So I’m struggling again. I woke up this morning and I just couldn’t go to work. I stared off into space for a couple hours and stared at my phone dreading calling my boss. I finally called my boss but he is not happy with me. I don’t blame him though. I see my psychiatrist today so I’ll get a doctors note to cover today. I think one of my medications isn’t working. I feel like I did a couple months ago before I went to treatment. I hate it when my depression wins me over. I need to go to work and make a pay check.
Depression for me is like a huge weight that just takes over my whole body and mind. Then the anxiety comes and makes it worse. I’m on 4 medications for depression, you would think they would work. I am in the sever stages of PMDD right now, so that could be part of the problem. Any ways I’m just tired of depression controlling my life.
On top of all this my lower back has been killing me and I’m afraid my arthritis has spread to my back. I get an x ray done this week to see.
So it’s been a while since I blogged. I am 96 days sober and it’s getting a little easier. A lot has happened. I have been working full time and I have been busy being a single mom. I’m back to my life, just with out the xanax and alcohol to get me through. I’ve been able to sleep in my bed again and not on the couch. I have been getting along with ex husband. We have had no major disagreements for a while now.
My next goal is to take care of my weight. With all the antidepressants I’m on, I have gained about 50 pounds. It’s getting harder to move around and my joints hurt more, I can’t fit in any of my clothes…it has just gotten out of control. I am going to join the weight management program through the hospital again. It really helped last time I did it. I lost 20 pounds in 2 months. Its expensive but it really works. It’s through Sharp.
Things between my boy friend are good. We found a computer game that we can play together. We have been playing minecraft and it’s been fun. My son plays with us too. Yes I know…I’m kind of a nerd.
Well I’m almost done with my third week back at work. I have been sober for 76 days now. I have to admit that ever since I went back to work, I have been craving alcohol. I miss winding down from the day with a glass of wine. I know that I’m doing the right thing by staying sober though. My medications have been working very well. The Busbar has really helped with my anxiety. I have been sleeping a lot better and I haven’t had to take my sleeping pills.
My son has been misbehaving at school which has really stressed me out. I know he has gone through a lot the last couple months. He has been to three different schools in a matter of 4 months. He keeps asking questions about the divorce and I keep trying to change the subject. I told my ex about it but I don’t think he believes me. I really think we should both sit down and talk to him about the divorce, so he understands that its not his fault. I just want my son to not be so angry. Sometimes I blame myself. I worry that my depression and addiction is to blame even though I hid both from him.