Without

How can I make you see
How do I make you understand
For all these years now
I’ve been telling the truth

I’ll always be here
I’ll never leave
I’ll never turn away
I’ll make you believe

I know it doesn’t matter what you say
It shows in everything I’m not
I try to reach through
I try to make you see
I’m lost here alone
Without you

How can I withstand this
How do I make it on my own
For all this time now
All I’ve known is you
And I’ll wait forever

If it means you’ll finally find a way
To see I’ll never change, never break
This I won’t forsake
Hold on, I won’t let us fall apart

Drowning

I’m not starting out well this year.  I have missed a bunch of work already.  I am drowning in medications.  I feel like I’m losing this battle.  I feel like I am failing as a mother.  I am so tired of doctors and hospitals.  I need to get better, I have bills to pay.  I wouldn’t be surprised if work is trying to find a way to fire me from all the time I’ve taken off.  I am so unhappy with myself.  I am so over weight right now which doesn’t help my self esteem.  My ex is going to take almost full custody of my son temporarily till I get things figured out.  I feel so guilty but at the same time I need to get better and I don’t want my son to see me struggle.

Savior

Until you crash, until you burn
Until you lie, until you learn
Until you see, until you believe

Until you fight, until you fall
Until the end of everything at all
Until you die, until you’re alive

Don’t save me, don’t save me
‘Cause I don’t care
Don’t save me, don’t save me
‘Cause I don’t care

Until you give, until youve used
Until youre lost, until you lose
Until you see, how could you believe?

Until you’ve lived a thousand times
Until you’ve seen the other side
This is my chance, this is my chance

Don’t save me, don’t save me
‘Cause I don’t care
Don’t save me, don’t save me
‘Cause I don’t care

Until the truth becomes a lie
Until you change, until you deny
Until you believe

This is my chance, this is my chance
I’ll take it now because I can
This is my chance, I want it now

Don’t save me, don’t save me
‘Cause I don’t care
Don’t save me, don’t save me
‘Cause I don’t care

Save me, save me
Save me, save me
Save me, save me
I don’t care!

-30 seconds to mars

I Hate This

I can’t sleep.  I am so disgusted with myself.  I am so tired of being this over weight. I look at pictures a year ago and I looked okay. I think I’m starting to obsess about it.  This is the most I have ever weighed.  I didn’t even weigh this much with my son. I need to stay strong with my self control.  I’m going to start monitoring my weight every day and I’m staying away from bad foods and eating out.  I hope just by doing this will help. A big part of my weight gain is my medications.  I hope I see a difference soon.  I can’t stand this anymore.  I used to be pretty.  Now I don’t even bother doing my make up or dressing nice.  I’m just a fat blob now at 216 pounds. I HATE IT!!!

Change

I have a lot on my mind lately.  I want to make a lot of changes in my life.  I need to lose a lot of weight and start being healthier.  I can’t believe I have let myself go so much.  I know part of it is my medications but I don’t even remember the last time I put on make up.  I barely fit in any of my clothes.  It’s been a long time since I have felt pretty.

I know I have been through a lot in the last three years with being ill, going through a divorce, having my heart broken, battling major depression, getting suspended from work and everything else.  I have been through a lot.  Which also contributed to me getting addicted to vicodin , xanax and drinking all the time.

I should be happy, I have a wonderful son and a great boy friend.  I wish I just knew how rise up from all this shit.

I keep having memories of the past and it’s just been eating away at me.  I miss friends and family I lost during the divorce.  I have been trying to re connect with some of them but they don’t respond.  It makes me feel very sad.

On a positive note my insurance company accepted my prescription for Humira.  I have been waiting a year for this medication to be approved for my Ankylosing Spondylitis.  I really hope this injection makes me feel better and have less pain.