill never get it back.  I put partial blame on doctors for destroying my life but I accept responsibility for my actions.

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Cleaning Up The Past

Well its the new year and its not going well so far.  The past is coming back to haunt me and forcing me to face my mistakes.  The IRS has frozen my bank account and I’m assuming they plan to garnish my wages.  I owe them money for taking loans out of my retirement to survive while I wasn’t working due to my mental illness.  I know I should have tried to take care of it but I was too drugged up and doing shock treatments.  I was just trying to survive each day.

I now have to go into work tomorrow and let my boss know, if he doesn’t know already.  It’s going to be so embarrassing.  I also still need to call the IRS to see if they will just take part of my pay checks instead of everything till the debt is paid.  It’s just hard to call because the wait time is 45 min to hour to talk to someone and they are only open during the times I work.

I just hope I can work this out some how to where I at least get enough money each month for food.  I also don’t want to explain to them that the reason I haven’t taken care of this is because I was in and out a mental hospital for almost a year getting shock treatments.

I just want to scream. When will I get a break from fucking up my life?  I’m trying so hard to get my life back together.

Palpitations

Well things have been okay for the last couple weeks.  My Brother hasn’t had any major temper tantrums but I’m still always on edge. I started having heart palpitations again.  I haven’t had them since my son was born.  In fact heart palpitations are the reason I got started on the whole medication roller coaster.  The doctor diagnosed me with postpartum depression and anxiety and then prescribed me Xanax…. and that’s where it started and how everything went to shit.  One bottle of Xanax to 16 medications and shock treatments to my brain.

I think the heart palpitations may be caused from sleep deprivation and stress.  It makes sense because when I was a new mother, I wasn’t getting much sleep.  Now I just have a needy elderly cat that doesn’t let me sleep much and an angry Brother that always keeps me on edge.

I’m hoping the heart palpitations go away, I refuse to go on medication.

I’ve been feeling really lonely again.  I miss going and having coffee with someone and having a good conversation.  I got invited to my work Christmas party but I have no one to go with and I still don’t feel close enough to my co workers to go alone, so I’m not going.

I miss having friends

I think I also feel down that I wont be with my son for Christmas.  This will be my first Christmas without him and I feel really guilty about it but I can’t miss work yet.  I just haven’t been there long enough.

 

New Job

So I started my new job.  Its hard work and I’m making half of what I used to make at my last job but what matters is that I’m making something.  I’m catching on okay but I am still having a little trouble with my short term memory.  I’m assuming its just the effects of the shock treatments still. I get along with everyone okay so far which is good but I can tell that people are curious as to why I am working at a car dealership when I had a successful career working for the Government.  I just hope no one asks me too much about my past.  

I thought a lot about my past today.  It made me wish that I had someone to talk to about it.  I think I just need someone to talk to in general.  I hope to start seeing a therapist as soon as I get paid.  I think that will help me.

I’m so lonely 

Side Effect

It’s just a side effect, nothing is wrong
Relax, it’s only for now
Just a temporary bump in the road
A lapse, it’s under control

Stop alarming yourselves
There’s no need for panic
Please remain calm
Your compliance isn’t optional
Now, calmly

Line up
Stay down

The game is rigged
So the same side wins
No matter how many times we try

It’s just a side effect, nothing is wrong
Relax and swallow your dose
Just a necessary step on the road
To track and stay in control

Stop alarming yourselves
There’s no need for panic
Please remain calm
Your compliance isn’t optional
Now, calmly

Line up
Stay down

The game is rigged
So the same side wins
No matter how many times we try

Line up
Stay down

The game is rigged
So the same side wins
No matter how many times we try

Line up
Stay down

The game is rigged
So the same side wins
No matter how many times we try

A Letter To My Son

To my beloved son,

I know there are no words I can say that will change all I have done.  I just want to say how sorry I am that I wasn’t there for you when I should have been.  I let my pain and illness take over me to a point that I couldn’t be a mother to you.  I regret having to move far away to try and get better.  I hope one day that you can forgive me.  Just know that I never stopped loving you.  Now that I am recovering I am going to do everything in my power to be a good Mother to you.  I hope you and your Father move up here soon so we can be together once again, as it should be.

