Well I’m having a little bit of trouble. I really miss my son. I even put on cartoons everyday to make me feel like he’s here. I will see him in July but it seems so far away. I knew this was going to be hard. I’m sad I wont be with him on Mother’s day too.
Well I took all my medications and put them in a bag and my brother took a brick and crushed them all and buried the remnants in the ground. It was satisfying to watch. I’m on one medication now and I stopped it today. So as of today I’m medication free. I’m so done with doctors over medicating me. I’m ready to me again and I’m taking natural remedies for my depression when needed. I can’t believe I was on 14 medications. How the hell did I function?…..oh right I barely was functioning.
Things are going pretty well here in Washington. I miss my son very much but ill be seeing him soon. I’ll also see my cat soon. I miss them both. It will be nice spending the summer with my son. I know I’m not being a full time mom like I should be but hopefully his Father will move up here and then I can be more there for my son.
My next goal is to lose all this weight. I gained so much from all those medications. I weigh as much as I did when I was 9 months pregnant. It’s tough carrying all this weight around. I’ll be fasting soon to help cleanse my system.
Me now. I have aged a lot.
Here I am in this new place, scared and full of hope that my life will change for the better. I have stopped most of my medications and now I’m down to 4. To think I was on 14 medications at age 34 is scary to think about. I thought all these doctors were helping me and now I think it was all about money. I am feeling better with some withdrawal symptoms. I drew my first picture yesterday in almost a year. To think before I got so wrapped up in the medical system, I was drawing once a day. I was afraid my artistic talent would be gone from all the shock treatments in the last year. So much of my memory is gone and a blur.
I have been talking to my son every day on the phone. It’s hard being so far away from him. I feel like a horrible mother for leaving but I didn’t have a choice. I wasn’t being a good mother when I was there. How do you explain depression to a child? I was at a point that I couldn’t hide it anymore and I lost everything on top of it all. He’s going to spend the summer with me and I look forward to that.
I finished my resume and I have been looking for jobs. I’m well qualified, it’s just depended on my mental illness. Will I be able to handle working again? but if I’m going survive and change my life for the better, I don’t have a choice.