Awkward

Well I’m glad Thanksgiving is over.  Its sad when you cant even feel comfortable with your own family.  They are all against me dong ECT treatments.  It was very awkward .  Which I dont understand, Im just trying to get better.

Depression

Another day.  Another day of waiting and not knowing what is going to happen. How can any agency say Im not disabled. Im surrounded by medications, I barely go out anymore.  I dont take care of myself like I used to.  Brushing my hair is hard.  

My apartment looks like shit.  I have piles of bills every where.  I can’t keep up with anything.  I used to be a good mother.  Now I can barely be a mother because I can barely take care of myself. I miss my baby so much though but I know I did the right thing by giving full custody to his Dad while I’m battling this disease.

I don’t have ECT till Friday.  They wanted to drop me to once a week but I just dont think I can handle it.  I think I need it twice a week but finding a ride is so hard. If the government would just give me disability , I could hire a case worker to take me.  

I’m so tired of waiting for disability .  I’m going to be homeless soon and Im going to lose everything.  I’ve already lost so much already.  

God help me

Can’t Sleep

Im trying to sleep but I can’t stop crying.  How did my life get this messed up?  If social security denies my disability  claim, I am going to be so upset.  Which they probably will knowing my luck.  I have a lawyer but I know nothing about legal stuff.  All I know is if I dont start making an income soon , I’m going to be homeless and I’m going to lose everything.  I’ll be lucky if I have friend I can stay with.  My Mom wont help me,my sister wont help me because they are against ECT.  They think my treatment choice is barbaric.  So they have no sympathy for my situation.  I thought about going to Washington to live with my brother but I cant be that far away from my son and my boy friend.I pray they approve my claim

Broken

I am so broken.  I still can’t work.  Major Depression has basically ruined my life.  I still can’t get any support from the government or the state to help me survive.  I’m still waiting on my disability  claim.  I’m going to be homeless soon.  I gave full custody of my son to my ex husband so that he has a stable life.  I’m going to lose my cats , I need to find homes for them.  

I’m still waiting for my bankruptcy to go through. I can’t sell any of my stuff till that goes through.  

So yeah…..my life is fucked 

My family doesn’t support me because I’m doing ECT electro shock therapy to treat my depression.

The only support I have is my boy friend and his family.

And I’m crying as I write this….because I could really use some prayers.  Im not a religious person but I’m at my breaking point in my life and I almost just want to give up.

Beware of Chase Bank

So I signed up for a checking and savings account and the teller offered me all this coupon stuff and I accepted it.  One coupon was for 300 dollars if you set up automatic deposit with social security.  I told her Im waiting on my claim to be approved should be about 4 months and she said that was fine and gave me the coupon.  i didnt think anything of it cuz I dont get the 300 dollars until the deposit happens any way.  

Three weeks go by I get a call from the teller saying my automatic deposit with social security was declined.  Im like….okay….of course it was….I havent been approved yet.  So I call her and I explain this to her and she threatens me. She tells me that Im never going to be approved by social security. that Im a fraud . she even theatened to mess with my debit card so i cant use it. I tried reasoning with her and she just hung up on me.

I have been upset ever since this happened.  i cant stop crying.  its just that I have gone through so much trying to get my claim approved and for this woman to call me a fraud when im getting my brain electrocuted twice a week just breaks me so much.  Im taking so many medications and I struggle every day.  Depression has ruined my life. I just pray this woman didnt ruin my chances of getting on disability because if she did…Im going to be homeless

ECT

Lay me down

Shoot me up

Tell me everything will be okay

Tell me everything will get better

Electrify my brain make me forget the cruel past

seize my soul

make me numb

anything to make this pain go away

I awake to a new day

another treatment past

another day taken out to the car in a wheel chair

just another normal day

trying to find salvation

trying to find peace

where God failed me

and so it goes on

until  the .next treatment

Karma is a bitch

Fuck I am so stressed out.  So much paper work , I’m being pulled in so many directions.  With a bankruptcy and a disability claim.  I am making no money at all.  I have little left to survive on for the next couple months.  Plus on top of all of this I have my Electro Shock treatments twice a week.  My brother wants me to move to Washington because its cheaper.  I am tempted but I just don’t know if I could leave my son for that long.  I know his dad and I could work something out but it would be very hard.  I just don’t know.  but I can’t survive here , there is no way .  My brain hurts from thinking so much , I guess this is what I get for all the horrible things I’ve done

Overwhelmed 

I’m  at my boy friends tonight because I didn’t want to be alone . I was going to stay at my mom’s but she told me to toughen up .  Im so overwhelmed with paperwork from my bankruptcy , from my disability , taxes, I just hate it. My apartment is a mess .  I need help.  The only person helping me is my boyfriend Eric and his family.  My family doesn’t even want to deal with me.  

Can’t Sleep

I can’t sleep.  How the hell am I supposed to sleep when my life is falling apart?  I’m losing my job.  I’m losing my home, I wont be able to see my son as often, I’m losing my cats.  I mean Fuck how much do I have to go through?  Do I really deserve this?  I have helped a lot people over the years, so I don’t understand why I am going through this.  This isn’t fair.  I am a human being who is suffering with a disease.  It shouldn’t be this hard to get benefits if you are suffering from an illness and you can’t work anymore.  I just want to live my life.