Well I haven’t been doing so well all weekend. I have horriable PMDD symtoms but luckily I started my period today. I have been cranky and tired. I have tried to get my son out as much as possible even though Im not doing so well.
I made it through 2 weeks of work and Im glad Im making a pay check again but damn is it hard. Ive been sober for 72 days. Its getting easier staying sober. I think about the cravings less now.
My son keeps asking me divorce questions. Its been really hard to answer his questions. He wants to know if his Dad is friends with me. I keep saying I dont know. I dont want to tell him no. I dont want to tell him that his Dad doesnt want to be my friend, no matter how hard I try. Its just been
a hard week.
I had the craziest day yesterday. I went to the store after work and I got some groceries and I accidentally left my wallet in the shopping basket in the parking lot. When i realized my wallet was missing and I went back to retrieve it…it was gone. I panicked and I called the bank to have all my cards turned off. Then about an hour after I did this, I received a call back from my bank. They said someone called in with my information and they left their phone number for me to call to get my wallet back. I called the person who found my wallet and incidentally they live in the house I used to live in. My old address was still on my drivers licence, and someone dropped my wallet off with them. I went to my old house and I amazingly got my wallet back.
What is so ironic about all this is that I have been avoiding driving past my old house for two years because it hurts so much. It was my aunt and uncles home and it was devastating losing that house during my divorce. When I went to get my wallet, the lady who lives there let me in the house. I never thought I would step foot in that house again. It looked a little different but not much different. My uncles plants are still growing in the front yard, which I was happy about. I am so grateful that there are good people out there. I am grateful that a good person lives in my old house. The whole situation triggered a lot of memories and I was in a state of panic all at the same time.
When I thought my wallet was gone for good. There was a moment where I wanted a glass of wine. Luckily every thing worked out and I stayed sober.
Today was rough. I was really depressed today at work. I had no interest in doing anything. I got some things done but not as much as I should have. I know its because I stopped the Abilify. I have been off it for two days. I have been tapering off it for a week now so that I can start losing weight. The medication has caused me to gain 40 pounds. I went a head and took the Abilify when I got home from work. I was dumb for even trying to stop it, without talking to my doctor first. Well now I know. I can’t afford to miss work from my depression, so I will continue to take it till I figure something out with my doctor.
Well mentally I am doing okay. My doctor has me on cymbalta, zyprexa, abilify and busbar…..thats a lot of meds for my brain. So far so good though. I have interest in things again and my anxiety has gone down a lot. I’m finally sleeping better and I haven’t had to take my sleep medication. I can’t wait till I’m off the abilify. It has caused me to gain 40 pounds.
I kind of miss going to treatment at the hospital. I met a lot really nice people there, plus I was able to relate to them. Now that I’m back in the real world of work and challenges, I feel almost lonely not having people like me around. I need to find an AA meeting that I actually like. The one I went to was good but I didn’t really fit in.
Well I got through my first week back at work. Luckily it looks like they aren’t going to fire me. They need me there. I guess that’s a good thing. I must say it is a challenge coping with stress sober. I was so used to popping that xanax to wind down after work or have a glass of wine that would turn into a bottle. I realized that I need to come up with more things to do while being sober. Today I went out eat with my boyfriend and went watched the sunset. We also rented some movies. It’s definitely a good change, instead of wondering when my next drink will be. Most of the time when I would drink, I would just sit and dwell on things. I wasn’t productive at all. Now I’m productive but I like food too much. I have gained so much weight from eating and my meds.
I am 64 days sober today. I decided that it’s time I apologize to every one I hurt when I was drinking. I figured I would write letters to all those I lost. I pushed a lot of people away during my divorce. I don’t expect forgiveness or friendship. It’s more for me, so I can move on.
Well i got through my first day of work. I was afraid that everyone would ask why I was gone but they didn’t. I was so relieved. The only thing that sucks is have no access to my computer programs because I was out so long. I need to get used to my manager again. She talks a million miles a minute and its hard to keep up. It is a good feeling that I am not in trouble and they aren’t planning on firing me for being off so long.
I was a little self concious at work because I have gained so much weight from the Abilify. I started lowering my dose to tapper off if it. I have gained 30 pounds in 6 months. It sucks because none of my clothes fit me right and I sluggish all the time from carrying around the extra weight. I have been on brusbar for a few days now and it seems to be helping with anxiety, which is good.
Well I go back to work tomorrow for the first time in 2 months. I am super nervous about it but I think my new medication is helping with the anxiety. I had a good weekend with my boy friend and son. I am a little burnt out but I’m doing okay. It is going to be so surreal going back to work. I have been so used to going to treatment. I need to find an AA meeting that I like. The last one I went to was good but I was one of the only girls and I was also the youngest one there. I still need to do my 12 steps and read the big book. I am 58 days sober today. I need to get my 60 day token soon. Any ways I hope I have an okay day at work tomorrow. I know i’ll have a lot to catch up on.
Well I went to my psychiatrist yesterday and it went really well. He prescribed me a new medication called Brusbar for my anxiety. He also thinks I am suffering from borderline agoraphobia. I have been diagnosed before by another doctor. I really hope this medication helps when I go back to work. Work is going to be stressful and will be a potentially a big trigger to start drinking again. I’m not having any cravings for alcohol but i do miss my xanax . I used xanax so much to do my every day tasks. My depression is a lot better, its just the anxiety that I need to deal with. I hate that I have to add another medication to 8 medication cocktail, but I need to be able to function.
Well my son started kindergarten yesterday. I’m very excited for him. I completed my treatment program on Wednesday. Its time for me to go back to work on Monday. I’m so nervous about going back to work. I’m worried about everyone asking why I was gone for 2 months. I don’t feel comfortable saying “I was gone for chronic depression and alcohol abuse”. I think I’ll just tell people I was gone for chronic depression. I’m also worried that they will try to fire me when I come back. If they do, i’ll just take out my retirement and look for another job.
I wish I could follow this advise….
Do not compare yourself with others. Comparing always leads to unhappiness. You will learn that there will always be someone more beautiful, smarter, more successful, “happier”, etc. Later, as you embrace your future completely, you will realize that comparing yourself with others, for the most part, is totally futile. You are not that person, and your life should look quite different from that of others. If it is a carbon copy of your neighbors, you are most likely not living your own life, but simply “keeping up with Jones family”, to use a common phrase.
Instead, try setting a new example. Try to be one who inspires others. Show up as you wish others to be. Be a friend, rather than look for a friend. Be a good partner, business person, student, etc. It is a lot more fun and productive than comparing yourself or trying to make everyone and everything else conform to your desires.
Letting go also applies to the jaded fear-based and ego-based voices that often whisper in our ears, and serve only to confuse and hold us back. Identifying these false voices and learning to ignore them gets easier with practice.
Letting go may involve questioning every belief system you have ever been taught. Ask yourself, does this belief fit the reality that I am loved by the Creator infinitely more than I can imagine?
by Lawrence Wilson, MD