Gossip / I Hate Mondays

Today has been one of worst Mondays of my life.  First I forgot my badge for work and didn’t realize till I was almost at work, so I had to turn around and go back.  Then my manager said there were people spreading rumors that I went to Vegas for my Birthday and that’s why I was off work for a week.  I was so pissed.  I wish I went to Vegas, shit I wish my life was that exciting.  Well I have doctor notes to back up my story as to why I was off.  I’m just tired of the drama.  There is so much drama at work, its crazy.

Sunday

Well its Sunday.  I have work tomorrow, which I dread.  I have to face it though.  I feel like there is this film all over me.  I have no motivation, everything is hard.  I can’t even get myself to put my clothes away. I managed to take my son to the pumpkin patch and out to dinner but that’s all I was able to do.  I feel guilty, that I can’t do much.  I see my doctor on Thursday.  I hope he does something to help because the meds aren’t working.  I am 128 days sober though.

Magic Pill

Well I have been off work for a week now.  I do feel a little better but still depressed.  I got some good news though.  Some one wants to publish my art in a World Artist book.  I’m excited but I do have to pay a price of 1200 to get published.  Seems a bit steep but they have a payment plan.  I tried drawing the other night, it did not go well.  Nothing I draw is coming out the way that I want.  I’m assuming its my depression.

My depression has been really bad the last few months.  Its up and down.  I think its causing a strain on my relationship.  I know it did when I was married.  I keep sleeping on the couch because I feel like I need space and I haven’t wanted to be intimate at all.  I wish that there was a magic pill to make my depression go away, because the 4 medications I’m on are not cutting it.

Stuck

Well I stayed home from work again.  I am really struggling.  I just don’t understand.  I am on three different medications for my depression.  They upped my abilfy and I have not seen an improvement.  I just don’t know what to do.  I feel like my brain is stuck and everything is so hard.  I’m hoping my doctor calls me back today.  I’m going to ask for a vitamin B12 injection in hopes that might help.

I Hate It

Well I couldn’t make it to work today.  I tried and the longer I thought about going, the more time went by. I don’t know what to do.  I’m going to lose my job , the more I let my depression take hold of me.  I’m on so many medications, you would think depression wouldn’t be a problem.  My lower back does hurt a lot which isn’t helping.  I hate work, I even hate the idea of driving there.  I just hate it

My Birthday

Well today is my Birthday.  It is also the anniversary of my Grandfathers death. I watched my Grandfather die on my Birthday 9 years ago.   He also died at the exact same time I was born.  Watching some one die in the hospital is not at all like the movies.  As soon as they took my Grandfather off life support, it was the longest half hour of my life.  Watching him drown in his own bile and taking his last breath was horrifying to watch.  The hospital ran out of rooms too and we had to watch him leave this world in the ER. Ever since then, my Birthday has kind of been a downer. I try to remember my Grandfather for he was and not how he died.

Depression

If you don’t think your anxiety, depression, sadness and stress impact your physical health, think again. All of these emotions trigger chemical reactions in your body, which can lead to inflammation and a weakened immune system. Learn how to cope, sweet friend. There will always be dark days.

Kris Carr

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/k/kriscarr520796.html#qqhHdExPa6XUjUky.99

Love Me

I’m not perfect
I spend my time alone
I get bored fast
I don’t answer my phone
I wake up too late
I tell little white lies
God knows I drink too much
I have secrets I still hide

Can you love me
Love me
If not forever then just for today
I promise to try and get better
Cause I know now
Love is all that matters

I’m unreliable
Don’t have a back-up plan
I’ll forget your birthday present
I’ll expect you to understand
I’m impatient
I act tougher than I am
I wonder if all the people I love
Even know I love them

Can you love me
Can you love me
If not forever then just for today
I promise to try and get better
Cause I know now
Love is all that matters

Yes I know now
Love is all that matters

I wanna be good
I want lots of friends too
I wanna laugh more and cry less
I wanna be like you
I wanna love myself
I wanna do what I say I’ll do
I wanna be less antisocial
I wanna be more like you

Can you love me
Can you love me
If not forever then just for today
I promise to try and get better
Cause I know now
Love is all that matters

Yes I know now
Love is all that matters

–Lunic