Well I can’t sleep. It’s getting close to August 31st. Which is the anniversary of my best friends death. Usually I take a drive up to Julian but I can’t drive because of my ECT treatments. My boyfriend has not been very nice to me lately but hes trying to make up for it. He doesn’t like it when I’m on the computer. Its my hobby though, I do my art work on it. He also doesn’t like that I am spending time with other people that I haven’t spent time with in years. I don’t like being told what to do or who I can or can’t hang out with. This will only push me away.
Well I have ECT tomorrow. It will be my 10th treatment. I have 10 more to go. Originally I thought it was 12 treatments but it looks like its going to be 20. I have been kinda of stressed out lately. I haven’t wanted to be touched. I have a lot on my mind. I’m really worried what they are saying about me at work. I know I shouldn’t care what other people think but I can’t help it. I’m getting electric shock for peat sake. I really don’t want to be depressed though. I am desperate. Depression destroyed my life and I am willing to do any thing to make it go away. I lost my marriage, my friends, my family, my house, and now I may lose my job. I’ll sit in that mental hospital and get electrocuted any day if meant getting any of those things back.
So its 3:00 am and I can’t sleep. I have ECT this morning, which I’m not really looking forward to. I know it’s helping my depression but this memory loss thing is scaring me a little. I also in a way miss being inpatient in the hospital while getting ECT because I can relate to other people going through the same thing. I have about 5 more treatments to go before I am finished.
Well I feel pretty good this morning and I am going to be meeting a friend for breakfast. I have not seen her almost 3 years. The last time I saw her, she served me my divorce papers. So it will be nice to see her again on better terms. I always hated the fact my ex husband had my friends serve me divorce papers. I think he thought it would make things easier for me but in turn it just made things more complicated and awkward.
Well today I had my ECT and it went pretty well. I feel a little better, less emotional. I have not talked to Jesse today, which is good. So no crying spells. I e-mailed an old friend the other day but I haven’t heard back. I think Jesse has turned her against me. Oh well, I guess I’m going to head to bed. I’m tired.
Well I’m pretty excited. My boyfriend and I are going to have a hand fasting on Jan 15th. It will mark our 2 year anniversary. My son will be the ring bearer. I can’t wait to pick out a dress and decor and stuff. I just need to figure out where we are going to do this. I picked out my ring already and it’s awesome.
Well I have ECT this morning. I hope it makes me feel better. I’m going to stop talking to my ex for a while. The ball is in court now. I’m going to leave him alone. Besides I think I’m searching for some sort of approval from him that I’m not going to get. I need to focus on me right now and not what he thinks or what his wife thinks. The fact is I’m doing the best I can right now by getting help at the mental hospital.
Well I went to my ECT appointment today at the hospital and it went very well. I had no side effects and I feel great. I almost feel odd because I don’t feel so depressed. I’m looking forward to tomorrow. I get to see a friend I haven’t seen in almost 3 years. We kind of lost contact with each other after the divorce. Mainly because I pushed everyone away. I was also butt hurt because she is the one who served me divorce papers. She also told my husband at the time that I was in love with someone else. I don’t blame her for any of the things she did. She thought she was doing the right thing. I should have told my husband the truth, I just didn’t want to hurt him but I guess there was no avoiding that.
I just realized something today. I really hope my ex husband doesn’t know about my blog. I don’t post it on any social media sites anymore but I used to. I don’t think he would care enough to read my blog though so I don’t think I have anything to worry about.
I’m going to be okay. Everything is fine. I just need to keep telling myself that. I’ve read that ECT can erase parts of peoples long term memories. Sometimes I wish it would do that to me so I wouldn’t have this pain anymore.
Well I have another ECT treatment tomorrow morning. I’m starting to not get as nervous about them anymore. Every time I have one, I start to feel better. I’m really lucky to have a supportive boyfriend that can take me.