Trying to Make Friends

Well things are a little better but unfortunately I wont be able to move out of my brothers as soon as I had hoped because I need to pay off my IRS debt.  I made an appointment with a therapist on Monday.  I am so looking forward to talking to someone.  I feel so alone, it’s sad.

My co-workers invited me out tonight but I chickened out.  I’m scared that I may open up too much because I haven’t had anyone to really talk to in a long time.  I don’t want to give myself away that I’m mentally ill.  I think I may invite them out another time after I have started therapy.

 

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It’s Not Right

So I worked things out with the IRS.  They gave me my money back and I only have to pay 200 a month to pay off my $1000 debt.  I do feel better that I got that resolved.  I was so scared that they were going to garnish my whole pay checks.  It’s nice to know I will get this taken care of and still survive in the process.

On a different subject…..I’m in a difficult situation with my good friend Becky.  Recently my drug addict friend Kasey that I grew up with slept with Becky’s husband and almost destroyed their marriage.  Now Kasey is homeless again, using drugs, and cutting herself.  Today Kasey’s Mother asked me about her and I told her that I don’t want to get involved.  I guess Kasey’s mom asked Becky about her too and Becky lied to her and told her that she’s doing fine and looking to get studio apartment, which is bullshit.

Kasey is living in her car with 3 dogs, a cat and a 5 year old child.  I don’t agree with this.   I think her son would be better off in foster care than living this way but Becky doesn’t agree.  She believes that a child should always stay with their mother.

Well in a way this made me feel like shit, because I don’t have my son right now.  I left my son with his father because I needed to get better and I didn’t want him to see me suffer with mental illness.  I grew up with a mentally ill mother and it was fucked up.  I just didn’t want to put my son through that.

So I think I may stop talking to Becky too, which saddens me but I need to let go of the past and move on.

Cleaning Up The Past

Well its the new year and its not going well so far.  The past is coming back to haunt me and forcing me to face my mistakes.  The IRS has frozen my bank account and I’m assuming they plan to garnish my wages.  I owe them money for taking loans out of my retirement to survive while I wasn’t working due to my mental illness.  I know I should have tried to take care of it but I was too drugged up and doing shock treatments.  I was just trying to survive each day.

I now have to go into work tomorrow and let my boss know, if he doesn’t know already.  It’s going to be so embarrassing.  I also still need to call the IRS to see if they will just take part of my pay checks instead of everything till the debt is paid.  It’s just hard to call because the wait time is 45 min to hour to talk to someone and they are only open during the times I work.

I just hope I can work this out some how to where I at least get enough money each month for food.  I also don’t want to explain to them that the reason I haven’t taken care of this is because I was in and out a mental hospital for almost a year getting shock treatments.

I just want to scream. When will I get a break from fucking up my life?  I’m trying so hard to get my life back together.

Giving into Change

My friend, I’ve let you down
I’m writing to the sound
Of the pain you once possessed
So long ago
When time was everything
The echoes still resound
From a place where everything
Seemed possible

I’ve wasted so much time
On waiting for you to see how much
You threw away
When time meant everything
Your promise fell apart
And I stood here without a way
To recover

My friend, you let me down
I’m writing to the sound
Of the pain I once possessed
So long ago
When trust was everything
The promise still resounds
From a place where everything
Seemed possible

By: Imperative Reaction “Giving into Change”

Torture

You know you’re sinking
And the harder you try to move
The pull gets stronger
Until there’s nothing left to lose
So you reach out and beg to be saved
So you can start all over one more time
But you just put it off
You dim another’s light

It’s torture trying to breathe
With this film wrapped over me
I see right through it, but I know it’s there
It’s torture having to watch
As you’re pushed away from me
I know what I am is too much to bear

You know you’re fading
And the harder you try to scream
Your throat gets tighter
Until there’s no way left to speak
So you reach out and beg to be saved
So you can start all over one more time
But you just put it off
You dim another’s light

It’s torture trying to breathe
With this film wrapped over me
I see right through it, but I know it’s there
It’s torture having to watch
As you’re pushed away from me
I know what I am is too much to bear

You know you’re sinking
And the harder you try to move
The pull gets stronger
Until there’s nothing left to lose
So you reach out and beg to be saved
So you can start all over one more time
But you just put it off
You dim another’s light

It’s torture trying to breathe
With this film wrapped over me
I see right through it, but I know it’s there
It’s torture having to watch
As you’re pushed away from me
I know what I am is too much to bear

 

“Torture” By Imperative Reaction

Dead to Me

So today I want to write about my friend Kasey.  I have known her since she was one years old.  We were best friends growing up.  She was like a sister to me.  I used to always consider her the twin sister I never had because my twin died in the womb.  We did everything together.  She was smart and loved writing but all that changed.  She worked normal jobs out of high school and then discovered stripping.  Soon after stripping she discovered drugs and all kinds of men.  It started with xanax and then later she moved on to meth.

She ended up getting pregnant and I took her in for a while but eventually she ended up abandoning her daughter with her Mother.  She then went back to stripping and got pregnant again and was living on the streets and I took her in again and helped her through her pregnancy.  Once she had her son, my husband couldn’t take it anymore and we made her move in with the Father of her child.  That didn’t last long and she ended up stripping again and then escorting.  Then she basically ended up couch hopping with her son where ever they could stay.  She started doing drugs again but not meth this time.  She started snorting and smoking Aderal and whatever pharmaceuticals she could get her hands on.

