Ramblings of a Mental Patient

Whispers of the past still linger

Echos of pain and regret

Loneliness is all that remains

A tainted mind that never stops

Days go by with uncertainty

Nightmares have taken over my only solitude

The loss of all that was haunts my every breath

The anticipation of hope of a new life is still beneath the surface

So I just wait

For a glimpse of stability in this tragic existence

 

Drown

Your words disguise what you’re feeling now
But I’ve seen that look in your eyes before
Though you don’t want to admit it to me
I feel the disappointment I have caused you

If I drown
Please know it’s not your fault
There was no way you could save me from myself
If I drown
Please know it wasn’t you
I was the one who walked away from your help

I know it’s been years of empty promises
I wanted to follow through I wanted to be more
Though you don’t want to admit it to me
You can’t look at me in the same light anymore

 

By: Imperative Reaction

Read more: Imperative Reaction – Drown Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

It’s Been a While

Well its been a while since I have written anything.  Its been 2 months since I have been off all my medications.  I feel better in some aspects but my depression is still there.  I try not to think about everything I’ve lost but it always comes back.  I really fucked myself but I know the main reason is because of my mental illness.  I miss my son more than anything and it’s hard to talk to him on the phone.  I feel so guilty for having to leave.  I am going to see him soon and he’s coming back with me to Washington for a little bit before he starts school.

I know I need to talk to someone but it’s so expensive.  I’m overwhelmed and fearful.  I owe so many people money and I can’t pay anyone back till I get a job.  I’ll be applying for jobs at the end of the month.  I hope I can mentally handle a job again, but really I don’t have a choice.

My memories are coming back.  I think the shock treatments didn’t do as much damage as I thought.  I keep getting head aches though.  Its hard to believe that I went from being in a mental hospital almost every day for 8 months and being on so many medications to no treatment at all.  It’s crazy to think that I had to give up my career of 14 years due to this illness.

Drug Free

Well I took all my medications and put them in a bag and my brother took a brick and crushed them all and buried the remnants in the ground.  It was satisfying to watch. I’m on one medication now and I stopped it today.  So as of today I’m medication free.  I’m so done with doctors over medicating me.  I’m ready to me again and I’m taking natural remedies for my depression when needed.  I can’t believe I was on 14 medications.  How the hell did I function?…..oh right I barely was functioning.

Things are going pretty well here in Washington.   I miss my son very much but ill be seeing him soon.  I’ll also see my cat soon.  I miss them both.  It will be nice spending the summer with my son.  I know I’m not being a full time mom like I should be but hopefully his Father will move up here and then I can be more there for my son.

My next goal is to lose all this weight.  I gained so much from all those medications.  I weigh as much as I did when I was 9 months pregnant.  It’s tough carrying all this weight around.  I’ll be fasting soon to help cleanse my system.

So Here I Stand

Here I am in this new place, scared and full of hope that my life will change for the better.  I have stopped most of my medications and now I’m down to 4.  To think I was on 14 medications at age 34 is scary to think about.  I thought all these doctors were helping me and now I think it was all about money.  I am feeling better with some withdrawal symptoms.  I drew my first picture yesterday in almost a year.  To think before I got so wrapped up in the medical system, I was drawing once a day.  I was afraid my artistic talent would be gone from all the shock treatments in the last year.  So much of my memory is gone and a blur.

I have been talking to my son every day on the phone.  It’s hard being so far away from him.  I feel like a horrible mother for leaving but I didn’t have a choice. I wasn’t being a good mother when I was there. How do you explain depression to a child? I was at a point that I couldn’t hide it anymore and I lost everything on top of it all. He’s going to spend the summer with me and I look forward to that.

I finished my resume and I have been looking for jobs.  I’m well qualified, it’s just depended on my mental illness.  Will I be able to handle working again?  but if I’m going survive and change my life for the better,  I don’t have a choice.

Story to Tell

Well I certainly have a story to tell.  I had a career, an apartment, a nice car…and now its all gone.  All due to depression.  I have had my brain electrocuted about 70 times. I have tried almost every medication. Here I am homeless with my beloved cat.  

So it will be a new chapter in my life soon. I’m moving to Washington in a couple days. Mainly because I have no where I can go.  I don’t want to leave my son but what good am I if I’m homeless.

So here is to starting a new life.