Tough Spot

I’m tired, I hurt, and I think I’m slightly depressed today.  I finished my second week of my new job today.  Thought I would be paid today but I guess not.  I’m working my ass off for little pay.  I told myself to not let that get to me because I’m starting over and I need to start at the bottom.  

I keep thinking if I had gotten better in San Diego, I would still have my career and my son.  I guess it didn’t work out that way. 

I think I’m in a tough spot right now.  Im in pain from working and I’m not getting much sleep because my arm keeps going numb and burning all the way down to my wrist no matter what position I’m in.  I can’t go to the doctor yet because my insurance hasn’t started.  My Brother has been an ultimate negative ass.  I just want to hide in my room.

I’m hoping once I get paid everything will be better. Its sad but true.



Well I have been at my new job for almost two weeks now.  Its very active work and it has been taking a toll on my body.  I’m not sure if its because I’m so out of shape or if its my body starting to have flare ups again from my AS. My legs and feet are in just so much pain when I get home. I’ve been taking Aleve twice a day and have been sleeping with a heat blanket to help with the pain.  Its like the pain is in my bones and not my muscles.  Its not pleasant but I need to just fight through it.  I refuse to go to the doctor to go back on medication and steroids for the pain.  

I hope I just get used to the pain over time.

New Job

So I started my new job.  Its hard work and I’m making half of what I used to make at my last job but what matters is that I’m making something.  I’m catching on okay but I am still having a little trouble with my short term memory.  I’m assuming its just the effects of the shock treatments still. I get along with everyone okay so far which is good but I can tell that people are curious as to why I am working at a car dealership when I had a successful career working for the Government.  I just hope no one asks me too much about my past.  

I thought a lot about my past today.  It made me wish that I had someone to talk to about it.  I think I just need someone to talk to in general.  I hope to start seeing a therapist as soon as I get paid.  I think that will help me.

I’m so lonely 

Some What Damaged

So impressed with all you do
Tried so hard to be like you
Flew too high and burnt the wing
Lost my faith in everything

Lick around divine debris
Taste the wealth of hate in me
Shedding skin, succumb defeat
This machine is obsolete

Made the choice to go away
Drink the fountain of decay
Tear a hole exquisite red
Fuck the rest and stab it dead

Broken, bruised, forgotten sore
Too fucked up to care anymore
Poisoned to my rotten core
Too fucked up to care anymore

Broken, bruised, forgotten sore
Too fucked up to care anymore
Poisoned to my rotten core
Too fucked up to care anymore

In the back off the side far away
Is a place where I hide, where I stay
Tried to say, tried to ask I needed to
All alone by myself, where were you?

How could I ever think it’s funny how?
Everything that swore it wouldn’t change, is different now
Just like you would always say, “We’ll make it through”
Then my head fell apart and where were you?

How could I ever think it’s funny how?
Everything you swore would never change, is different now
Like you said, “You and me make it through”
Didn’t quite fell apart, where the fuck were you?

Try to Forget

You return in the night
Don’t have a person to hold you
And you think about the past time
When you were, when you were still loved

You go to bed alone
Don’t have a person to warm you
And you think about your last love
Then you try to forget

Try to forget
Try to forget
But you can’t forget

You will show your tears and hide
And you hope that someone knows
That you are alone and takes you
And takes you in his arms

Your secrets are your thoughts
Write them down and start to cry,
Write them down and start to scream
Because you know you are alone


Praying for myself.
These thoughts I try to hide.
I have faith in me and hope this will survive.
But it’s tearing me apart.
I can’t hear the words by which I guide.
So I must ask again who will carry me.

I will not deny that nothing can defend
from the helplessness that’s cutting deep inside,
and I cannot prevent the thought that nothings real.
Seems I’ve waited years for this day to end.

The strength I need to feel, the pride inside of me,
Are not there behind the face staring back at me.
The anger and the pain of knowing where I am.
I have come so far and I cannot return.