Love always,

Mommy

The Pain of Divorce

I was thinking about my ex- in laws today.  I haven’t thought about them in a long time.  They were practically my second parents growing up.  I haven’t talked to them in over a year now.  I think one of the most painful things going through the divorce was losing them.  I cared so much about what they thought of me.  I sometimes wonder if they ever think about me.  I’m pretty sure I’m a fuck up in their eyes.  There are some things that they told me that I wish I had listened to.

There is so much that happened during the divorce that is a blur.  Ever since I had shock treatments on my brain, the whole event is like a dream that I’m trying to remember but I can only get bits and pieces.   I know when I found out my ex husband had remarried barely a year after we divorced, just devastated me.  I think everything went down hill for me after that.  I also remember that my ex husband refused to be friends with me, even though we share a child really hurt me too.

I think with all the pain of the divorce and the fact that I hated my job didn’t help.  My ex husband and is family worked on the same naval base as I did at one time.  So I had to come to work every day and be reminded of them, it was just too much.

I of course turned to alcohol almost every day to ease my suffering but what I didn’t realize is that it was just making me worse.  So I then started going to the doctor a lot, hoping that they could fix my pain.  It just seemed like I was getting put on a new medication every couple months. Till eventually I was on 16 medications at the same time.  I could barely function and just started not going to work anymore.  I still can’t believe I was still driving at this point.  No one should be driving while on that many medications.  So doctors didn’t know what else to do with me except start giving me shock treatments to my brain 2 to 3 times a week for 8 months.  Honestly I liked it.  I liked being put under and losing my memory after.  It was nice not having to remember the past.  I think that’s why I kept doing it for as long as I did.  But it was short lived.

I just came to a point that I couldn’t function at all anymore and I just lost everything and ended up here in Washington with my Brother.  What I regret the most is that I couldn’t be a parent to my son.  It’s hurts so much that he is living in another state from me and I can barely see him.  I know he is being well taken care of by his father and step mother but it’s still hard.  That is my baby.

Now that I have been off all the medications for about 5 months now.  I feel so much better and clear headed.  I’m starting over and I have a new job that I’m starting soon and everything is going to be okay I hope.  I still have a lot I need to take of financially to get back on track, which it will take time but at least ill be doing something about it.

I’m not going to say divorce ruined my life but it didn’t help.

To Be Loved

So I had a day to myself today.  I got all my house work done and I had some time to myself.  I went in my room and sat on my bed and I looked through my old pictures.  I know I shouldn’t reminisce about the past but I just can’t help it sometimes.  Since I have moved to Washington and gotten off all the meds I feel like a different person.  I looked back at my pictures and how things were before I became so consumed with addiction and mental illness.  I know things weren’t as happy as I looked in those pictures.  Slowly but surely addiction and mental illness were taking over my life till it completely did.

I think about how things went so wrong with my marriage.  I practically grew up with my husband from childhood and his parents were my parents.  So much I regret.  So many things I wish I had done differently.  Instead I just let doctors pack on more pills for my depression and the more I drank because I just wanted to feel nothing.  Now my ex husband can barely talk to me.  He despises me so much for wasting his life.  I still love him though and always will.  I know that he hates the fact that we share a child together and knows he can never truly get rid of me.  The sad part about it is my child sees it too.

I do wonder now that I’m in a new place and starting over if ill ever meet someone.  Will anyone be willing to accept me for who I am and all that I have been through. Can anyone love me after knowing I have been in a mental hospital and received 65 shock treatments to my brain?  I don’t want to spend the rest of my life not ever being touched or loved by someone.  I know my beauty has faded over the years but I’m not entirely ugly yet.  I hope I have a chance to be with someone who makes me happy.  I don’t want this to be the end.