It’s Not Right

So I worked things out with the IRS.  They gave me my money back and I only have to pay 200 a month to pay off my $1000 debt.  I do feel better that I got that resolved.  I was so scared that they were going to garnish my whole pay checks.  It’s nice to know I will get this taken care of and still survive in the process.

On a different subject…..I’m in a difficult situation with my good friend Becky.  Recently my drug addict friend Kasey that I grew up with slept with Becky’s husband and almost destroyed their marriage.  Now Kasey is homeless again, using drugs, and cutting herself.  Today Kasey’s Mother asked me about her and I told her that I don’t want to get involved.  I guess Kasey’s mom asked Becky about her too and Becky lied to her and told her that she’s doing fine and looking to get studio apartment, which is bullshit.

Kasey is living in her car with 3 dogs, a cat and a 5 year old child.  I don’t agree with this.   I think her son would be better off in foster care than living this way but Becky doesn’t agree.  She believes that a child should always stay with their mother.

Well in a way this made me feel like shit, because I don’t have my son right now.  I left my son with his father because I needed to get better and I didn’t want him to see me suffer with mental illness.  I grew up with a mentally ill mother and it was fucked up.  I just didn’t want to put my son through that.

So I think I may stop talking to Becky too, which saddens me but I need to let go of the past and move on.

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Dead to Me

So today I want to write about my friend Kasey.  I have known her since she was one years old.  We were best friends growing up.  She was like a sister to me.  I used to always consider her the twin sister I never had because my twin died in the womb.  We did everything together.  She was smart and loved writing but all that changed.  She worked normal jobs out of high school and then discovered stripping.  Soon after stripping she discovered drugs and all kinds of men.  It started with xanax and then later she moved on to meth.

She ended up getting pregnant and I took her in for a while but eventually she ended up abandoning her daughter with her Mother.  She then went back to stripping and got pregnant again and was living on the streets and I took her in again and helped her through her pregnancy.  Once she had her son, my husband couldn’t take it anymore and we made her move in with the Father of her child.  That didn’t last long and she ended up stripping again and then escorting.  Then she basically ended up couch hopping with her son where ever they could stay.  She started doing drugs again but not meth this time.  She started snorting and smoking Aderal and whatever pharmaceuticals she could get her hands on.

A couple years went by and I didn’t really hear from her and when I did she wanted money.  Then 6 months ago before I came here to Washington, I took her in again.  She had been living in her car with her 5 year old son, 3 dogs and her cat.  I thought maybe if I helped her again that she would get back track and I was in a lonely spot and I think a part of me missed the old Kasey that I grew up with.

Well that was one of the worst mistakes I ever made.  She just ended up using me till I had no more strength left to give.  I unfortunately don’t remember too much of all that happened because I was getting shock treatments at the time and I was heavily medicated.  All I know is that she really fucked me and made my life a whole lot worse.  What’s the saddest part about all of this is that she makes her son live this life of instability.  Her son is also Autistic and needs structure.

Well since I have been living in Washington, she has been doing her usual thing, couch hopping or living in her car.  Recently I found out that she had been staying at my friend Becky’s place.  Becky is another friend that we both grew up with.  I guess she has been at Becky’s for about 3 months now and has created nothing but chaos.  Becky and her husband have 3 children.  Kasey being her selfish self decided to start sleeping with Becky’s husband and has been giving him drugs and all the while Becky is watching her son with other 3 children while her husband and Kasey go out and party.  This I thought was even low for Kasey because she usually wouldn’t betray a close friend in that way.  I also heard from Becky that she has started cutting herself which is not like her.

Becky hasn’t kicked her out yet despite the pain the betrayal she is going through because she loves Kasey and doesn’t want her and her son to live on the streets.  My heart aches for Becky because I know the pain Kasey causes and I blame the drugs.  As far as I’m concerned Kasey is dead.  Drugs have basically consumed her soul and she is just an empty shell that feeds like a parasite to get what she wants.

So I’m done. Kasey is dead.

 

 

Palpitations

Well things have been okay for the last couple weeks.  My Brother hasn’t had any major temper tantrums but I’m still always on edge. I started having heart palpitations again.  I haven’t had them since my son was born.  In fact heart palpitations are the reason I got started on the whole medication roller coaster.  The doctor diagnosed me with postpartum depression and anxiety and then prescribed me Xanax…. and that’s where it started and how everything went to shit.  One bottle of Xanax to 16 medications and shock treatments to my brain.

I think the heart palpitations may be caused from sleep deprivation and stress.  It makes sense because when I was a new mother, I wasn’t getting much sleep.  Now I just have a needy elderly cat that doesn’t let me sleep much and an angry Brother that always keeps me on edge.

I’m hoping the heart palpitations go away, I refuse to go on medication.

I’ve been feeling really lonely again.  I miss going and having coffee with someone and having a good conversation.  I got invited to my work Christmas party but I have no one to go with and I still don’t feel close enough to my co workers to go alone, so I’m not going.

I miss having friends

I think I also feel down that I wont be with my son for Christmas.  This will be my first Christmas without him and I feel really guilty about it but I can’t miss work yet.  I just haven’t been there long enough.

