I Can Do Better

Well I have a lot on my mind lately.  I am confused about my life and who I am.  My life is such a blur after having all my shock treatments.  I am lonely and bewildered by all the mistakes I have made.  I am trying to change my life around but it is hard.  Starting over isn’t as easy as it sounds.  I feel so lonely and isolated.  I have no one to relate to, which makes things feel very hopeless.  I tried to reach out for help by going to counseling but my insurance doesn’t cover it.  I was proud that I got myself a new job but now I feel like I can do better.  I worked for the government for 13 years and worked very hard to get as high up as I did and to start a new job making minimum wage is starting to get to me.  I want to be able to survive on my own and have my son back.  I did start putting in for Government jobs again but no luck yet.  I don’t even know if they will take me back knowing that I have a mental illness.  I just can’t picture myself working at a car dealership for the rest of my life.

I have lost most of my friends from everything I have done.  I always thought I was a good person but I’m not.  I want to be a good person and make things right but all the people I lost wont talk to me anymore.  My ex husband can’t stand me, I think he wishes I was dead.  I don’t even try to talk to him anymore except about our son and even that’s like pulling teeth.  It’s sad because we have known each other since we were kids.  I just wish I lived my life differently, I lost so much and ill never get it back.  I put partial blame on doctors for destroying my life but I accept responsibility for my actions.


It’s Not Right

So I worked things out with the IRS.  They gave me my money back and I only have to pay 200 a month to pay off my $1000 debt.  I do feel better that I got that resolved.  I was so scared that they were going to garnish my whole pay checks.  It’s nice to know I will get this taken care of and still survive in the process.

On a different subject…..I’m in a difficult situation with my good friend Becky.  Recently my drug addict friend Kasey that I grew up with slept with Becky’s husband and almost destroyed their marriage.  Now Kasey is homeless again, using drugs, and cutting herself.  Today Kasey’s Mother asked me about her and I told her that I don’t want to get involved.  I guess Kasey’s mom asked Becky about her too and Becky lied to her and told her that she’s doing fine and looking to get studio apartment, which is bullshit.

Kasey is living in her car with 3 dogs, a cat and a 5 year old child.  I don’t agree with this.   I think her son would be better off in foster care than living this way but Becky doesn’t agree.  She believes that a child should always stay with their mother.

Well in a way this made me feel like shit, because I don’t have my son right now.  I left my son with his father because I needed to get better and I didn’t want him to see me suffer with mental illness.  I grew up with a mentally ill mother and it was fucked up.  I just didn’t want to put my son through that.

So I think I may stop talking to Becky too, which saddens me but I need to let go of the past and move on.

Dead to Me

So today I want to write about my friend Kasey.  I have known her since she was one years old.  We were best friends growing up.  She was like a sister to me.  I used to always consider her the twin sister I never had because my twin died in the womb.  We did everything together.  She was smart and loved writing but all that changed.  She worked normal jobs out of high school and then discovered stripping.  Soon after stripping she discovered drugs and all kinds of men.  It started with xanax and then later she moved on to meth.

She ended up getting pregnant and I took her in for a while but eventually she ended up abandoning her daughter with her Mother.  She then went back to stripping and got pregnant again and was living on the streets and I took her in again and helped her through her pregnancy.  Once she had her son, my husband couldn’t take it anymore and we made her move in with the Father of her child.  That didn’t last long and she ended up stripping again and then escorting.  Then she basically ended up couch hopping with her son where ever they could stay.  She started doing drugs again but not meth this time.  She started snorting and smoking Aderal and whatever pharmaceuticals she could get her hands on.

A couple years went by and I didn’t really hear from her and when I did she wanted money.  Then 6 months ago before I came here to Washington, I took her in again.  She had been living in her car with her 5 year old son, 3 dogs and her cat.  I thought maybe if I helped her again that she would get back track and I was in a lonely spot and I think a part of me missed the old Kasey that I grew up with.

Well that was one of the worst mistakes I ever made.  She just ended up using me till I had no more strength left to give.  I unfortunately don’t remember too much of all that happened because I was getting shock treatments at the time and I was heavily medicated.  All I know is that she really fucked me and made my life a whole lot worse.  What’s the saddest part about all of this is that she makes her son live this life of instability.  Her son is also Autistic and needs structure.

Well since I have been living in Washington, she has been doing her usual thing, couch hopping or living in her car.  Recently I found out that she had been staying at my friend Becky’s place.  Becky is another friend that we both grew up with.  I guess she has been at Becky’s for about 3 months now and has created nothing but chaos.  Becky and her husband have 3 children.  Kasey being her selfish self decided to start sleeping with Becky’s husband and has been giving him drugs and all the while Becky is watching her son with other 3 children while her husband and Kasey go out and party.  This I thought was even low for Kasey because she usually wouldn’t betray a close friend in that way.  I also heard from Becky that she has started cutting herself which is not like her.

Becky hasn’t kicked her out yet despite the pain the betrayal she is going through because she loves Kasey and doesn’t want her and her son to live on the streets.  My heart aches for Becky because I know the pain Kasey causes and I blame the drugs.  As far as I’m concerned Kasey is dead.  Drugs have basically consumed her soul and she is just an empty shell that feeds like a parasite to get what she wants.

So I’m done. Kasey is dead.



Failed at Life

Well the last few days has been hard but I think I’m getting through it.  I know its always hard living with someone and getting used to their tendencies.  Its hard because this is first time I have had to live with someone because I had no where to go.  In the past I was always the one to take people in to try and give them a new start at life.  I am grateful to my Brother and what he is trying to do for me but at the same time I think me being here is doing more harm than good.

My Brother is very angry person most of the time.  The last couple weeks has been really rough on him mentally because he has been sick and not sleeping.  He finally went to the doctor and they told him that he has pneumonia.  He of course is still working through it, which I don’t think is smart but that’s just who he is.

