The Little Things

I’m so lonely, I know I have said that before but I’m saying it again.  I’m used to being in a relationship and having some friends.  I miss having someone to talk to when I get home from work. Most of all I miss having my son with me and having a routine.  It’s funny how the little things can mean so much.  Just getting my son ready for bed and reading him a bed time story or watching Spongebob on the TV, those are the things I miss.

So here I am, alone and unhappy.  I know I didn’t have the greatest of friends but I loved them just the same.  Most don’t even talk to me or acknowledge that I exist since the divorce and me falling apart.  They just judged me and moved on. I know I made terrible mistakes and ruined my life in the process but it would have been nice if they had stood by me anyway and realized that people can change.

 

 

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Breaking Down

Well the break from my Brother was nice but short.  I did whatever chores needed to be done, made sure the house was perfect before he got home and decided to lock myself in my room.  After he got home, my sister stopped by and banged on my door and it scared me because I thought it was Brother and that I had done something wrong.  She came in and said hi and gave me a hug and I just started crying.  I told her I was PMSing and that I was just emotional.   I think she knows now that I need to get out of this house.

Angry House

So its been a while.  I finally get a break from my Brother today.  It’s been hard working a lot and then coming home and being on edge all the time, afraid that I’m going to do something wrong, or feeling like I’m not doing enough.  I even cleaned the whole house yesterday and I’ve been doing pretty good at keeping my cat quiet in my room by feeding her lots of wet food.  Now that I am working I have been paying a third of all the bills and buying groceries.  I even make sure he always has weed to keep his temper at bay.

This morning he had a horrible temper tantrum about the shower curtain in the bathroom.  The hooks always fall off shower curtain rod because they are crap hooks and his daughter is too short to reach up and put them back.  I am guilty of the same thing because me and his daughter are the same height.  Any ways he just blew up like he was going to kill someone over that shower curtain.  I told him would buy better hooks that don’t fall off but that wasn’t good enough, he still wanted to be angry about it.  I’m sure it’s more than just about the shower curtain but I don’t think he realizes that his angry outbursts are sometimes traumatizing.  I don’t know how his daughter is just numb to it.  She doesn’t even react to it, she’s so used to it.

I need to move out of this house.  It is not healthy for me mentally to be on edge all the time.  I know my Brother wants to help me because he feels guilty for not being there for me growing up but he’s doing more harm than good.  It doesn’t matter what I do, he is always unhappy and angry about something.  I’m putting away money every pay check to move out as soon as possible and I want his daughter to be able to stay with me when she needs to, so I want to get a place by her school.

I have enough on my mind as it is, than to deal with this bullshit.  This is the longest I haven’t seen my son and it’s especially hard not having him for the holidays.  I carry around guilt every day that I don’t see him.   I feel myself going back into a deep depression again and I don’t want to go back to that place.  I’m trying to start over with my life and be a better person.  I hate to say it but living in this house is like being in an abusive relationship. It’s not right.

Hiding Mental Illness at Work

Since the unfortunate events that took place with my Brother in the last couple days, I still had to go to work.  I was mentally a mess but I went to work any way because I refuse to let my mental illness get in the way of my job again.  I looked like hell because I had been crying so much.  My eyes were so puffy and my face was so pale that not even make up could fix it.  My boss suspected something was wrong and I told him that I had a migraine and that I would do my best.  In truth I did have a horrible head ache, almost like a hang over.  It amazes me how the brain can make you physically sick when you are just mentally sick.

So I got through work and even did a good job at it.  I even thought about sitting in my car some where after work for a while because I didn’t want to go home in fear that my Brother would yell at me again but then I realized I would probably get yelled at for not being home in time for dinner.  So I went home and luckily my Brother went to urgent care about his illness and found out he had pneumonia and is now taking antibiotics and is doing a little better.

I felt pretty proud of myself that I got through work despite my condition.  I try and hide my mental illness the best I can at work but I know I’m different than most people there.  Everyone is very social and they want to talk to me and I try to converse with people but in the back of my head I’m thinking I just want to escape and get back to focusing on my job.  I’m scared that someone is going to read right through me and know something is wrong.  I know co workers are curious about why I left such a good career working for the government for 14 years where I made more money an hour than most of their top supervisors.  Now I’m making a little over minimum wage.  I just try to avoid people as much as possible to avoid questions.

