Drown

Your words disguise what you’re feeling now
But I’ve seen that look in your eyes before
Though you don’t want to admit it to me
I feel the disappointment I have caused you

If I drown
Please know it’s not your fault
There was no way you could save me from myself
If I drown
Please know it wasn’t you
I was the one who walked away from your help

I know it’s been years of empty promises
I wanted to follow through I wanted to be more
Though you don’t want to admit it to me
You can’t look at me in the same light anymore

 

By: Imperative Reaction

Read more: Imperative Reaction – Drown Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Sometimes I Hate My Life

Well I have never cried so much as I have in the last few weeks in my life.  I made a poor decision letting my friend I grew up with live with me with her 4 year old son. They had been living in her car and were Homeless.  I knew she was a stripper and I tried not to judge.  She also had a history with drug abuse. I just couldn’t say no, when she asked me and she seemed sober.  

I basically let chaos into my home and I was sick and getting electro shock therapy treatments once a week. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING! 

This girl or should I say bitch comes into my home. Brings her cat but fails to tell me she has 3 dogs too. They were just staying some where else. The dogs piss and shit all over my carpet due to her not taking them out to go potty. On top of it I have 2 cats. So 3 dogs, 3 cats and a hamster all in an apartment. The apartment stinks to Holy hell. 

So she promises me she will pay my rent. Yeah….that was a joke. But now that we have to move out she goes out all night and meets “clients”  while I watch her son. She drives my car without a licence. I tell her no and she always manipulates me or guilt Trips me in to getting her way. 

I know I put my self in this situation. I know I’m at fault. I love her and her son. Now it’s crunch time because we have 2 days to be out of this apartment. She thinks my car is hers. I planned on turning it in with my bankruptcy but she says a client will take over the loan and give the car to her.  I’m seriously afraid I’m going to have to report that car stolen because she won’t give back to me cuz she has no where to go.

I’m so overwhelmed, I can’t see straight. The fact that I’m going to Washington for 6 months away from my son is stressful and emotionally straining as it is. 

I just want to scream

Parenting While Being Ill

Being a single parent struggling with mental illness and Ankylosing Spondylitis has been a challenge.  I try really hard to hide my mental and physical illness from my 6 year old son.  I know I need to sit down and be honest with him about it but I just don’t know how to go about doing it.  He knows mommy goes to the doctor a lot and knows mommy can’t do things sometimes because I’ll be in too much pain.  Sometimes I feel like I’m barely making it.  I’m barely getting him ready for school, I’m barely getting him ready for bed.  Everything is so hard.  His room is like a bomb went off and I’m too exhausted to clean it.  He always wants to hang on me and it hurts, I need to tell him to go play on his own.  I try to get him out of the house as much as possible because I want to keep him distracted so he doesn’t noticed how sick I am but it exhausts me.

My Mother traumatized me with her mental illness as a child because she never got help, I refuse to do that to my child.  Hence why I have gone to the extreme of under going ECT.

Can’t Sleep

Well I can’t sleep.  It’s getting close to August 31st.  Which is the anniversary of my best friends death.  Usually I take a drive up to Julian but I can’t drive because of my ECT treatments.  My boyfriend has not been very nice to me lately but hes trying to make up for it.  He doesn’t like it when I’m on the computer.  Its my hobby though, I do my art work on it.  He also doesn’t like that I am spending time with other people that I haven’t spent time with in years.   I don’t like being told what to do or who I can or can’t hang out with.  This will only push me away.

Getting My Life Back

Well I have ECT tomorrow.  It will be my 10th treatment. I have 10 more to go.  Originally I thought it was 12 treatments but it looks like its going to be 20.  I have been kinda of stressed out lately.  I haven’t wanted to be touched.  I have a lot on my mind.  I’m  really worried what they are saying about me at work.  I know I shouldn’t care what other people think but I can’t help it.  I’m getting electric shock for peat sake.  I really don’t want to be depressed though.  I am desperate. Depression destroyed my life and I am willing to do any thing to make it go away.  I lost my marriage, my friends, my family, my house, and now I may lose my job.  I’ll sit in that mental hospital and get electrocuted any day if meant getting any of those things back.

Doing The Best I Can

Well I have ECT this morning.  I hope it makes me feel better.  I’m going to stop talking to my ex for a while.  The ball is in court now.  I’m going to leave him alone.  Besides I think I’m searching for some sort of approval from him that I’m not going to get.  I need to focus on me right now and not what he thinks or what his wife thinks.  The fact is I’m doing the best I can right now by getting help at the mental hospital.

Everything is Okay

I’m going to be okay.  Everything  is fine.  I just need to keep telling myself that.   I’ve read that ECT can erase parts of peoples long term memories.  Sometimes I wish it would do that to me so I wouldn’t have this pain anymore.

Friday

Well I had my ECT “Electro-convulsive Therapy”  today and it went very well.  No side effects this time.  The doctors did say I almost threw up shortly after the procedure but I don’t remember.  They gave me some anti-nausea medicine and it went away I guess.  I feel really good.  I’ve just been working on my art work in photoshop to keep my mind busy.

I still haven’t really talked to my ex husband since I was in the hospital.  He doesn’t even know I’m home from being in patient.  His parents are watching our son this weekend which is good because I need to recover.  I miss my son though.  I figure I don’t need to tell my ex because he doesn’t care in the first place.  Oh how I wish I never had to see my ex again. He has caused me so much pain.

Don’t Want to Deal With Tomorrow :(

I don’t want to go to ECT treatment tomorrow morning :(.   I want to get better but it really sucks.  Having doctors force you to have seizure is not fun and I have to do it 9 more times.I  have enough problems.  I kind of want to go in a corner and cry.  I’m not the crying type either.