Well the last few days has been hard but I think I’m getting through it. I know its always hard living with someone and getting used to their tendencies. Its hard because this is first time I have had to live with someone because I had no where to go. In the past I was always the one to take people in to try and give them a new start at life. I am grateful to my Brother and what he is trying to do for me but at the same time I think me being here is doing more harm than good.
My Brother is very angry person most of the time. The last couple weeks has been really rough on him mentally because he has been sick and not sleeping. He finally went to the doctor and they told him that he has pneumonia. He of course is still working through it, which I don’t think is smart but that’s just who he is.
Well I guess I got on his last nerve because of how I do things. He flipped out on me because I was using one of our bowls to feed my cat wet food. I guess he can’t eat off something that has been contaminated by cat saliva even after it has been washed. Then he told me I fold the towels wrong when I do laundry and that I don’t put the dishes in the dish rack properly. He was also angry because I haven’t done the dishes every day after I started working. Before I started working I did the dishes every day along with most of the other chores. I admit that I haven’t been as tentative about the chores the last couple weeks because I am worn out after I get home from work. My body is just not used to the physical labor involved in my job. I haven’t worked in almost 2 years and its just hard. Its funny that he doesn’t see that I am contributing to the house hold. All he see’s is what things I have done wrong in his mind.
So my Brother blew up on me twice in less than 24 hours. My brain exploded. I think because I am tired and in pain from working and I am not getting much sleep at night because of my arm going numb and burning every night. I think with everything combined caused me to have a mental break down. I couldn’t stop crying and I wanted to cut myself because I felt like I couldn’t do anything right. I think it’s more deep rooted than just petty house hold chores. I feel like I have failed in every way. I failed my son, I failed my career, I failed my marriage, I failed everything and I am trying so hard to make things right again. I think it’s time I talk to someone.
I was thinking about my ex- in laws today. I haven’t thought about them in a long time. They were practically my second parents growing up. I haven’t talked to them in over a year now. I think one of the most painful things going through the divorce was losing them. I cared so much about what they thought of me. I sometimes wonder if they ever think about me. I’m pretty sure I’m a fuck up in their eyes. There are some things that they told me that I wish I had listened to.
There is so much that happened during the divorce that is a blur. Ever since I had shock treatments on my brain, the whole event is like a dream that I’m trying to remember but I can only get bits and pieces. I know when I found out my ex husband had remarried barely a year after we divorced, just devastated me. I think everything went down hill for me after that. I also remember that my ex husband refused to be friends with me, even though we share a child really hurt me too.
I think with all the pain of the divorce and the fact that I hated my job didn’t help. My ex husband and is family worked on the same naval base as I did at one time. So I had to come to work every day and be reminded of them, it was just too much.
I of course turned to alcohol almost every day to ease my suffering but what I didn’t realize is that it was just making me worse. So I then started going to the doctor a lot, hoping that they could fix my pain. It just seemed like I was getting put on a new medication every couple months. Till eventually I was on 16 medications at the same time. I could barely function and just started not going to work anymore. I still can’t believe I was still driving at this point. No one should be driving while on that many medications. So doctors didn’t know what else to do with me except start giving me shock treatments to my brain 2 to 3 times a week for 8 months. Honestly I liked it. I liked being put under and losing my memory after. It was nice not having to remember the past. I think that’s why I kept doing it for as long as I did. But it was short lived.
I just came to a point that I couldn’t function at all anymore and I just lost everything and ended up here in Washington with my Brother. What I regret the most is that I couldn’t be a parent to my son. It’s hurts so much that he is living in another state from me and I can barely see him. I know he is being well taken care of by his father and step mother but it’s still hard. That is my baby.
Now that I have been off all the medications for about 5 months now. I feel so much better and clear headed. I’m starting over and I have a new job that I’m starting soon and everything is going to be okay I hope. I still have a lot I need to take of financially to get back on track, which it will take time but at least ill be doing something about it.
I’m not going to say divorce ruined my life but it didn’t help.
Well I have ECT tomorrow. It will be my 10th treatment. I have 10 more to go. Originally I thought it was 12 treatments but it looks like its going to be 20. I have been kinda of stressed out lately. I haven’t wanted to be touched. I have a lot on my mind. I’m really worried what they are saying about me at work. I know I shouldn’t care what other people think but I can’t help it. I’m getting electric shock for peat sake. I really don’t want to be depressed though. I am desperate. Depression destroyed my life and I am willing to do any thing to make it go away. I lost my marriage, my friends, my family, my house, and now I may lose my job. I’ll sit in that mental hospital and get electrocuted any day if meant getting any of those things back.
Well I’m pretty excited. My boyfriend and I are going to have a hand fasting on Jan 15th. It will mark our 2 year anniversary. My son will be the ring bearer. I can’t wait to pick out a dress and decor and stuff. I just need to figure out where we are going to do this. I picked out my ring already and it’s awesome.