The Pain of Divorce

I was thinking about my ex- in laws today.  I haven’t thought about them in a long time.  They were practically my second parents growing up.  I haven’t talked to them in over a year now.  I think one of the most painful things going through the divorce was losing them.  I cared so much about what they thought of me.  I sometimes wonder if they ever think about me.  I’m pretty sure I’m a fuck up in their eyes.  There are some things that they told me that I wish I had listened to.

There is so much that happened during the divorce that is a blur.  Ever since I had shock treatments on my brain, the whole event is like a dream that I’m trying to remember but I can only get bits and pieces.   I know when I found out my ex husband had remarried barely a year after we divorced, just devastated me.  I think everything went down hill for me after that.  I also remember that my ex husband refused to be friends with me, even though we share a child really hurt me too.

I think with all the pain of the divorce and the fact that I hated my job didn’t help.  My ex husband and is family worked on the same naval base as I did at one time.  So I had to come to work every day and be reminded of them, it was just too much.

I of course turned to alcohol almost every day to ease my suffering but what I didn’t realize is that it was just making me worse.  So I then started going to the doctor a lot, hoping that they could fix my pain.  It just seemed like I was getting put on a new medication every couple months. Till eventually I was on 16 medications at the same time.  I could barely function and just started not going to work anymore.  I still can’t believe I was still driving at this point.  No one should be driving while on that many medications.  So doctors didn’t know what else to do with me except start giving me shock treatments to my brain 2 to 3 times a week for 8 months.  Honestly I liked it.  I liked being put under and losing my memory after.  It was nice not having to remember the past.  I think that’s why I kept doing it for as long as I did.  But it was short lived.

I just came to a point that I couldn’t function at all anymore and I just lost everything and ended up here in Washington with my Brother.  What I regret the most is that I couldn’t be a parent to my son.  It’s hurts so much that he is living in another state from me and I can barely see him.  I know he is being well taken care of by his father and step mother but it’s still hard.  That is my baby.

Now that I have been off all the medications for about 5 months now.  I feel so much better and clear headed.  I’m starting over and I have a new job that I’m starting soon and everything is going to be okay I hope.  I still have a lot I need to take of financially to get back on track, which it will take time but at least ill be doing something about it.

I’m not going to say divorce ruined my life but it didn’t help.

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To Be Loved

So I had a day to myself today.  I got all my house work done and I had some time to myself.  I went in my room and sat on my bed and I looked through my old pictures.  I know I shouldn’t reminisce about the past but I just can’t help it sometimes.  Since I have moved to Washington and gotten off all the meds I feel like a different person.  I looked back at my pictures and how things were before I became so consumed with addiction and mental illness.  I know things weren’t as happy as I looked in those pictures.  Slowly but surely addiction and mental illness were taking over my life till it completely did.

I think about how things went so wrong with my marriage.  I practically grew up with my husband from childhood and his parents were my parents.  So much I regret.  So many things I wish I had done differently.  Instead I just let doctors pack on more pills for my depression and the more I drank because I just wanted to feel nothing.  Now my ex husband can barely talk to me.  He despises me so much for wasting his life.  I still love him though and always will.  I know that he hates the fact that we share a child together and knows he can never truly get rid of me.  The sad part about it is my child sees it too.

I do wonder now that I’m in a new place and starting over if ill ever meet someone.  Will anyone be willing to accept me for who I am and all that I have been through. Can anyone love me after knowing I have been in a mental hospital and received 65 shock treatments to my brain?  I don’t want to spend the rest of my life not ever being touched or loved by someone.  I know my beauty has faded over the years but I’m not entirely ugly yet.  I hope I have a chance to be with someone who makes me happy.  I don’t want this to be the end.

Getting My Life Back

Well I have ECT tomorrow.  It will be my 10th treatment. I have 10 more to go.  Originally I thought it was 12 treatments but it looks like its going to be 20.  I have been kinda of stressed out lately.  I haven’t wanted to be touched.  I have a lot on my mind.  I’m  really worried what they are saying about me at work.  I know I shouldn’t care what other people think but I can’t help it.  I’m getting electric shock for peat sake.  I really don’t want to be depressed though.  I am desperate. Depression destroyed my life and I am willing to do any thing to make it go away.  I lost my marriage, my friends, my family, my house, and now I may lose my job.  I’ll sit in that mental hospital and get electrocuted any day if meant getting any of those things back.