Ramblings of a Mental Patient

Whispers of the past still linger

Echos of pain and regret

Loneliness is all that remains

A tainted mind that never stops

Days go by with uncertainty

Nightmares have taken over my only solitude

The loss of all that was haunts my every breath

The anticipation of hope of a new life is still beneath the surface

So I just wait

For a glimpse of stability in this tragic existence

 

It’s Been a While

Well its been a while since I have written anything.  Its been 2 months since I have been off all my medications.  I feel better in some aspects but my depression is still there.  I try not to think about everything I’ve lost but it always comes back.  I really fucked myself but I know the main reason is because of my mental illness.  I miss my son more than anything and it’s hard to talk to him on the phone.  I feel so guilty for having to leave.  I am going to see him soon and he’s coming back with me to Washington for a little bit before he starts school.

I know I need to talk to someone but it’s so expensive.  I’m overwhelmed and fearful.  I owe so many people money and I can’t pay anyone back till I get a job.  I’ll be applying for jobs at the end of the month.  I hope I can mentally handle a job again, but really I don’t have a choice.

My memories are coming back.  I think the shock treatments didn’t do as much damage as I thought.  I keep getting head aches though.  Its hard to believe that I went from being in a mental hospital almost every day for 8 months and being on so many medications to no treatment at all.  It’s crazy to think that I had to give up my career of 14 years due to this illness.

Karma is a bitch

Fuck I am so stressed out.  So much paper work , I’m being pulled in so many directions.  With a bankruptcy and a disability claim.  I am making no money at all.  I have little left to survive on for the next couple months.  Plus on top of all of this I have my Electro Shock treatments twice a week.  My brother wants me to move to Washington because its cheaper.  I am tempted but I just don’t know if I could leave my son for that long.  I know his dad and I could work something out but it would be very hard.  I just don’t know.  but I can’t survive here , there is no way .  My brain hurts from thinking so much , I guess this is what I get for all the horrible things I’ve done

Falling Apart

Well my life is falling apart.  I filed for bankruptcy and I’m going to lose all my stuff because I can’t afford to live here for much longer.  I’m still waiting for my disability to come through but even when it does I’m not going to making enough to survive.  My work is doing nothing to help me.  I’m basically going to become homeless because of my illness and lose everything because I’m not making an income.  I worked for the government for 12 years and they are doing nothing to help me.  It’s killing me that I can’t see my son as much right now but I’m not stable so he’s in a better place .  I want his life to be as stable as possible.  It still hurts though.  I have ECT tomorrow.  Then it’s another 2 days of not being able to drive again.  My boyfriend got his own place.  It’s really nice.  Now it’s just me alone to figure out this mess I created.  I spent today with one of my old friends which was nice.

I keep telling myself that it’s just stuff.  That most of my things can be let go, given away or sold.  I think the hardest thing will be going through my sons room and getting rid of stuff.  His dad said I could send some stuff over there, which is good.

I used to always be the stable one.  Now I’m going to be homeless, I have failed as a mother.  Depression has ruined my life

 

A Little Better Today

Well I had ECT today and I feel a little better.  The doctor also upped another one of my meds. My Mother was a great disappointment today though.  She took me to ECT but she was so concerned about getting back to the house to get the mail, because someone might steal it, that she wouldn’t even help me out of the car when we made it back.  She went straight to the mail box when we got to her place.  I had to make it into the house on my own.   Luckily I wasn’t that dizzy.

Later my boy friend picked me up and took me home.  I was able to get some house work done,  which was great, I haven’t been able to do that in a while.  I also got a couple phone calls from friends and I felt better after.  I felt like I had a little more support.

Silent Screams

I am at a loss.  My depression has taken over my life.  I need to find the strength to rise out of this pile of shit that I have created.  I go in for ECT tomorrow , something that my whole family is against.  I just want to feel better and I want to feel supported.  The only support I have is my boy friend and I told him to move out so he doesn’t drown with me.  I’m going to be all alone but that’s what I want.  I did this, this is my mess.  My illness, I don’t want to bring anyone down with me.

How much pain should one person have to go through?  I’m just looking forward to being put to sleep tomorrow when they do my ECT, so I have a moment of peace from this pain.

Can’t Sleep

I can’t sleep.  My eyes are blood shot with tears and my face is puffy.  I am so stressed its not even funny.  I lost my son, I’m soon to lose my job, I don’t know how long we can live here.  I need to pull my retirement out but it wont let me till the end of the month.  I consolidated all my debt, so now my credit score is going to go way down.  I wont be able to move .  I need to file my taxes and pay a bunch of money on that.  On top of all of this I’m going to see if I can have surgery.  The ECT treatments just aren’t working anymore, so I want to get the vagus nerve stimulation surgery.  Its basically a pace maker for your brain.  I’m desperate. I don’t want to be depressed anymore, its ruining my life. Giving up full custody of my son was the last straw.  I know it was my choice but I want whats best for my son.  My son needs a stable life and I can’t give that to him right now, and it kills me.  If I wasn’t depressed I wouldn’t be in this mess.