Painful Words

So I picked up my son from school today.  It’s the beginning of our week together.  Lately every time I pick him up from school he says he wants to go to his Dad’s and not my house.  I know he doesn’t realize it hurts me when he says that but it does hurt.  I try so hard to make him happy,  I even spoil him when I know I shouldn’t.

Sometimes I think to myself that he would be better off with out me.  What if the confusion of divorce is too hard on him?  My ex is married, owns a home and is now a good Christian.  I am battling with mental illness and autoimmune disease.  I live in a small apartment, I live pay check to pay check.  I can’t compete with them.

If I gave up custody, it would kill me but I want whats best for my son.  I just don’t know what to do.

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Self Medication

My depression has been out of control this year.  I really hope next year is better.  I’m on so many medications for my depression.  I sometimes wonder if they are over medicating me.  I have had a really rough time.  My boy friend is supportive but he does a lot of self medication.  So it’s hard to relate because I try not to self medicate too much.  Self medication just makes me worse in the long run.

Let Myself Go

There are a lot of  things I want to change about my self this new year.  I have really let myself go.  I’ve been sick a lot and I’m on so medications, it’s amazing I even function.  I have gained 60 pounds and I don’t take care of myself.  I feel like I need a big wake up call to steer me in the right direction.

My goal is to lose the weight.  I know what to do, it’s just having the will power to do it.

Off Today

Well its the day after Christmas.  I feel a little off today.  I’m not sure if its my meds or just being exhausted from all the excitement of Christmas.  I plan to make some big changes at the beginning of the new year.  I plan to lose weight and I’m going to keep a log of my progress.  I also plan to get back on track with work.   I really hope next year is better for me.  I have had a tough year.  I have been battling my depression really hard this year, along with other health problems.

 

Disapointed

Well it is Christmas day and I have my son today.  My ex brought him over this morning to open presents.  He was so excited and he got everything he wanted and more.  Over all today went really well.  I had a wonderful time with my boy friends family. There was only one problem today…that is bothering me.  My son wants to be with his Dad.  Even though I got him everything he wanted…he still would rather be with his Dad.  I feel hurt and disappointed.  Some times I think well maybe he would be better off with out me.  Maybe I should just give up custody.  I don’t know, but I’m really sad about it.

Another Pill

Well I have been out of work again on FMLA for a couple days now.  I haven’t been doing so well.  My hip has been hurting a lot and my depression has been up and down along with my anxiety.  My doctor also put me on more medication to counter act the weight gain from the other medications I’m on.  So now I am on 1 antidepressant, 2 anti psychotics, and 2 mood stabilizers.  Some times I wonder if this is the right thing for my brain.  The holidays are coming up which means more added stress.  Don’t get me wrong I like the holidays, I just don’t like the memories that come back to haunt me from before I was divorced,  it makes me sad sometimes.