My Brother

So, it’s almost time. My son will be here in two days.  I am excited and scared all at the same time.  I have not seen my son since August.  Which is a long time not to see your child.

I want so much for this visit to work out and go well but I know it won’t.  All I can do is hope that the next time he comes out that I have my own place and get out of this horrible situation that I’m in.  I’m just going to accept that its not going to go well, that way I’m not disappointed.

I need to accept that even though my Brother meant well by having me live with him, it doesn’t change the fact that he is emotionally abusive.

I think my Brother has just been through so much that it has made his soul angry.  Which I understand but its not right to take it out on the people around you.

It’s sad really. I always looked up to my Brother and thought he was a fun person but in truth I never really knew him.  He moved out when I was 3 years old.  The brother I knew was high and on hard drugs but I didn’t know that.  Now that he has been off hard drugs, he’s different and not the Brother I knew.  I’m glad he’s off meth but I can’t even be around him unless he has smoked weed.

In some ways he reminds me so much of my Mother. He gets angry about the most mediocre shit. It makes me think “why waste your fucking energy on shit that means nothing?”  I just don’t get it, “You are going to ruin your whole day along with some one else’s because someone didn’t fucking fold your towels correctly?”.  Why not just be grateful that someone did your laundry and folded it and put it away?

All I know is that the fantasy of my Brother that I had in my head as a child is completely destroyed.  The fact that I can’t even get up in the middle of the night to go pee, in fear that I may wake my Brother up is devastating.  I have even resorted to peeing in bottles in my room so I don’t risk waking him up.  That is just fucking heart breaking.

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Tired of Being Sick

Well this weekend sucked and went by very fast.  I have been sick for the last 4 days, which makes this the third time that I have been sick this month.  As much as I wanted to do absolutely nothing on my days off being sick, I knew that wasn’t possible. On top of it all my Brother got food poisoning which also sucked.  I constantly still had to be on my toes to make sure things were taken care of.

Luckily I did get a break and started playing a new computer game. It felt nice to escape for a little bit but I felt my Brother judging me the whole time.  Eventually I just escaped to my room, which I think I may do more of.  I just wish I liked my room but it smells like a dying cat.  Even though I scoop every day and constantly clean up her throw up, it still smells horrible.

Fuck I just want my own place.

My son will be here in 5 days.  I am excited and dreadful at the same time.  I want to see him but dread what negativity he may witness from my Brother and niece.  I just want it to be a positive experience for him.  I just don’t know what to do. My thought was getting a hotel room but my Brother was offended by that but oh how nice it would be, to be away from my Brother for one night, just to breathe.

I Hate My Uterus

So it’s been a rough 2 days. I don’t know what is going on my uterus but I think I need to see a doctor.  I noticed that in the last year that my periods have gotten heavier and I thought it would just pass but it just seems to be getting worse to a point that its hard to function the first two days of bleeding.

Today at work, I was going through a large pad almost every half hour. I would pass a huge clot and then blood would just gush out like I peed my pants several times throughout the day. I’ve been dizzy all day and I look pale as shit and I kept getting hot flashes, but I stayed the whole day. Its not like I can go to boss and say “I need to go home because I’m bleeding too much from my period”.

So I tried finding a doctor and I swear its impossible in this state and I can’t go to an OBGYN without seeing a GP first. I’m just so frustrated with healthcare here.

I just want to know what’s going on. I looked up my symptoms and it could be anything from fibroids to Premenopause.

Anyways I hope tomorrow is better.

Trying to Understand Anger

Well its been a stressful couple of weeks.  Fuck, what I am I talking about, I’m always stressed out.  I need time to myself.  Its interesting how I feel so alone but I always have people around me.

I just want a day where I can do whatever I want without worrying if I’m doing something wrong or not doing enough. I want to be able to place a dish by the sink and not have to worry about washing it till the next day.  I want just one day with no fear, care free, just to breathe.

My Brother says I’m just too sensitive and I need to stop acting like he’s abusive because he says he’s not.  I can’t help it if it freaks me out being around someone who throws angry tantrums all the time about stupid shit.   I just don’t think I understand anger.  I can only say that I have only expressed anger maybe twice in my life.  I know that probably isn’t healthy.  I just hold everything in.

It’s sad that I should be excited about my son coming to visit soon but I’m dreading how exhausting its going to be to make sure he doesn’t do anything to piss my Brother off.   I almost wish we could stay in a hotel but I’m not sure I can’t get away with that because my Brother would probably get offended by that too.

I just wish I understood anger better.

Bad Day

So I had a not so good day today.  I have been stressing a lot about trying to get my son up here to visit on his spring break and trying to figure out daycare so I can still go to work and he can be here for at least a week. Plus its his birthday this week and it will be the first Birthday I’m not there. Its very hard. He’s not doing well in school, he even got suspended for threatening to bring a gun school. The school and the police are doing an investigation. He’s 8 years old, I don’t think he meant it.  I can’t help but feel responsible though because I’m not there.

