Dennis

So today is the Anniversary of my best friends death.  It has been 9 years since his passing.  He died from complications of AIDS.  He ended up getting fungal pneumonia and because he wasn’t treating his HIV, his immune system wasn’t strong enough to fight the infection.  He was 25 years old.

I have to say watching him get sick and passing away was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through.  He was in the hospital hooked up to everything you could think of for a little over a month because he couldn’t breath on his own.

I regret that I hadn’t spent as much time with him before he got sick.

I miss him

 

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To Dennis

Well it’s going to be the anniversary of my best friends death soon.  It’s been 9 years  since he passed.  It does get easier but it’s still hurts.  I think watching him get sick with AIDs was one of the hardest things I have ever been through.  I regret that I didn’t spend time with him a couple years before his passing.  I just didn’t agree with what he was doing with his life, so I distanced myself.  He was always there for me growing up and we had some great times together.  He was always very charismatic and he had a laugh that was like no other.

I wish he had been around when I was going through such a hard time in my life.  I think if he had been around, I would have been a stronger person through it all.

To Dennis.  I miss you

Why I’m Screwed Up in The Head

My twin died in the womb

My friend bullied me and tried to kill me when I was 15

My boyfriend raped me and cut me up with a razor blade and gave me an STD

I watched my Grandfather die on my Birthday

I watched my best friend die from AIDS

I got sick with erythema nodosum and had to take low dose chemo injections

My husband divorced me

I’m now suffering from ankylosing spondylitis in my spine and hips and suffer from chronic pain have to take injections and a shit ton of medications

I think those are all the main things why I’m so messed up and suffer severe major depression.  There are little things like getting my heart broken but I’m not going to list those.

No wonder I’m getting electric shock treatments to my brain to make me sane again.

 

Forsaken

To Dennis.  My best friend that I wish was here in this dark time of my life.  You were always there to rescue me.. RIP

I have nothing left to feel.
I have nothing left to say
I’ll just let this slip away.
I feel these engines power down.
I feel this heart begin to bleed
as I turn this burning page.

Please forgive me if I bleed.
Please forgive me if I breathe.

I have words I need to say.
Oh so very much to say.
And whose life do I lead?
And whose blood do I bleed?
Whose air do I breathe?
With whose skin now do I feel?

I’m supposed to walk away from here.
I’m supposed to walk away from here.

And whose life do I lead?
Whose air do I now breathe?
Whose blood do I bleed?
I’m convinced there’s nothing more.

The day you died I lost my way.
The day you died I lost my mind.

What am I supposed to do?
Is there something more?

The engines power down.
Like a soldier to his end I go.
Because I’m convinced
that there is nothing more.
and whose air do I breathe?
and whose life do I lead

With whose skin and whose blood do I feel?

Have I done something wrong?
What happens now?

Please forgive my need to breathe
Forgive my need to bleed right now.
But I’ve so much to say
and it wouldn’t matter anyway.
You’re not here to hear these words that I must say
and I’m convinced inside
that there is nothing more.

Whose life do I lead?
Whose air do I breathe.
With whose skin now do I feel?
Whose blood do I now bleed?

I have nothing left to say.
I have nothing left to feel.
Am I supposed to let this go now,
let darkness come and take you away?

Read more: Vnv Nation – Forsaken – Vocal Version Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Dennis

I really miss my best friend.  I could really use his humor and advise right now.  I have to say watching him pass away from AIDS was one of the hardest things I have ever been through.  He had this laugh that would just fill the room.  He was so funny and blunt.  We joked around when he was dying that if he died that he would have to come back haunt me because we believed in that sort of thing.  I have yet to see a sign from him.   It’s just really hard because back then, when ever I had a problem I would run to him.  I don’t have that anymore and it’s hard.  I really miss him.

Hold On

Hold on
Hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
you know that only time will tell
What is it in me that refuses to believe
this isn’t easier than the real thing
My love
you know that you’re my best friend
you know I’d do anything for you
my love
let nothing come between us
my love for you is strong and true
Am I in heaven here or am I…
at the crossroads I am standing
So now you’re sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
that you’ll be strong tomorrow and we’ll
see another day and we will praise it
and love the light that brings a smile
across your face
Oh god if you’re out there won’t you hear me
I know that we’ve never talked before
oh god the man I love is leaving
won’t you take him when he comes to your door
Am I in heaven here or am I in hell
at the crossroads I am standing
Now you’re sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
that you’ll be strong tomorrow and we’ll
see another day and we will praise it
and love the light that brings a smile
across your face…
Hold on
hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell
-Sarah Mclachlan

Dennis

I can’t sleep.  I keep thinking about my best friend.  He has been passed away for 6 years now.  I am having such a hard time in my life and I keep wishing he were still alive.  I wonder what it would be like if he were here.  I keep trying to remember all my memories of him and all the good times we had.  Although towards the end the memories are horrible.  He died from AIDS at age 25. His lungs just gave out from pneumonia.  It was very traumatizing to watch because it was a slow death.  His immune system just wasn’t strong enough to fight it.  I told him that he better haunt my ass if he died…and I have yet to feel  his presence.  We both believed in ghosts too.  I guess I’m not sensitive enough or something.  I would like to believe his energy is out there some where.   Maybe some day he will come to visit me.  I know I sound crazy but I just really miss him and most of all I miss his laugh.

A Letter to a Best friend

I know you can’t read this but I hope are out there some where.  I miss going on drives with you and listening to music.  I miss your laugh.  I miss your blunt sarcasm.  I miss your hugs.  I wish you could be here because I have really needed you.  I have felt so alone with out you in my life.  I know this life was hard and it just wasn’t meant to be.  I hope you are in a peaceful place now.  I told you before you slipped away to haunt my ass…still waiting for you to show up.  Maybe one day.

Rest in peace Dennis.  I am thinking about you and I will always love you