A Letter To My Son

To my beloved son,

I know there are no words I can say that will change all I have done.  I just want to say how sorry I am that I wasn’t there for you when I should have been.  I let my pain and illness take over me to a point that I couldn’t be a mother to you.  I regret having to move far away to try and get better.  I hope one day that you can forgive me.  Just know that I never stopped loving you.  Now that I am recovering I am going to do everything in my power to be a good Mother to you.  I hope you and your Father move up here soon so we can be together once again, as it should be.

Love always,



The Pain of Divorce

I was thinking about my ex- in laws today.  I haven’t thought about them in a long time.  They were practically my second parents growing up.  I haven’t talked to them in over a year now.  I think one of the most painful things going through the divorce was losing them.  I cared so much about what they thought of me.  I sometimes wonder if they ever think about me.  I’m pretty sure I’m a fuck up in their eyes.  There are some things that they told me that I wish I had listened to.

There is so much that happened during the divorce that is a blur.  Ever since I had shock treatments on my brain, the whole event is like a dream that I’m trying to remember but I can only get bits and pieces.   I know when I found out my ex husband had remarried barely a year after we divorced, just devastated me.  I think everything went down hill for me after that.  I also remember that my ex husband refused to be friends with me, even though we share a child really hurt me too.

I think with all the pain of the divorce and the fact that I hated my job didn’t help.  My ex husband and is family worked on the same naval base as I did at one time.  So I had to come to work every day and be reminded of them, it was just too much.

I of course turned to alcohol almost every day to ease my suffering but what I didn’t realize is that it was just making me worse.  So I then started going to the doctor a lot, hoping that they could fix my pain.  It just seemed like I was getting put on a new medication every couple months. Till eventually I was on 16 medications at the same time.  I could barely function and just started not going to work anymore.  I still can’t believe I was still driving at this point.  No one should be driving while on that many medications.  So doctors didn’t know what else to do with me except start giving me shock treatments to my brain 2 to 3 times a week for 8 months.  Honestly I liked it.  I liked being put under and losing my memory after.  It was nice not having to remember the past.  I think that’s why I kept doing it for as long as I did.  But it was short lived.

I just came to a point that I couldn’t function at all anymore and I just lost everything and ended up here in Washington with my Brother.  What I regret the most is that I couldn’t be a parent to my son.  It’s hurts so much that he is living in another state from me and I can barely see him.  I know he is being well taken care of by his father and step mother but it’s still hard.  That is my baby.

Now that I have been off all the medications for about 5 months now.  I feel so much better and clear headed.  I’m starting over and I have a new job that I’m starting soon and everything is going to be okay I hope.  I still have a lot I need to take of financially to get back on track, which it will take time but at least ill be doing something about it.

I’m not going to say divorce ruined my life but it didn’t help.

Hoping for Revelation

It’s interesting how life can suddenly change.  I think about the past and all that could have been.  I’m scared what my future might hold.  I have had so many struggles in my life so far, I don’t know if I can bare anymore pain.  I find myself wondering if it all was meant to happen this way.  I wonder if everything had a purpose to mold me some how to become a stronger person.  I keep hoping for some kind of revelation to the purpose of my misfortune.


Well after my experience today wanting to hurt myself, I feel very alone.  I can’t go to my Brother and say “oh by the way, you stress me out so much that I want to hurt myself”. I can’t talk to his 16 year old daughter about it.  I don’t want to talk to my friends and family about it because I have made such good progress trying to start my life over. I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

I figure as soon as I get my first pay check from my new job, I’ll look for a therapist.  I’m not going on meds again. I just need to get my own place and not have to be constantly on edge when my Brother is around.

Taken Over By Anxiety

So I had a good and bad day today.  I finally got a call for the job I interviewed for.  They said I got the job.  I just need to pass their background check and drug test, which I’m not worried about.  I just hope they don’t run my credit.  I’m excited that I am finally getting back into society but at the same time I’m terrified.  It’s been over a year since I last worked.  So that was the good news today.

The bad news today is that I had issues with my depression and it happened really quickly.  So every day I take care of all the chores around the house.  I try to make sure everything is perfect before my brother gets home from work.  I feel it’s my place to take care of everything around the house because he is providing a roof over my head and I am not working yet.  Lately my Brother has been really stressed out about money and he’s been working a lot.  He’s been very angry when he gets home from work almost every day for the last two weeks.  Some days I feel like I can’t even say a word to him or else he will snap.  I told him I got a job and I hoped that this would lighten his mood but it did not.

He pointed out that I shouldn’t have thrown the paper towel away that was on top of the microwave where he sets his dentures when he takes them out.  He was kind of an ass about it.  So after his lecture, my feeling of excitement and hopefulness about my new job just disappeared in a matter of minutes and I had an urge to want to hurt myself.  I went out side and tried to fight the urge to cut myself.  I haven’t had that feeling in a long time.  After about 20 minutes it subsided.

I think maybe because my anxiety was elevated from hearing about my new job and then having my angry Brother come home and being in fear that I didn’t do everything up to his expectation just pushed me to that dark place.

I need to move out of this house.  I want to help my Brother financially but I don’t think its good for me mentally to stay here.  I know I will probably be here for another 6 months to a year.  I just can’t live like this.  Its like I’m walking on egg shells all the time. He hates life so much and he doesn’t realize all the good things around him.

Any way’s that was my day. A mental roller coaster.