Well I guess I got on his last nerve because of how I do things.  He flipped out on me because I was using one of our bowls to feed my cat wet food.  I guess he can’t eat off something that has been contaminated by cat saliva even after it has been washed.  Then he told me I fold the towels wrong when I do laundry and that I don’t put the dishes in the dish rack properly.  He was also angry because I haven’t done the dishes every day after I started working.  Before I started working I did the dishes every day along with most of the other chores.  I admit that I haven’t been as tentative about the chores the last couple weeks because I am worn out after I get home from work.  My body is just not used to the physical labor involved in my job.  I haven’t worked in almost 2 years and its just hard.  Its funny that he doesn’t see that I am contributing to the house hold.  All he see’s is what things I have done wrong in his mind.

So my Brother blew up on me twice in less than 24 hours.  My brain exploded.  I think because I am tired and in pain from working and I am not getting much sleep at night because of my arm going numb and burning every night. I think with everything combined caused me to have a mental break down.  I couldn’t stop crying and I wanted to cut myself because I felt like I couldn’t do anything right.  I think it’s more deep rooted than just petty house hold chores.  I feel like I have failed in every way.  I failed my son, I failed my career, I failed my marriage, I failed everything and I am trying so hard to make things right again.  I think it’s time I talk to someone.


The Pain of Divorce

I was thinking about my ex- in laws today.  I haven’t thought about them in a long time.  They were practically my second parents growing up.  I haven’t talked to them in over a year now.  I think one of the most painful things going through the divorce was losing them.  I cared so much about what they thought of me.  I sometimes wonder if they ever think about me.  I’m pretty sure I’m a fuck up in their eyes.  There are some things that they told me that I wish I had listened to.

There is so much that happened during the divorce that is a blur.  Ever since I had shock treatments on my brain, the whole event is like a dream that I’m trying to remember but I can only get bits and pieces.   I know when I found out my ex husband had remarried barely a year after we divorced, just devastated me.  I think everything went down hill for me after that.  I also remember that my ex husband refused to be friends with me, even though we share a child really hurt me too.

I think with all the pain of the divorce and the fact that I hated my job didn’t help.  My ex husband and is family worked on the same naval base as I did at one time.  So I had to come to work every day and be reminded of them, it was just too much.

I of course turned to alcohol almost every day to ease my suffering but what I didn’t realize is that it was just making me worse.  So I then started going to the doctor a lot, hoping that they could fix my pain.  It just seemed like I was getting put on a new medication every couple months. Till eventually I was on 16 medications at the same time.  I could barely function and just started not going to work anymore.  I still can’t believe I was still driving at this point.  No one should be driving while on that many medications.  So doctors didn’t know what else to do with me except start giving me shock treatments to my brain 2 to 3 times a week for 8 months.  Honestly I liked it.  I liked being put under and losing my memory after.  It was nice not having to remember the past.  I think that’s why I kept doing it for as long as I did.  But it was short lived.

I just came to a point that I couldn’t function at all anymore and I just lost everything and ended up here in Washington with my Brother.  What I regret the most is that I couldn’t be a parent to my son.  It’s hurts so much that he is living in another state from me and I can barely see him.  I know he is being well taken care of by his father and step mother but it’s still hard.  That is my baby.

Now that I have been off all the medications for about 5 months now.  I feel so much better and clear headed.  I’m starting over and I have a new job that I’m starting soon and everything is going to be okay I hope.  I still have a lot I need to take of financially to get back on track, which it will take time but at least ill be doing something about it.

I’m not going to say divorce ruined my life but it didn’t help.

To Be Loved

So I had a day to myself today.  I got all my house work done and I had some time to myself.  I went in my room and sat on my bed and I looked through my old pictures.  I know I shouldn’t reminisce about the past but I just can’t help it sometimes.  Since I have moved to Washington and gotten off all the meds I feel like a different person.  I looked back at my pictures and how things were before I became so consumed with addiction and mental illness.  I know things weren’t as happy as I looked in those pictures.  Slowly but surely addiction and mental illness were taking over my life till it completely did.

I think about how things went so wrong with my marriage.  I practically grew up with my husband from childhood and his parents were my parents.  So much I regret.  So many things I wish I had done differently.  Instead I just let doctors pack on more pills for my depression and the more I drank because I just wanted to feel nothing.  Now my ex husband can barely talk to me.  He despises me so much for wasting his life.  I still love him though and always will.  I know that he hates the fact that we share a child together and knows he can never truly get rid of me.  The sad part about it is my child sees it too.

I do wonder now that I’m in a new place and starting over if ill ever meet someone.  Will anyone be willing to accept me for who I am and all that I have been through. Can anyone love me after knowing I have been in a mental hospital and received 65 shock treatments to my brain?  I don’t want to spend the rest of my life not ever being touched or loved by someone.  I know my beauty has faded over the years but I’m not entirely ugly yet.  I hope I have a chance to be with someone who makes me happy.  I don’t want this to be the end.

Getting My Life Back

Well I have ECT tomorrow.  It will be my 10th treatment. I have 10 more to go.  Originally I thought it was 12 treatments but it looks like its going to be 20.  I have been kinda of stressed out lately.  I haven’t wanted to be touched.  I have a lot on my mind.  I’m  really worried what they are saying about me at work.  I know I shouldn’t care what other people think but I can’t help it.  I’m getting electric shock for peat sake.  I really don’t want to be depressed though.  I am desperate. Depression destroyed my life and I am willing to do any thing to make it go away.  I lost my marriage, my friends, my family, my house, and now I may lose my job.  I’ll sit in that mental hospital and get electrocuted any day if meant getting any of those things back.