To Be Loved

So I had a day to myself today.  I got all my house work done and I had some time to myself.  I went in my room and sat on my bed and I looked through my old pictures.  I know I shouldn’t reminisce about the past but I just can’t help it sometimes.  Since I have moved to Washington and gotten off all the meds I feel like a different person.  I looked back at my pictures and how things were before I became so consumed with addiction and mental illness.  I know things weren’t as happy as I looked in those pictures.  Slowly but surely addiction and mental illness were taking over my life till it completely did.

I think about how things went so wrong with my marriage.  I practically grew up with my husband from childhood and his parents were my parents.  So much I regret.  So many things I wish I had done differently.  Instead I just let doctors pack on more pills for my depression and the more I drank because I just wanted to feel nothing.  Now my ex husband can barely talk to me.  He despises me so much for wasting his life.  I still love him though and always will.  I know that he hates the fact that we share a child together and knows he can never truly get rid of me.  The sad part about it is my child sees it too.

I do wonder now that I’m in a new place and starting over if ill ever meet someone.  Will anyone be willing to accept me for who I am and all that I have been through. Can anyone love me after knowing I have been in a mental hospital and received 65 shock treatments to my brain?  I don’t want to spend the rest of my life not ever being touched or loved by someone.  I know my beauty has faded over the years but I’m not entirely ugly yet.  I hope I have a chance to be with someone who makes me happy.  I don’t want this to be the end.

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Getting My Life Back

Well I have ECT tomorrow.  It will be my 10th treatment. I have 10 more to go.  Originally I thought it was 12 treatments but it looks like its going to be 20.  I have been kinda of stressed out lately.  I haven’t wanted to be touched.  I have a lot on my mind.  I’m  really worried what they are saying about me at work.  I know I shouldn’t care what other people think but I can’t help it.  I’m getting electric shock for peat sake.  I really don’t want to be depressed though.  I am desperate. Depression destroyed my life and I am willing to do any thing to make it go away.  I lost my marriage, my friends, my family, my house, and now I may lose my job.  I’ll sit in that mental hospital and get electrocuted any day if meant getting any of those things back.

Doing The Best I Can

Well I have ECT this morning.  I hope it makes me feel better.  I’m going to stop talking to my ex for a while.  The ball is in court now.  I’m going to leave him alone.  Besides I think I’m searching for some sort of approval from him that I’m not going to get.  I need to focus on me right now and not what he thinks or what his wife thinks.  The fact is I’m doing the best I can right now by getting help at the mental hospital.

Friday

Well I had my ECT “Electro-convulsive Therapy”  today and it went very well.  No side effects this time.  The doctors did say I almost threw up shortly after the procedure but I don’t remember.  They gave me some anti-nausea medicine and it went away I guess.  I feel really good.  I’ve just been working on my art work in photoshop to keep my mind busy.

I still haven’t really talked to my ex husband since I was in the hospital.  He doesn’t even know I’m home from being in patient.  His parents are watching our son this weekend which is good because I need to recover.  I miss my son though.  I figure I don’t need to tell my ex because he doesn’t care in the first place.  Oh how I wish I never had to see my ex again. He has caused me so much pain.

Why I’m Screwed Up in The Head

My twin died in the womb

My friend bullied me and tried to kill me when I was 15

My boyfriend raped me and cut me up with a razor blade and gave me an STD

I watched my Grandfather die on my Birthday

I watched my best friend die from AIDS

I got sick with erythema nodosum and had to take low dose chemo injections

My husband divorced me

I’m now suffering from ankylosing spondylitis in my spine and hips and suffer from chronic pain have to take injections and a shit ton of medications

I think those are all the main things why I’m so messed up and suffer severe major depression.  There are little things like getting my heart broken but I’m not going to list those.

No wonder I’m getting electric shock treatments to my brain to make me sane again.

 

Talking to a Friend

I talked to an old friend today.  She is social worker and has worked with people that have received ECT treatments.  It felt good to talk to someone who has experience around it.  I also asked her if she would come with me to one of my treatments.  I feel bad because I know we haven’t hung out as friends in a while and I’m asking her to be there for me.  It just would be nice to have a friend there with me other than my boy friend all the time.  We kind of distanced after my divorce, mainly because I pushed everyone away.

To Eric

To Eric my boy friend who has supported me through this whole ECT treatment process.  You have been there for me more than anyone.  You came to visit me every day in the hospital.  You brought me anything I needed.  You held my hand when I was in pain after my treatments when I couldn’t move.  I love you so much, thank you.  I know couldn’t have done this without you.

Finally At Home

Well I’m out of the hospital and at home now.  It is so good to be home.  I have another ETC treatment on Friday and I will continue to have treatments for the next couple weeks till I reach up to 12 treatments.  I can’t drive for 5 weeks so my boy friend is going to have to be chauffeur for a while.  I feel so good, I haven’t felt this good in a very long time.  I also don’t have the urge to drink which is good because I can’t drink between treatments.

I was looking at my discharge paperwork and they gave me long list of diagnosis’s; Depression, alcohol abuse, benzo abuse, chronic pain, hypothyroidism,  OCD, and Severe Major Depression.

On a plus side my cats are happy to see me and I’m so glad to back home with my boy friend.  I can’t wait to see my son again.  I’ll have 4 more treatments before I see him again so I’ll be doing really well.  I’m going to start exercising tomorrow on my bran new elliptical that I bought a couple weeks ago that I was too depressed to use before.

I’ve learned a lot from being in the hospital for 6 days.  I’ve learned that routine is important and eating 3 meals a day, going to bed on time, taking my meds at the same time every day and going to therapy regularly is very important for mental health.  I was doing none of these things before.

Lighter

Well I feel pretty good today.  I have been admitted to the mental hospital for a week now and it looks like I will be getting out of here on Friday.  Friday will also be my last in patient ECT “Electro Convulsive Treatment” , then I will be doing the rest of them out patient till I reach up to 12 treatments.   I called work this morning and told them everything.  That was really hard.  I got a lot of the patients into coloring.  My mom and sister brought coloring stuff and I shared with everyone and now I got the whole ward into coloring, it’s pretty cool.  Although someone stole one of my coloring books but whatever.  I’ve made some friends here which is good.  I feel comfortable here and not judged.  Any ways I feel over all a lot better.  Almost lighter in sense.  I haven’t felt this good in a long time.

2nd Treatment

Well I had my second ECT “Electro Shock”  treatment today.  This time went much better because they gave me pain killer before the procedure.  This whole thing is turning out to be a lot less scary than I thought.  My memory is fine.  I feel a little slow but that’s about it.  I will probably feel sore all over tomorrow but I can handle that.  I tried calling work today to tell them where I am and why and I couldn’t get through to anyone.  They just think I’m in the hospital but don’t know why.  My boy friend has been so supportive I could cry.  I keep wishing my ex cared.  I don’t know why.  I need to stop.  I wish they could electrocute my brain to not care about him anymore like he does me.  Who knows maybe after the 12th treatment I will.