New Job

So I started my new job.  Its hard work and I’m making half of what I used to make at my last job but what matters is that I’m making something.  I’m catching on okay but I am still having a little trouble with my short term memory.  I’m assuming its just the effects of the shock treatments still. I get along with everyone okay so far which is good but I can tell that people are curious as to why I am working at a car dealership when I had a successful career working for the Government.  I just hope no one asks me too much about my past.  

I thought a lot about my past today.  It made me wish that I had someone to talk to about it.  I think I just need someone to talk to in general.  I hope to start seeing a therapist as soon as I get paid.  I think that will help me.

I’m so lonely 

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Some What Damaged

So impressed with all you do
Tried so hard to be like you
Flew too high and burnt the wing
Lost my faith in everything

Lick around divine debris
Taste the wealth of hate in me
Shedding skin, succumb defeat
This machine is obsolete

Made the choice to go away
Drink the fountain of decay
Tear a hole exquisite red
Fuck the rest and stab it dead

Broken, bruised, forgotten sore
Too fucked up to care anymore
Poisoned to my rotten core
Too fucked up to care anymore

Broken, bruised, forgotten sore
Too fucked up to care anymore
Poisoned to my rotten core
Too fucked up to care anymore

In the back off the side far away
Is a place where I hide, where I stay
Tried to say, tried to ask I needed to
All alone by myself, where were you?

How could I ever think it’s funny how?
Everything that swore it wouldn’t change, is different now
Just like you would always say, “We’ll make it through”
Then my head fell apart and where were you?

How could I ever think it’s funny how?
Everything you swore would never change, is different now
Like you said, “You and me make it through”
Didn’t quite fell apart, where the fuck were you?

Try to Forget

You…
You return in the night
Don’t have a person to hold you
And you think about the past time
When you were, when you were still loved

You go to bed alone
Don’t have a person to warm you
And you think about your last love
Then you try to forget

Try to forget
Try to forget
But you can’t forget

You
You will show your tears and hide
And you hope that someone knows
That you are alone and takes you
And takes you in his arms

Your secrets are your thoughts
Write them down and start to cry,
Write them down and start to scream
Because you know you are alone

Rubicon

Praying for myself.
These thoughts I try to hide.
I have faith in me and hope this will survive.
But it’s tearing me apart.
I can’t hear the words by which I guide.
So I must ask again who will carry me.

I will not deny that nothing can defend
from the helplessness that’s cutting deep inside,
and I cannot prevent the thought that nothings real.
Seems I’ve waited years for this day to end.

The strength I need to feel, the pride inside of me,
Are not there behind the face staring back at me.
The anger and the pain of knowing where I am.
I have come so far and I cannot return.

Nothing I can do that I have not done.
No words I can say. No truth left that I can see.
So must I let this end so everything falls apart.
Before I live the life as I have always done.

Tell me what to do so I do nothing wrong.
Something I can hope for. Something real that I can see.
So nothing falls apart. So that it does not end.
I cannot return. I can’t start again.

A Letter To My Son

To my beloved son,

I know there are no words I can say that will change all I have done.  I just want to say how sorry I am that I wasn’t there for you when I should have been.  I let my pain and illness take over me to a point that I couldn’t be a mother to you.  I regret having to move far away to try and get better.  I hope one day that you can forgive me.  Just know that I never stopped loving you.  Now that I am recovering I am going to do everything in my power to be a good Mother to you.  I hope you and your Father move up here soon so we can be together once again, as it should be.

Love always,

Mommy

The Pain of Divorce

I was thinking about my ex- in laws today.  I haven’t thought about them in a long time.  They were practically my second parents growing up.  I haven’t talked to them in over a year now.  I think one of the most painful things going through the divorce was losing them.  I cared so much about what they thought of me.  I sometimes wonder if they ever think about me.  I’m pretty sure I’m a fuck up in their eyes.  There are some things that they told me that I wish I had listened to.

There is so much that happened during the divorce that is a blur.  Ever since I had shock treatments on my brain, the whole event is like a dream that I’m trying to remember but I can only get bits and pieces.   I know when I found out my ex husband had remarried barely a year after we divorced, just devastated me.  I think everything went down hill for me after that.  I also remember that my ex husband refused to be friends with me, even though we share a child really hurt me too.

