Taken Over By Anxiety

So I had a good and bad day today.  I finally got a call for the job I interviewed for.  They said I got the job.  I just need to pass their background check and drug test, which I’m not worried about.  I just hope they don’t run my credit.  I’m excited that I am finally getting back into society but at the same time I’m terrified.  It’s been over a year since I last worked.  So that was the good news today.

The bad news today is that I had issues with my depression and it happened really quickly.  So every day I take care of all the chores around the house.  I try to make sure everything is perfect before my brother gets home from work.  I feel it’s my place to take care of everything around the house because he is providing a roof over my head and I am not working yet.  Lately my Brother has been really stressed out about money and he’s been working a lot.  He’s been very angry when he gets home from work almost every day for the last two weeks.  Some days I feel like I can’t even say a word to him or else he will snap.  I told him I got a job and I hoped that this would lighten his mood but it did not.

He pointed out that I shouldn’t have thrown the paper towel away that was on top of the microwave where he sets his dentures when he takes them out.  He was kind of an ass about it.  So after his lecture, my feeling of excitement and hopefulness about my new job just disappeared in a matter of minutes and I had an urge to want to hurt myself.  I went out side and tried to fight the urge to cut myself.  I haven’t had that feeling in a long time.  After about 20 minutes it subsided.

I think maybe because my anxiety was elevated from hearing about my new job and then having my angry Brother come home and being in fear that I didn’t do everything up to his expectation just pushed me to that dark place.

I need to move out of this house.  I want to help my Brother financially but I don’t think its good for me mentally to stay here.  I know I will probably be here for another 6 months to a year.  I just can’t live like this.  Its like I’m walking on egg shells all the time. He hates life so much and he doesn’t realize all the good things around him.

Any way’s that was my day. A mental roller coaster.

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Loneliness

I think I’m lonely.  I live with my Brother and niece but I still find myself some what alone.  I haven’t worked in over a year so I lack that social contact.  I am currently looking for work so I hope that changes.  I just feel I need someone to talk to.  I talk to my Brother but he’s so self centered that any conversation we have, he turns into about himself.  I don’t blame him, its just the way he is.  I can’t really talk to my niece, she’s 16 and on another planet which is to be expected for a teenager.

It doesn’t help that I don’t have my son to distract me.  I miss him so much and can’t wait to see him again.  I know this loneliness will pass.  It’s just hard right now.

All That Could Have Been

“And All That Could Have Been”

Breeze still carries the sound
Maybe I’ll disappear
Tracks will fade in the snow
You won’t find me here

Ice is starting to form
Ending what had begun
I am locked in my head
With what I’ve done
I know you tried to rescue me
Didn’t let anyone get in
Left with a trace of all that was
And all that could have been

Please
Take this
And run far away
Far away from me
I am
Tainted
The two of us
Were never meant to be
All these
Pieces
And promises and left behinds
If only I could see
In my
Nothing
You meant everything
Everything to me
Gone fading everything
And all that could have been

Gone.. fading..
Everything..
And..
All that..
Ccould have been..

Please
Take this
And run far away
Far as you can see
I am
Tainted
And happiness and peace of mind
Were never meant for me
All these
Pieces
And promises and left behinds
If only I could see
In my
Nothing
You meant everything
Everything to me

 

Nine Inch Nailshttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwc-amI7AmE

To Be Loved

So I had a day to myself today.  I got all my house work done and I had some time to myself.  I went in my room and sat on my bed and I looked through my old pictures.  I know I shouldn’t reminisce about the past but I just can’t help it sometimes.  Since I have moved to Washington and gotten off all the meds I feel like a different person.  I looked back at my pictures and how things were before I became so consumed with addiction and mental illness.  I know things weren’t as happy as I looked in those pictures.  Slowly but surely addiction and mental illness were taking over my life till it completely did.

I think about how things went so wrong with my marriage.  I practically grew up with my husband from childhood and his parents were my parents.  So much I regret.  So many things I wish I had done differently.  Instead I just let doctors pack on more pills for my depression and the more I drank because I just wanted to feel nothing.  Now my ex husband can barely talk to me.  He despises me so much for wasting his life.  I still love him though and always will.  I know that he hates the fact that we share a child together and knows he can never truly get rid of me.  The sad part about it is my child sees it too.

I do wonder now that I’m in a new place and starting over if ill ever meet someone.  Will anyone be willing to accept me for who I am and all that I have been through. Can anyone love me after knowing I have been in a mental hospital and received 65 shock treatments to my brain?  I don’t want to spend the rest of my life not ever being touched or loved by someone.  I know my beauty has faded over the years but I’m not entirely ugly yet.  I hope I have a chance to be with someone who makes me happy.  I don’t want this to be the end.

The Paranormal or Insanity?

I have decided to write about something a little different.

I have always been fascinated with the paranormal since I was a child.  In fact the spirit realm may be one of the few things I do believe in.  I thought I would reveal my experiences.

