My Brother

So, it’s almost time. My son will be here in two days.  I am excited and scared all at the same time.  I have not seen my son since August.  Which is a long time not to see your child.

I want so much for this visit to work out and go well but I know it won’t.  All I can do is hope that the next time he comes out that I have my own place and get out of this horrible situation that I’m in.  I’m just going to accept that its not going to go well, that way I’m not disappointed.

I need to accept that even though my Brother meant well by having me live with him, it doesn’t change the fact that he is emotionally abusive.

I think my Brother has just been through so much that it has made his soul angry.  Which I understand but its not right to take it out on the people around you.

It’s sad really. I always looked up to my Brother and thought he was a fun person but in truth I never really knew him.  He moved out when I was 3 years old.  The brother I knew was high and on hard drugs but I didn’t know that.  Now that he has been off hard drugs, he’s different and not the Brother I knew.  I’m glad he’s off meth but I can’t even be around him unless he has smoked weed.

In some ways he reminds me so much of my Mother. He gets angry about the most mediocre shit. It makes me think “why waste your fucking energy on shit that means nothing?”  I just don’t get it, “You are going to ruin your whole day along with some one else’s because someone didn’t fucking fold your towels correctly?”.  Why not just be grateful that someone did your laundry and folded it and put it away?

All I know is that the fantasy of my Brother that I had in my head as a child is completely destroyed.  The fact that I can’t even get up in the middle of the night to go pee, in fear that I may wake my Brother up is devastating.  I have even resorted to peeing in bottles in my room so I don’t risk waking him up.  That is just fucking heart breaking.

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