I think I’m lonely.  I live with my Brother and niece but I still find myself some what alone.  I haven’t worked in over a year so I lack that social contact.  I am currently looking for work so I hope that changes.  I just feel I need someone to talk to.  I talk to my Brother but he’s so self centered that any conversation we have, he turns into about himself.  I don’t blame him, its just the way he is.  I can’t really talk to my niece, she’s 16 and on another planet which is to be expected for a teenager.

It doesn’t help that I don’t have my son to distract me.  I miss him so much and can’t wait to see him again.  I know this loneliness will pass.  It’s just hard right now.

To Be Loved

So I had a day to myself today.  I got all my house work done and I had some time to myself.  I went in my room and sat on my bed and I looked through my old pictures.  I know I shouldn’t reminisce about the past but I just can’t help it sometimes.  Since I have moved to Washington and gotten off all the meds I feel like a different person.  I looked back at my pictures and how things were before I became so consumed with addiction and mental illness.  I know things weren’t as happy as I looked in those pictures.  Slowly but surely addiction and mental illness were taking over my life till it completely did.

I think about how things went so wrong with my marriage.  I practically grew up with my husband from childhood and his parents were my parents.  So much I regret.  So many things I wish I had done differently.  Instead I just let doctors pack on more pills for my depression and the more I drank because I just wanted to feel nothing.  Now my ex husband can barely talk to me.  He despises me so much for wasting his life.  I still love him though and always will.  I know that he hates the fact that we share a child together and knows he can never truly get rid of me.  The sad part about it is my child sees it too.

I do wonder now that I’m in a new place and starting over if ill ever meet someone.  Will anyone be willing to accept me for who I am and all that I have been through. Can anyone love me after knowing I have been in a mental hospital and received 65 shock treatments to my brain?  I don’t want to spend the rest of my life not ever being touched or loved by someone.  I know my beauty has faded over the years but I’m not entirely ugly yet.  I hope I have a chance to be with someone who makes me happy.  I don’t want this to be the end.

Out of Control

Well I decided to make a list of all the medications I was on 5 months ago.  It was very hard remembering all the names.  When I was in San Diego I had 4 doctors.  I had a Psychiatrist, Rheumatologist, ECT doctor, and Primary care.  I was being treated for my mental illness and autoimmune disease ankylosing spondylitis.  I honestly believe that my autoimmune disease was psychosomatic.  The only thing they could find that was abnormal was my ESR levels.  Either way they treated me for this disease any way.

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with Major Depression, Agoraphobia, Generalized Anxiety, Panic Disorder and OCD.

These were the medications I was on.  Some of which I have come to find out aren’t even for the illnesses I was diagnosed with.

Olanzapine–Schizophrenia and bi polar disorder

Abilify– Depression, Schizophrenia, and mood disorders

Topamax– Epilepsy, migraines

Buspar– Anxiety

Cymbalta– Depression, anxiety

Xanax– Anxiety

Sonata– insomnia

Vyvanse– ADHD

Levothyroxine– Low thyroid, Depression

Humira– Inflamation, pain

Indomethasin– Joint Stiffness

Gabapentin– Nerve pain

Prednisone–Pain, Inflamtion

Naproxen– Pain

Vicodin– Pain

So I look at this list and I think to myself how the Fuck did I even function as long as I did? I mean eventually I couldn’t function anymore and I lost my career of 14 years and I couldn’t be a parent to my child and I lost everything.  It was just too much. On top of it all I was getting ECT shock treatments at the hospital 2 to 3 times a week for months.

I know I can’t completely blame the doctors.  I know it was my choice to take the medications they prescribed to me.  I thought that since a doctor was advising me to take these medications that I would get better.  Unfortunately it made me worse.

Now that I have been taking nothing for the last 5 months, I feel so much better and awakened.  I feel like I have been in a sedated reality for the last 7 years. I do still battle with my depression and pain but I can manage it. Just changing my whole environment and life style has been 100 times better than any drug I have been on.

Now I am not saying that people shouldn’t take medication.  Some medications maybe life changing for some people.  I just think in my case it got out of control.





Are We Over medicating in America?

In my last blog I was talking about the series of documentaries I have been watching about different mentally ill people being admitted into a Ward in Britain.  I noticed another interesting point from these films.  Most of these people had more severe mental illnesses than I do like Paranoid Schizophrenia, Psychosis, Borderline Personality disorder and severe forms of Bi Polar disorder.  I noticed that all of them were put on way less medication than I  was put on. I would say at most they were on 5 to 6 different medications.  So,  I want to know why the hell my doctors in the United States had me on 12 to 14 medications for Major Depression and Agoraphobia? Are we over medicating people here in America?

I also noticed that ,in Britain they put more effort taking care of their mentally ill patients.  For example, after a patient is discharged from a ward in Britain, they actually send someone out to your place of residence to check up on you every day for weeks to see how you are functioning in society.  That doesn’t happen here in America, at least not in my experience.

Any ways, I found Britain’s approach to mental illness very interesting.

Ramblings of a Mental Patient

Whispers of the past still linger

Echos of pain and regret

Loneliness is all that remains

A tainted mind that never stops

Days go by with uncertainty

Nightmares have taken over my only solitude

The loss of all that was haunts my every breath

The anticipation of hope of a new life is still beneath the surface

So I just wait

For a glimpse of stability in this tragic existence