Nothing I can do that I have not done.
No words I can say. No truth left that I can see.
So must I let this end so everything falls apart.
Before I live the life as I have always done.

Tell me what to do so I do nothing wrong.
Something I can hope for. Something real that I can see.
So nothing falls apart. So that it does not end.
I cannot return. I can’t start again.

Side Effect

It’s just a side effect, nothing is wrong
Relax, it’s only for now
Just a temporary bump in the road
A lapse, it’s under control

Stop alarming yourselves
There’s no need for panic
Please remain calm
Your compliance isn’t optional
Now, calmly

Line up
Stay down

The game is rigged
So the same side wins
No matter how many times we try

It’s just a side effect, nothing is wrong
Relax and swallow your dose
Just a necessary step on the road
To track and stay in control

Stop alarming yourselves
There’s no need for panic
Please remain calm
Your compliance isn’t optional
Now, calmly

Line up
Stay down

The game is rigged
So the same side wins
No matter how many times we try

Line up
Stay down

The game is rigged
So the same side wins
No matter how many times we try

Line up
Stay down

The game is rigged
So the same side wins
No matter how many times we try

A Letter To My Son

To my beloved son,

I know there are no words I can say that will change all I have done.  I just want to say how sorry I am that I wasn’t there for you when I should have been.  I let my pain and illness take over me to a point that I couldn’t be a mother to you.  I regret having to move far away to try and get better.  I hope one day that you can forgive me.  Just know that I never stopped loving you.  Now that I am recovering I am going to do everything in my power to be a good Mother to you.  I hope you and your Father move up here soon so we can be together once again, as it should be.

Love always,


The Pain of Divorce

I was thinking about my ex- in laws today.  I haven’t thought about them in a long time.  They were practically my second parents growing up.  I haven’t talked to them in over a year now.  I think one of the most painful things going through the divorce was losing them.  I cared so much about what they thought of me.  I sometimes wonder if they ever think about me.  I’m pretty sure I’m a fuck up in their eyes.  There are some things that they told me that I wish I had listened to.

There is so much that happened during the divorce that is a blur.  Ever since I had shock treatments on my brain, the whole event is like a dream that I’m trying to remember but I can only get bits and pieces.   I know when I found out my ex husband had remarried barely a year after we divorced, just devastated me.  I think everything went down hill for me after that.  I also remember that my ex husband refused to be friends with me, even though we share a child really hurt me too.

I think with all the pain of the divorce and the fact that I hated my job didn’t help.  My ex husband and is family worked on the same naval base as I did at one time.  So I had to come to work every day and be reminded of them, it was just too much.

I of course turned to alcohol almost every day to ease my suffering but what I didn’t realize is that it was just making me worse.  So I then started going to the doctor a lot, hoping that they could fix my pain.  It just seemed like I was getting put on a new medication every couple months. Till eventually I was on 16 medications at the same time.  I could barely function and just started not going to work anymore.  I still can’t believe I was still driving at this point.  No one should be driving while on that many medications.  So doctors didn’t know what else to do with me except start giving me shock treatments to my brain 2 to 3 times a week for 8 months.  Honestly I liked it.  I liked being put under and losing my memory after.  It was nice not having to remember the past.  I think that’s why I kept doing it for as long as I did.  But it was short lived.

I just came to a point that I couldn’t function at all anymore and I just lost everything and ended up here in Washington with my Brother.  What I regret the most is that I couldn’t be a parent to my son.  It’s hurts so much that he is living in another state from me and I can barely see him.  I know he is being well taken care of by his father and step mother but it’s still hard.  That is my baby.

Now that I have been off all the medications for about 5 months now.  I feel so much better and clear headed.  I’m starting over and I have a new job that I’m starting soon and everything is going to be okay I hope.  I still have a lot I need to take of financially to get back on track, which it will take time but at least ill be doing something about it.

I’m not going to say divorce ruined my life but it didn’t help.