Well its been a while since I have written anything. Its been 2 months since I have been off all my medications. I feel better in some aspects but my depression is still there. I try not to think about everything I’ve lost but it always comes back. I really fucked myself but I know the main reason is because of my mental illness. I miss my son more than anything and it’s hard to talk to him on the phone. I feel so guilty for having to leave. I am going to see him soon and he’s coming back with me to Washington for a little bit before he starts school.
I know I need to talk to someone but it’s so expensive. I’m overwhelmed and fearful. I owe so many people money and I can’t pay anyone back till I get a job. I’ll be applying for jobs at the end of the month. I hope I can mentally handle a job again, but really I don’t have a choice.
My memories are coming back. I think the shock treatments didn’t do as much damage as I thought. I keep getting head aches though. Its hard to believe that I went from being in a mental hospital almost every day for 8 months and being on so many medications to no treatment at all. It’s crazy to think that I had to give up my career of 14 years due to this illness.