A couple years went by and I didn’t really hear from her and when I did she wanted money.  Then 6 months ago before I came here to Washington, I took her in again.  She had been living in her car with her 5 year old son, 3 dogs and her cat.  I thought maybe if I helped her again that she would get back track and I was in a lonely spot and I think a part of me missed the old Kasey that I grew up with.

Well that was one of the worst mistakes I ever made.  She just ended up using me till I had no more strength left to give.  I unfortunately don’t remember too much of all that happened because I was getting shock treatments at the time and I was heavily medicated.  All I know is that she really fucked me and made my life a whole lot worse.  What’s the saddest part about all of this is that she makes her son live this life of instability.  Her son is also Autistic and needs structure.

Well since I have been living in Washington, she has been doing her usual thing, couch hopping or living in her car.  Recently I found out that she had been staying at my friend Becky’s place.  Becky is another friend that we both grew up with.  I guess she has been at Becky’s for about 3 months now and has created nothing but chaos.  Becky and her husband have 3 children.  Kasey being her selfish self decided to start sleeping with Becky’s husband and has been giving him drugs and all the while Becky is watching her son with other 3 children while her husband and Kasey go out and party.  This I thought was even low for Kasey because she usually wouldn’t betray a close friend in that way.  I also heard from Becky that she has started cutting herself which is not like her.

Becky hasn’t kicked her out yet despite the pain the betrayal she is going through because she loves Kasey and doesn’t want her and her son to live on the streets.  My heart aches for Becky because I know the pain Kasey causes and I blame the drugs.  As far as I’m concerned Kasey is dead.  Drugs have basically consumed her soul and she is just an empty shell that feeds like a parasite to get what she wants.

So I’m done. Kasey is dead.

 

 

Palpitations

Well things have been okay for the last couple weeks.  My Brother hasn’t had any major temper tantrums but I’m still always on edge. I started having heart palpitations again.  I haven’t had them since my son was born.  In fact heart palpitations are the reason I got started on the whole medication roller coaster.  The doctor diagnosed me with postpartum depression and anxiety and then prescribed me Xanax…. and that’s where it started and how everything went to shit.  One bottle of Xanax to 16 medications and shock treatments to my brain.

I think the heart palpitations may be caused from sleep deprivation and stress.  It makes sense because when I was a new mother, I wasn’t getting much sleep.  Now I just have a needy elderly cat that doesn’t let me sleep much and an angry Brother that always keeps me on edge.

I’m hoping the heart palpitations go away, I refuse to go on medication.

I’ve been feeling really lonely again.  I miss going and having coffee with someone and having a good conversation.  I got invited to my work Christmas party but I have no one to go with and I still don’t feel close enough to my co workers to go alone, so I’m not going.

I miss having friends

I think I also feel down that I wont be with my son for Christmas.  This will be my first Christmas without him and I feel really guilty about it but I can’t miss work yet.  I just haven’t been there long enough.

 

What Did I Do Wrong?

Well today was horrible.  This morning I got up later to make sure I wasn’t in my Brothers way as he got ready for work but apparently I think I need to just wait till he leaves to start getting ready for work.  He stomped around all angry and gave me a horrible look like I had done something wrong.  It really fucked me up for the whole day.  I was constantly stressing “What did I do wrong?”  and I’m I going to hear about it when I get home?  I folded the towels right, I did the dishes right, I took out the recycling.  The only thing I could think of was that maybe my cat woke him up again in the night when she knocked over my suitcase….I just didn’t know.  I even stayed longer at work because I didn’t want to go home.  I walked to my car slower than normal.  I even drove home slower.

So I get home and I’m sitting in my car trying not to have a panic attack and I slowly walk to the door and I walk in.  He’s absolutely fine, say’s “hi” to me and everything.   So in my head I’m like “WHAT THE FUCK?”  We all sat down and had dinner, didn’t say a word as usual and I went and locked myself in my room.

So I just don’t know what to think.  What is sad is that when I was little, I always looked up to my Brother even though I didn’t really get to see him that much because he moved out when I was 3 but now that I have gotten to know him I am terrified of him.  It’s a sad feeling.

The Little Things

I’m so lonely, I know I have said that before but I’m saying it again.  I’m used to being in a relationship and having some friends.  I miss having someone to talk to when I get home from work. Most of all I miss having my son with me and having a routine.  It’s funny how the little things can mean so much.  Just getting my son ready for bed and reading him a bed time story or watching Spongebob on the TV, those are the things I miss.

So here I am, alone and unhappy.  I know I didn’t have the greatest of friends but I loved them just the same.  Most don’t even talk to me or acknowledge that I exist since the divorce and me falling apart.  They just judged me and moved on. I know I made terrible mistakes and ruined my life in the process but it would have been nice if they had stood by me anyway and realized that people can change.

 

 

Breaking Down

Well the break from my Brother was nice but short.  I did whatever chores needed to be done, made sure the house was perfect before he got home and decided to lock myself in my room.  After he got home, my sister stopped by and banged on my door and it scared me because I thought it was Brother and that I had done something wrong.  She came in and said hi and gave me a hug and I just started crying.  I told her I was PMSing and that I was just emotional.   I think she knows now that I need to get out of this house.