Well I came home from work today 20 min before my Brother.  I usually get home 2 hours later.  Any ways he got mad that I hadn’t started on dinner.  I did the dishes and took the recycling out but because I was sitting on the phone talking to my sister when he walked in, he got mad.  So I panicked and tried to find anything else he might get upset about and take care of it but I couldn’t find anything because I cleaned the whole house yesterday.  So I went to my room and cried for a little bit. Pulled my self together and washed my face but he could tell that I was crying and then he got mad at me for crying and told me  I’m too sensitive and to get over it.

So I apologized again and I figure I just can’t win. I’ll make sure to have dinner waiting though if I get home from work before him.

On a different note, in my last blog I was talking about my dream about my ex in-laws. Well oddly enough I got a text from my ex mother in law tonight inviting me to video chat with her but I don’t know if she meant to send it or if it was an accident.  I’m scared.  I love her very much, she’s like a second Mother to me but I just feel so ashamed to talk to her. I really fucked up my life and let them down. So I just don’t know.

So I’m going to try and sleep and hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Dreams

Well for the last few days I have been having dreams about my ex in laws and my ex husband.  Its been really affecting me.  It takes me a while to snap out of it when I wake up, its very painful mentally.  I am under a lot of stress, my son is not doing well in school and has been having anger issues.  I’m still on edge all the time around my Brother.

I’m going to try and make effort to join some kind of support group but there just isn’t a lot of options in this city.  I’m going to keep looking.

The Good and The Bad

Well it’s been a while since I last blogged. Things have been good and bad.  I went out and had fun for the first time in almost a year.  I actually went to a bar and played pool with some of my co’workers.  It was nice and overwhelming all at the same time.  I hope maybe my co workers will accept me more.  I just need to remember not to be open about my past, as much as I yearn to tell my story to someone but most people would just look at me as a crazy freak.  I also went to the book store on my own, it was nice, something I enjoy that I miss doing.

Its been hard as usual living with my Brother.  I swear he has an outburst at least 2 to 3 times a week.  I keep trying to tell myself that its just the way he is and that he’s not abusive and that I’m just too sensitive.  Then I was thinking about all the things that go through my head whenever I’m home and realized that its no wonder I’m a nervous wreck.  For example, these are all the things I think about and do to try and not make my Brother angry:

Make sure to do the dishes even if his daughter doesn’t do them

Make sure dishes are put in dish rack properly before drying and putting away.

Make sure to leave the dish wash cloth neatly on the dish rack when done

Always make sure recycling is taken out every day

Pick up any trash that his daughter leaves on the floor

Do not go in the kitchen while Brother is in there

Always take shoes off in my room

Always make sure the shower curtain is straight

Always make sure blanket is folded on chair

Don’t ever get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom

Always make sure the cat stays quiet at night

Don’t throw away sanitary napkins in the bathroom trash, put them in the outside trash

Don’t ever park my car forward in the parking spot, make sure you back up into the parking spot

Don’t use paper towels to prepare food on

Don’t get up for work until he has left for work

Always make sure phone ringer is put on low

Don’t chew on anything crunchy, like chips next to my Brother while watching TV

Always make sure the cat litter is scooped at least once a day and disposed of out side

Always make sure the door is unlocked before Brother gets home from any where

Don’t fold my brothers laundry because I don’t do it correctly

 

I know there is more but, its just too overwhelming to write it all down.

I really need to get my own place, I don’t know how much longer my brain can handle this….

I Can Do Better

Well I have a lot on my mind lately.  I am confused about my life and who I am.  My life is such a blur after having all my shock treatments.  I am lonely and bewildered by all the mistakes I have made.  I am trying to change my life around but it is hard.  Starting over isn’t as easy as it sounds.  I feel so lonely and isolated.  I have no one to relate to, which makes things feel very hopeless.  I tried to reach out for help by going to counseling but my insurance doesn’t cover it.  I was proud that I got myself a new job but now I feel like I can do better.  I worked for the government for 13 years and worked very hard to get as high up as I did and to start a new job making minimum wage is starting to get to me.  I want to be able to survive on my own and have my son back.  I did start putting in for Government jobs again but no luck yet.  I don’t even know if they will take me back knowing that I have a mental illness.  I just can’t picture myself working at a car dealership for the rest of my life.

I have lost most of my friends from everything I have done.  I always thought I was a good person but I’m not.  I want to be a good person and make things right but all the people I lost wont talk to me anymore.  My ex husband can’t stand me, I think he wishes I was dead.  I don’t even try to talk to him anymore except about our son and even that’s like pulling teeth.  It’s sad because we have known each other since we were kids.  I just wish I lived my life differently, I lost so much and ill never get it back.  I put partial blame on doctors for destroying my life but I accept responsibility for my actions.

Its Not Me

 

 

Once the light has turned my face
Into the look of a dying race
Explain what I’m supposed to be
But it’s not me

Watching me from behind the glass
Through contemplating eyes from the past
Cold, beneath my dignity
But it’s not me

Rejecting that I am the one
Knowing that myself has gone
To the other side of the mirror
And getting bigger
What is left to my side
Perhaps my aim perhaps my pride
Smiling through the other side of the mirror
Still getting bigger

Read more: Neuroticfish – It’s Not Me Lyrics | MetroLyrics