Whispers of the past still linger
Echos of pain and regret
Loneliness is all that remains
A tainted mind that never stops
Days go by with uncertainty
Nightmares have taken over my only solitude
The loss of all that was haunts my every breath
The anticipation of hope of a new life is still beneath the surface
So I just wait
For a glimpse of stability in this tragic existence
Well its been a while since I have written anything. Its been 2 months since I have been off all my medications. I feel better in some aspects but my depression is still there. I try not to think about everything I’ve lost but it always comes back. I really fucked myself but I know the main reason is because of my mental illness. I miss my son more than anything and it’s hard to talk to him on the phone. I feel so guilty for having to leave. I am going to see him soon and he’s coming back with me to Washington for a little bit before he starts school.
I know I need to talk to someone but it’s so expensive. I’m overwhelmed and fearful. I owe so many people money and I can’t pay anyone back till I get a job. I’ll be applying for jobs at the end of the month. I hope I can mentally handle a job again, but really I don’t have a choice.
My memories are coming back. I think the shock treatments didn’t do as much damage as I thought. I keep getting head aches though. Its hard to believe that I went from being in a mental hospital almost every day for 8 months and being on so many medications to no treatment at all. It’s crazy to think that I had to give up my career of 14 years due to this illness.
Well I have ECT tomorrow. It will be my 10th treatment. I have 10 more to go. Originally I thought it was 12 treatments but it looks like its going to be 20. I have been kinda of stressed out lately. I haven’t wanted to be touched. I have a lot on my mind. I’m really worried what they are saying about me at work. I know I shouldn’t care what other people think but I can’t help it. I’m getting electric shock for peat sake. I really don’t want to be depressed though. I am desperate. Depression destroyed my life and I am willing to do any thing to make it go away. I lost my marriage, my friends, my family, my house, and now I may lose my job. I’ll sit in that mental hospital and get electrocuted any day if meant getting any of those things back.
Well I have ECT this morning. I hope it makes me feel better. I’m going to stop talking to my ex for a while. The ball is in court now. I’m going to leave him alone. Besides I think I’m searching for some sort of approval from him that I’m not going to get. I need to focus on me right now and not what he thinks or what his wife thinks. The fact is I’m doing the best I can right now by getting help at the mental hospital.
I’m going to be okay. Everything is fine. I just need to keep telling myself that. I’ve read that ECT can erase parts of peoples long term memories. Sometimes I wish it would do that to me so I wouldn’t have this pain anymore.
My twin died in the womb
My friend bullied me and tried to kill me when I was 15
My boyfriend raped me and cut me up with a razor blade and gave me an STD
I watched my Grandfather die on my Birthday
I watched my best friend die from AIDS
I got sick with erythema nodosum and had to take low dose chemo injections
My husband divorced me
I’m now suffering from ankylosing spondylitis in my spine and hips and suffer from chronic pain have to take injections and a shit ton of medications
I think those are all the main things why I’m so messed up and suffer severe major depression. There are little things like getting my heart broken but I’m not going to list those.
No wonder I’m getting electric shock treatments to my brain to make me sane again.
Well I’m out of the hospital and at home now. It is so good to be home. I have another ETC treatment on Friday and I will continue to have treatments for the next couple weeks till I reach up to 12 treatments. I can’t drive for 5 weeks so my boy friend is going to have to be chauffeur for a while. I feel so good, I haven’t felt this good in a very long time. I also don’t have the urge to drink which is good because I can’t drink between treatments.
I was looking at my discharge paperwork and they gave me long list of diagnosis’s; Depression, alcohol abuse, benzo abuse, chronic pain, hypothyroidism, OCD, and Severe Major Depression.
On a plus side my cats are happy to see me and I’m so glad to back home with my boy friend. I can’t wait to see my son again. I’ll have 4 more treatments before I see him again so I’ll be doing really well. I’m going to start exercising tomorrow on my bran new elliptical that I bought a couple weeks ago that I was too depressed to use before.
I’ve learned a lot from being in the hospital for 6 days. I’ve learned that routine is important and eating 3 meals a day, going to bed on time, taking my meds at the same time every day and going to therapy regularly is very important for mental health. I was doing none of these things before.
Well I am going to have my 3rd ECT treatment this morning. I am also going to be discharged from the hospital today. Not because I am well but because my insurance doesn’t want to pay for me to be in here. So I will be doing my treatments on an out patient basis. I’m not really ready to go home yet. I feel like I am really benefiting from all the therapy groups here. I am definitely going to find myself a therapist, I guess it is time again. I will miss the people here. I am going to stay in contact with 2 people I have met here.
Well it’s been a while since I have blogged. I am having a really hard time right now. I haven’t been to work in a month. I have been feeling sick and depressed. I’m so tired of all these medications, I think they are making me sick. I feel dizzy and I have hot and cold sweats all the time. I’m nauseous and I don’t want to eat. I have started losing weight which I guess is good but I didn’t want to lose it like this.
I have to go back to work on Monday to talk to my boss. I’m scared I’m going to lose my job. I have missed so much work in the last year from being sick. I don’t know what I’m going to do, how I’m going to support my son. I’m so scared. Granted I hate my job and maybe it’s time I find something different but I have been there so long. My anxiety is through the roof. I also have the stress of bills and taxes. I just want to hide in a closet some where and scream. I want to cry but I’m on so many meds that I can’t.
I can’t sleep. I really miss my son. I can’t stop thinking about him. I keep stressing that his Dad might use my mental illness against me some day. Evan though he swears he would never do that. I just worry because my ex is so stable and I’m not. I try so hard to hide my illness from my son but I think he senses something is going on. I haven’t seen my son in almost 2 weeks. I get him again on Monday. If my ex ever did take me court and wanted custody he would win. He is married and has no mental illness. I’m a single mom with a mental illness and past addiction issues. He has never threatened custody so here is hoping he never does.