I think with all the pain of the divorce and the fact that I hated my job didn’t help.  My ex husband and is family worked on the same naval base as I did at one time.  So I had to come to work every day and be reminded of them, it was just too much.

I of course turned to alcohol almost every day to ease my suffering but what I didn’t realize is that it was just making me worse.  So I then started going to the doctor a lot, hoping that they could fix my pain.  It just seemed like I was getting put on a new medication every couple months. Till eventually I was on 16 medications at the same time.  I could barely function and just started not going to work anymore.  I still can’t believe I was still driving at this point.  No one should be driving while on that many medications.  So doctors didn’t know what else to do with me except start giving me shock treatments to my brain 2 to 3 times a week for 8 months.  Honestly I liked it.  I liked being put under and losing my memory after.  It was nice not having to remember the past.  I think that’s why I kept doing it for as long as I did.  But it was short lived.

I just came to a point that I couldn’t function at all anymore and I just lost everything and ended up here in Washington with my Brother.  What I regret the most is that I couldn’t be a parent to my son.  It’s hurts so much that he is living in another state from me and I can barely see him.  I know he is being well taken care of by his father and step mother but it’s still hard.  That is my baby.

Now that I have been off all the medications for about 5 months now.  I feel so much better and clear headed.  I’m starting over and I have a new job that I’m starting soon and everything is going to be okay I hope.  I still have a lot I need to take of financially to get back on track, which it will take time but at least ill be doing something about it.

I’m not going to say divorce ruined my life but it didn’t help.

Hoping for Revelation

It’s interesting how life can suddenly change.  I think about the past and all that could have been.  I’m scared what my future might hold.  I have had so many struggles in my life so far, I don’t know if I can bare anymore pain.  I find myself wondering if it all was meant to happen this way.  I wonder if everything had a purpose to mold me some how to become a stronger person.  I keep hoping for some kind of revelation to the purpose of my misfortune.

Alone

Well after my experience today wanting to hurt myself, I feel very alone.  I can’t go to my Brother and say “oh by the way, you stress me out so much that I want to hurt myself”. I can’t talk to his 16 year old daughter about it.  I don’t want to talk to my friends and family about it because I have made such good progress trying to start my life over. I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

I figure as soon as I get my first pay check from my new job, I’ll look for a therapist.  I’m not going on meds again. I just need to get my own place and not have to be constantly on edge when my Brother is around.

Taken Over By Anxiety

So I had a good and bad day today.  I finally got a call for the job I interviewed for.  They said I got the job.  I just need to pass their background check and drug test, which I’m not worried about.  I just hope they don’t run my credit.  I’m excited that I am finally getting back into society but at the same time I’m terrified.  It’s been over a year since I last worked.  So that was the good news today.

The bad news today is that I had issues with my depression and it happened really quickly.  So every day I take care of all the chores around the house.  I try to make sure everything is perfect before my brother gets home from work.  I feel it’s my place to take care of everything around the house because he is providing a roof over my head and I am not working yet.  Lately my Brother has been really stressed out about money and he’s been working a lot.  He’s been very angry when he gets home from work almost every day for the last two weeks.  Some days I feel like I can’t even say a word to him or else he will snap.  I told him I got a job and I hoped that this would lighten his mood but it did not.

He pointed out that I shouldn’t have thrown the paper towel away that was on top of the microwave where he sets his dentures when he takes them out.  He was kind of an ass about it.  So after his lecture, my feeling of excitement and hopefulness about my new job just disappeared in a matter of minutes and I had an urge to want to hurt myself.  I went out side and tried to fight the urge to cut myself.  I haven’t had that feeling in a long time.  After about 20 minutes it subsided.

I think maybe because my anxiety was elevated from hearing about my new job and then having my angry Brother come home and being in fear that I didn’t do everything up to his expectation just pushed me to that dark place.

I need to move out of this house.  I want to help my Brother financially but I don’t think its good for me mentally to stay here.  I know I will probably be here for another 6 months to a year.  I just can’t live like this.  Its like I’m walking on egg shells all the time. He hates life so much and he doesn’t realize all the good things around him.

Any way’s that was my day. A mental roller coaster.