  1. When I was about 3 or 4 I started hearing voices in my pillow when I went to bed.  Usually it would start as a whisper and it would be 2 voices talking to each other. Most of the time it was a man and a woman. It was odd because I would lift my head up off the pillow and it would stop.  Most of the time these two voices would be fighting over something and I knew it wasn’t my parents because the voices didn’t sound like them.  One night it got so bad and violent that it didn’t stop when I lifted my head off the pillow. I was like two people fighting in my room.  After that my parents moved me into a different bedroom.  They told me it was probably just the neighbors fighting next door but I really don’t believe that.  So when I moved into the other bedroom, the fighting voices stopped but a new voice started talking in my pillow.  It was a woman and she would say my name and that was it and this happened almost every night.  It didn’t scare me, it felt normal.  Once I moved out of that house, the voices stopped altogether.

2. When I was about 4 or 5 living in the same house that I heard the voices in my pillow. I had an experience that I will never forget.  Sometimes at night after my parents went to bed I would get up and sneak into the kitchen to go through the cupboards and draws to play with all the kitchen stuff.  I’m not sure why but it entertained me.  So it was dark except for the hall light was on and I could see everything but everything did cast a shadow.  So I’m facing the wall and playing on the kitchen floor and all of a sudden I see something moving.  I look up at the wall and there is a huge dark shadow of a man standing behind me.  At first I thought it was my father and I looked behind me and there was nothing there and I looked back at the wall and the shadow was gone.  So I ran to my room terrified.  I told my sisters about it the next day and they told me that my Father was probably playing a trick on me.  I still don’t think that’s true though.

3.  When I was about 5 or 6 I had this odd experience that I’m not sure to this day if it was real or a dream.  So I wanted to sleep on the couch bed in the patio room.  I didn’t want to sleep out there alone so my mom slept next to me on the bed.  That night I woke up heard noises coming from the corner of the room where the fireplace was.  I looked over toward the fireplace and I saw movement.  At first I thought it was a rat or some kind of rodent but these creatures were walking on two legs and had arms and pointy ears and their eyes were reflective.  I would say there were about 5 of them just climbing up and down this fireplace.  I was terrified and I was trying to wake up my Mom and she just wouldn’t wake up.  I shook her and yelled at her and she just wouldn’t wake up.  Then finally she woke up and these creatures just disappeared. She told me I was just having a bad dream and to go back to bed.  I never slept out there again.  Maybe I was dreaming but if I was it was the most vivid dream I have ever had.

4.  When I was about 16 years old, my Aunt past away.  About 6 months after her passing I had an odd experience.  I had this music box that she had given me and I kept it on top of my dresser.  I hadn’t turned it on in years.  Then one night around 2 or 3 in the morning I woke up and it was playing.  I laid in bed for a few seconds and sat up it just stopped.  I wasn’t really that scared for some reason.  It never happened again.

5. When I was 19 I moved in with my boyfriends family.  They lived in a small mountain town called Julian.  They had two trailers on the property and my boyfriend and I lived in separate trailers because his family was really Christian and they didn’t feel it would be right to be living under the same roof because we weren’t married.  We still snuck into each others trailers when they weren’t watching though.  Any ways my boy friend and I would go meet other friends in the woods at night to go smoke cigarettes because we couldn’t smoke around his parents.  Those woods were strange.  You always felt like you were being watched.  In the mornings I had to get up at 3 am to go to work and I had to walk to the main house from the trailer to take a shower.  Every time I stepped out of that trailer and walked to that house I felt like I was being chased by something I couldn’t see.  I never saw anything in those woods but I found out later that my boyfriends Mother’s sister saw a cloaked figure with no face on the property.

6.  When I was in my 20’s my husband and I were living in an apartment.  I always felt uncomfortable in that apartment.  If my husband wasn’t home I would sleep with the light on.  Nothing had happened but I just felt uncomfortable.  One night my husband was in bed with me and the lights were off but there was light shining from the window from the street lights.  I was sleeping on my stomach and my head was faced towards the window.  I noticed the vertical blinds were swaying back and forth and this confused me because the windows were closed.  So I thought maybe it was the cat.  So sat up to look at the floor near the blinds and see this small black ball of light kind of moving in and out the bottom of the blinds.  It almost looked like a sea urchin but translucent.  It was almost like this thing realized I was looking at it and it got scared and disappeared.  Nothing else happened in that apartment.

I have had no more major paranormal events happen in my life since my 20’s.  I have had feeling in some places I have been but nothing significant has happened.  I guess that’s a good thing.  Some times I miss it though.  I miss experiencing the possibility that there is more to life after death.  I miss having faith in something.

Or maybe I’m just insane

 

 

Dennis

So today is the Anniversary of my best friends death.  It has been 9 years since his passing.  He died from complications of AIDS.  He ended up getting fungal pneumonia and because he wasn’t treating his HIV, his immune system wasn’t strong enough to fight the infection.  He was 25 years old.

I have to say watching him get sick and passing away was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through.  He was in the hospital hooked up to everything you could think of for a little over a month because he couldn’t breath on his own.

I regret that I hadn’t spent as much time with him before he got sick.

I miss him

 

Right Where it Belongs

See the animal in his cage that you built
Are you sure what side you’re on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it’s all right where it belongs

What if everything around you
Isn’t quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world’s inside of your head?
Just creations of your own
Your devils and your gods all the living and the dead
And you really oughta know
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can’t find the ones
Are you hiding in the trees?

What if everything around you
Isn’t quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself, find yourself afraid to see?