 

Some What Damaged

So impressed with all you do
Tried so hard to be like you
Flew too high and burnt the wing
Lost my faith in everything

Lick around divine debris
Taste the wealth of hate in me
Shedding skin, succumb defeat
This machine is obsolete

Made the choice to go away
Drink the fountain of decay
Tear a hole exquisite red
Fuck the rest and stab it dead

Broken, bruised, forgotten sore
Too fucked up to care anymore
Poisoned to my rotten core
Too fucked up to care anymore

Broken, bruised, forgotten sore
Too fucked up to care anymore
Poisoned to my rotten core
Too fucked up to care anymore

In the back off the side far away
Is a place where I hide, where I stay
Tried to say, tried to ask I needed to
All alone by myself, where were you?

How could I ever think it’s funny how?
Everything that swore it wouldn’t change, is different now
Just like you would always say, “We’ll make it through”
Then my head fell apart and where were you?

How could I ever think it’s funny how?
Everything you swore would never change, is different now
Like you said, “You and me make it through”
Didn’t quite fell apart, where the fuck were you?

Rubicon

Praying for myself.
These thoughts I try to hide.
I have faith in me and hope this will survive.
But it’s tearing me apart.
I can’t hear the words by which I guide.
So I must ask again who will carry me.

I will not deny that nothing can defend
from the helplessness that’s cutting deep inside,
and I cannot prevent the thought that nothings real.
Seems I’ve waited years for this day to end.

The strength I need to feel, the pride inside of me,
Are not there behind the face staring back at me.
The anger and the pain of knowing where I am.
I have come so far and I cannot return.

Nothing I can do that I have not done.
No words I can say. No truth left that I can see.
So must I let this end so everything falls apart.
Before I live the life as I have always done.

Tell me what to do so I do nothing wrong.
Something I can hope for. Something real that I can see.
So nothing falls apart. So that it does not end.
I cannot return. I can’t start again.

Side Effect

It’s just a side effect, nothing is wrong
Relax, it’s only for now
Just a temporary bump in the road
A lapse, it’s under control

Stop alarming yourselves
There’s no need for panic
Please remain calm
Your compliance isn’t optional
Now, calmly

Line up
Stay down

The game is rigged
So the same side wins
No matter how many times we try

It’s just a side effect, nothing is wrong
Relax and swallow your dose
Just a necessary step on the road
To track and stay in control

Stop alarming yourselves
There’s no need for panic
Please remain calm
Your compliance isn’t optional
Now, calmly

Line up
Stay down

The game is rigged
So the same side wins
No matter how many times we try

Line up
Stay down

The game is rigged
So the same side wins
No matter how many times we try

Line up
Stay down

The game is rigged
So the same side wins
No matter how many times we try

The Pain of Divorce

I was thinking about my ex- in laws today.  I haven’t thought about them in a long time.  They were practically my second parents growing up.  I haven’t talked to them in over a year now.  I think one of the most painful things going through the divorce was losing them.  I cared so much about what they thought of me.  I sometimes wonder if they ever think about me.  I’m pretty sure I’m a fuck up in their eyes.  There are some things that they told me that I wish I had listened to.

There is so much that happened during the divorce that is a blur.  Ever since I had shock treatments on my brain, the whole event is like a dream that I’m trying to remember but I can only get bits and pieces.   I know when I found out my ex husband had remarried barely a year after we divorced, just devastated me.  I think everything went down hill for me after that.  I also remember that my ex husband refused to be friends with me, even though we share a child really hurt me too.

I think with all the pain of the divorce and the fact that I hated my job didn’t help.  My ex husband and is family worked on the same naval base as I did at one time.  So I had to come to work every day and be reminded of them, it was just too much.

I of course turned to alcohol almost every day to ease my suffering but what I didn’t realize is that it was just making me worse.  So I then started going to the doctor a lot, hoping that they could fix my pain.  It just seemed like I was getting put on a new medication every couple months. Till eventually I was on 16 medications at the same time.  I could barely function and just started not going to work anymore.  I still can’t believe I was still driving at this point.  No one should be driving while on that many medications.  So doctors didn’t know what else to do with me except start giving me shock treatments to my brain 2 to 3 times a week for 8 months.  Honestly I liked it.  I liked being put under and losing my memory after.  It was nice not having to remember the past.  I think that’s why I kept doing it for as long as I did.  But it was short lived.

I just came to a point that I couldn’t function at all anymore and I just lost everything and ended up here in Washington with my Brother.  What I regret the most is that I couldn’t be a parent to my son.  It’s hurts so much that he is living in another state from me and I can barely see him.  I know he is being well taken care of by his father and step mother but it’s still hard.  That is my baby.

Now that I have been off all the medications for about 5 months now.  I feel so much better and clear headed.  I’m starting over and I have a new job that I’m starting soon and everything is going to be okay I hope.  I still have a lot I need to take of financially to get back on track, which it will take time but at least ill be doing something about it.

I’m not going to say divorce ruined my life but it didn’t help.

Hoping for Revelation

It’s interesting how life can suddenly change.  I think about the past and all that could have been.  I’m scared what my future might hold.  I have had so many struggles in my life so far, I don’t know if I can bare anymore pain.  I find myself wondering if it all was meant to happen this way.  I wonder if everything had a purpose to mold me some how to become a stronger person.  I keep hoping for some kind of revelation to the purpose of my misfortune.

Alone

Well after my experience today wanting to hurt myself, I feel very alone.  I can’t go to my Brother and say “oh by the way, you stress me out so much that I want to hurt myself”. I can’t talk to his 16 year old daughter about it.  I don’t want to talk to my friends and family about it because I have made such good progress trying to start my life over. I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

I figure as soon as I get my first pay check from my new job, I’ll look for a therapist.  I’m not going on meds again. I just need to get my own place and not have to be constantly on edge when my Brother is around.