Whispers of the past still linger
Echos of pain and regret
Loneliness is all that remains
A tainted mind that never stops
Days go by with uncertainty
Nightmares have taken over my only solitude
The loss of all that was haunts my every breath
The anticipation of hope of a new life is still beneath the surface
So I just wait
For a glimpse of stability in this tragic existence
I have been trying to get myself out of the house to meet up with friends. It has been a little bit of a challenge but I did it this weekend. My boyfriend I met up with 6 different people in two days. I have been a hermit for almost two years, ever since my divorce. It was wonderful seeing everyone but at the same time I feel drained from it. I’m just not used to going out and being social anymore. There are more people I want to get back in touch with too. I never realized that I have a lot people out there that care about me, and I just pushed them away because I was going through a hard time in my life.
I have always had this problem with negative thoughts looping in my head. I tend to dwell on things a lot. It’s not as bad as it used to be now that I have been on Abilify but they still happen. I can sit and stew on something for hours and it will just become more negative the longer I dwell on it. Usually this act will trigger my anxiety. Then I’ll usually have to take a Xanax to calm myself down. I hate that I have to depend on these drugs to function but I know that with out them, I would be whole lot worse.
I have tried so many natural remedies for depression. I was even paying $400 a month for acupuncture and all these Chinese medicines. I tried using holistic oils and motivation DVD’s. I even turned to GOD and my ex mother in law performed an exorcism on me, talking in tongues and anointing me with oil to cast all the evil spirits away. So it’s not like I didn’t try.
Basically what I am getting at is…I’m tired of people who look down on those that have to take medication for their depression. Depression isn’t something you can control and make go away. I have been judged so many times for my depression. I have even had friends and family that look down on me, because they consider medication a crutch.
Then there are the people who say “well if you eat right and exercise and take all these vitamins”…you will be cured. That’s fine and dandy if that really works for people but it doesn’t work for me. I have spent a lot of time and money going the natural route and it didn’t work…So don’t judge me for my depression or my medications. I am doing a lot better and I am improving my life. In the past I was suffering from borderline agoraphobia and I feared driving. I would have panic attacks just going to the store from social anxiety. I could go on… but the bottom line is that I have come a long way.
Sorry just had to vent there a little. It’s just been a frustrating and rewarding journey