Numb

Well yesterday was eventful.  First I spent all day working on paper work  for my disability which was stressful.  Then I went to therapy which was okay I guess.  I came home to spend time with my boy friend and we got into a fight.  Well it was more he was really pissed off at me.  I didn’t show him affection when I said I would.  I have just been so stressed out and I’m on so many medications that it’s hard to be intimate. I also didn’t show any appreciation for everything he does for me which also pissed him off.  It’s just hard when you are depressed to show any type of emotion.  So later that night I finally got myself to be intimate and that seemed to make everything okay again.  With all these medications and the ECT, I feel numb but I want to feel numb.  I don’t know how long this relationship is going to last but I do want my boy friend to be happy.

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A Little Better Today

Well I had ECT today and I feel a little better.  The doctor also upped another one of my meds. My Mother was a great disappointment today though.  She took me to ECT but she was so concerned about getting back to the house to get the mail, because someone might steal it, that she wouldn’t even help me out of the car when we made it back.  She went straight to the mail box when we got to her place.  I had to make it into the house on my own.   Luckily I wasn’t that dizzy.

Later my boy friend picked me up and took me home.  I was able to get some house work done,  which was great, I haven’t been able to do that in a while.  I also got a couple phone calls from friends and I felt better after.  I felt like I had a little more support.

I Miss My Baby

me and tristan cherry blossom

I miss my son so much.  Ever since I gave over full custody temporarily till I am mentally better , I have been in agony.  I have not seen him in 3 weeks.  I go and sit in his room and I just sit and cry holding onto one of his stuffed animals.  This is so hard.  I don’t want him to see me depressed though.  I want him to have a stable life.  I know what it’s like to have an unstable Mother and it’s part of the reason I am so messed up.  I get to see him on Saturday for the day so I am excited about that.  I will be so happy to see him.  I am taking him to the park for the day.  I wish I could have him longer but I know this is best for now.

Silent Screams

I am at a loss.  My depression has taken over my life.  I need to find the strength to rise out of this pile of shit that I have created.  I go in for ECT tomorrow , something that my whole family is against.  I just want to feel better and I want to feel supported.  The only support I have is my boy friend and I told him to move out so he doesn’t drown with me.  I’m going to be all alone but that’s what I want.  I did this, this is my mess.  My illness, I don’t want to bring anyone down with me.

How much pain should one person have to go through?  I’m just looking forward to being put to sleep tomorrow when they do my ECT, so I have a moment of peace from this pain.

Can’t Sleep

I can’t sleep.  My eyes are blood shot with tears and my face is puffy.  I am so stressed its not even funny.  I lost my son, I’m soon to lose my job, I don’t know how long we can live here.  I need to pull my retirement out but it wont let me till the end of the month.  I consolidated all my debt, so now my credit score is going to go way down.  I wont be able to move .  I need to file my taxes and pay a bunch of money on that.  On top of all of this I’m going to see if I can have surgery.  The ECT treatments just aren’t working anymore, so I want to get the vagus nerve stimulation surgery.  Its basically a pace maker for your brain.  I’m desperate. I don’t want to be depressed anymore, its ruining my life. Giving up full custody of my son was the last straw.  I know it was my choice but I want whats best for my son.  My son needs a stable life and I can’t give that to him right now, and it kills me.  If I wasn’t depressed I wouldn’t be in this mess.

My Plan

I know I haven’t blogged in a few days but I came up with a plan.  I decided I’m going on disability retirement.  I can’t stand my job and can’t go back due to my depression.  I’m going to put a down payment on a mobile home in mobile home park and I’m going move into there and I’m going to own it.  I know they are ugly but they are roomy and it’s almost like living in a house but more affordable. So this is my plan for me and my son.  I know this process will take time.  I’ll probably need an attorney for the disability.  This will be a long process but I willing to fight.

I’ve had 19 shocks of ECT and I am still having depression symptoms.  I’m thinking about surgery.  There is a surgery called  Vagus Nerve Stimulation.  example is below;

vagus

I know it’s a risky surgery but I’m desperate.

A Hard Decision

Well I made a hard decision today.  I decided I’m going on disability retirement for my depression and autoimmune disease.  I’m done, I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t be missing work like this all the time.  I know I’m going to take a major pay cut and I’m going to have to make some sacrifices but I know in the end this is for the best.   I hate my job,  I don’t want to go back.  I have been there 14 years and I am ready to let that place go and focus on getting better and on my family.

Awake

Well its’s 2:30 am and I woke up to side hurting.  I thought it was my stomach sore from the ECT but its actually my lower ribs.  They feel bruised.  I must have had a violent seizure or something.  I do wonder how long I am going to do this.  I’m scared I’m going to have to depend on it and maybe I already am.  I’m not sure what to do.  I hope this mew medication helps.