If I told the truth and people at work found out that I was in a mental hospital and received shock treatments for 8 months, they would probably think I’m crazy and shouldn’t be there.  So I’m going to try my best not to get close to anyone at work, as much as I want to make new friends because I am so lonely.  Having a mental illness is very hard and trying to be a part of society again is even harder.

Failed at Life

Well the last few days has been hard but I think I’m getting through it.  I know its always hard living with someone and getting used to their tendencies.  Its hard because this is first time I have had to live with someone because I had no where to go.  In the past I was always the one to take people in to try and give them a new start at life.  I am grateful to my Brother and what he is trying to do for me but at the same time I think me being here is doing more harm than good.

My Brother is very angry person most of the time.  The last couple weeks has been really rough on him mentally because he has been sick and not sleeping.  He finally went to the doctor and they told him that he has pneumonia.  He of course is still working through it, which I don’t think is smart but that’s just who he is.

Well I guess I got on his last nerve because of how I do things.  He flipped out on me because I was using one of our bowls to feed my cat wet food.  I guess he can’t eat off something that has been contaminated by cat saliva even after it has been washed.  Then he told me I fold the towels wrong when I do laundry and that I don’t put the dishes in the dish rack properly.  He was also angry because I haven’t done the dishes every day after I started working.  Before I started working I did the dishes every day along with most of the other chores.  I admit that I haven’t been as tentative about the chores the last couple weeks because I am worn out after I get home from work.  My body is just not used to the physical labor involved in my job.  I haven’t worked in almost 2 years and its just hard.  Its funny that he doesn’t see that I am contributing to the house hold.  All he see’s is what things I have done wrong in his mind.

So my Brother blew up on me twice in less than 24 hours.  My brain exploded.  I think because I am tired and in pain from working and I am not getting much sleep at night because of my arm going numb and burning every night. I think with everything combined caused me to have a mental break down.  I couldn’t stop crying and I wanted to cut myself because I felt like I couldn’t do anything right.  I think it’s more deep rooted than just petty house hold chores.  I feel like I have failed in every way.  I failed my son, I failed my career, I failed my marriage, I failed everything and I am trying so hard to make things right again.  I think it’s time I talk to someone.

 

Tough Spot

I’m tired, I hurt, and I think I’m slightly depressed today.  I finished my second week of my new job today.  Thought I would be paid today but I guess not.  I’m working my ass off for little pay.  I told myself to not let that get to me because I’m starting over and I need to start at the bottom.  

I keep thinking if I had gotten better in San Diego, I would still have my career and my son.  I guess it didn’t work out that way. 

I think I’m in a tough spot right now.  Im in pain from working and I’m not getting much sleep because my arm keeps going numb and burning all the way down to my wrist no matter what position I’m in.  I can’t go to the doctor yet because my insurance hasn’t started.  My Brother has been an ultimate negative ass.  I just want to hide in my room.

I’m hoping once I get paid everything will be better. Its sad but true.

Pain

Well I have been at my new job for almost two weeks now.  Its very active work and it has been taking a toll on my body.  I’m not sure if its because I’m so out of shape or if its my body starting to have flare ups again from my AS. My legs and feet are in just so much pain when I get home. I’ve been taking Aleve twice a day and have been sleeping with a heat blanket to help with the pain.  Its like the pain is in my bones and not my muscles.  Its not pleasant but I need to just fight through it.  I refuse to go to the doctor to go back on medication and steroids for the pain.  

I hope I just get used to the pain over time.

New Job

So I started my new job.  Its hard work and I’m making half of what I used to make at my last job but what matters is that I’m making something.  I’m catching on okay but I am still having a little trouble with my short term memory.  I’m assuming its just the effects of the shock treatments still. I get along with everyone okay so far which is good but I can tell that people are curious as to why I am working at a car dealership when I had a successful career working for the Government.  I just hope no one asks me too much about my past.  

I thought a lot about my past today.  It made me wish that I had someone to talk to about it.  I think I just need someone to talk to in general.  I hope to start seeing a therapist as soon as I get paid.  I think that will help me.

I’m so lonely 

A Letter To My Son

To my beloved son,

I know there are no words I can say that will change all I have done.  I just want to say how sorry I am that I wasn’t there for you when I should have been.  I let my pain and illness take over me to a point that I couldn’t be a mother to you.  I regret having to move far away to try and get better.  I hope one day that you can forgive me.  Just know that I never stopped loving you.  Now that I am recovering I am going to do everything in my power to be a good Mother to you.  I hope you and your Father move up here soon so we can be together once again, as it should be.

Love always,

Mommy