Trying to get Better

So I’m still not doing well. I went to my sisters today so I wouldn’t be alone today. It helped to talk because she battles mental illness as well. Both my sister and my boyfriend convinced me to stop taking xanax. I have been prescribed xanax for 5 years now. I flushed them down the toilet. It was very hard to do. I’ll be joining a dual diagnosis treatment program next week. I also see my psychiatrist again tomorrow because the new medication he put me on is just making me worse.

I’m still having trouble functioning. I swear the couch is sucking my soul. I keep on staring out into space for hours, not wanting to move. I have no interest in anything, I can’t even turn the tv on. It took a lot for me to even write this blog to be honest. I feel like I’m drowning and its hard to take a deep breath. My ex husband is watching my son while I try to recover. I don’t want my son seeing me like this.

Out of Control

Well my depression was the worst it’s ever been yesterday. I even called the psychiatric hospital to see if they would admit me but they wouldn’t because I wasn’t suicidal. My anxiety is so bad I can’t think clearly, I keep getting a low grade fever and panic attacks. I don’t know if its the new medication that is making me worse or if my meds aren’t working at all. All I know is that I need help, and I need it as soon as possible. The Psychiatric hospital called my psychiatrist and he wants to see me this week. I need to call him this morning. I have to go into work today to get paper work from HR to do a leave of absence and hopefully they will approve leave donations while I am in a full time outpatient program at the psychiatric hospital. I hope my state disability goes through to but I’m just not sure because disability is different for federal employees. I am so stressed out, I can’t even think straight. I have asked my ex husband to watch my son this week while I get treatment. I don’t want my son to see me this depressed. I watched my mom go through severe depression and I don’t want to expose him to this if I can help it.

I feel like my brain is spiraling out of control and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I don’t feel like doing anything or going any where. I just want to stare off into space for hours. I just really need help.

Growing Up With Mental Illness

I grew up in a family of mental illness and drug abuse. When I was a child I was happy but extremely shy. My mother battled horrible OCD,depression and PMDD but she never sought help…so I’m guessing on what she has but I’m not a doctor. She would have these uncontrollable out bursts when ever she would lose something or if we were late to something. Small things would trigger her outbursts, she would threaten suicide all the time but never attempted it. She would call all us kids failures, even though we all have amazing talents. My sister and my brother have both attempted suicide and got into hard drugs. My sister has actually attempted 3 times and has been admitted to the hospital. I think I saw and heard too much as a child, which made me grow up quick and my happiness for life diminished.

I never thought I would be battling mental illness myself. I used to always tell myself “I’ll never be like that. I’ll never be addicted to anything or be depressed.” Yet here I am battling depression and anxiety. I used to have a drinking problem for a while but I only drink on the weekends now and I am very addicted to my e-cig. I feel like the older I get, the worse my depression gets. My mother has calmed down ever since she went through menopause. Her OCD is out of control but she doesn’t have those horrible out bursts anymore. I’m just afraid that I am not going to find relief from my depression till I’m in my 60’s.

My mother was adopted and I still don’t know who my real grandparents are. I wonder if one them suffered from mental illness because it doesn’t really run in the family on my dads side. One day I would like to find out. I just don’t know how to go about doing it. I worry for my son, because I don’t want him to inherit mental illness. I try so hard to hide my illness from him because I don’t want him to go through what I went through as a child. I want him to be a kid for as long as possible and enjoy it and not know about the challenges of adulthood and illness.

There’s Always Something

Well I was supposed to do an art show this weekend but I had to drop out. My depression is too bad to handle something like that right now. I feel bad, it was a good opportunity for me. I just need to focus on getting better so I can work again. I haven’t been able to draw at all. I haven’t been able to do much of any thing lately. It took all my strength to go to my sons pre-school graduation a couple days ago. I just want to sit on the couch and stare off into space for hours. The thoughts just poor in and I stress out and then my anxiety starts up. I haven’t noticed an improvement with this new medication yet.

On a good note my arthritis pain has been a lot better, now that it has warmed up. I still have stiffness all over my body but it’s not as bad as it was. I haven’t had to take my anti-inflammatory meds or my steroids for a month now.

My boy friend is a officially moved into my place. I know he is probably scared now because of my work situation. I’m scared too, because I’m not sure if I can pay the bills either. I don’t know how long the disability process will take or even if they will approve it. At least he understands my depression which is good because he battles mental illness him self.

I’m still waiting for my blood and biopsy results. I hope they come in soon, I hate waiting for results. I do this stupid hypochondriac thing where I browse the internet to figure out what might be wrong with me. I think I just stress myself out even more.

I Made it Through

Well I made it through my sons graduation. I met my ex husbands wife for the first time. It turned out to be easier than I thought. I know there will be more of these events to come. My anxiety was medium during the whole thing. The real test is when I have to end up seeing my ex in laws.

My Depression isn’t any better. I keep sitting on the couch staring into space. I have been having trouble getting my responsibilities done. I’m stressed shitless still about my disability not going through. I don’t know what I’m going to do about money. Who know how long this whole disability thing take to process. All I know is that I can’t get myself to work. I can’t focus, I get confused easily and my memory has been crap.

Too many Thoughts

I can’t stop thinking and dwelling on everything. I woke up this morning and my brain is just so full of thoughts and worries. I have a lot to do today. I am helping my boyfriend pack his stuff and then I have my sons graduation. I am so scared to see my ex in laws and my ex husbands new wife. I am so insecure because i have gained so much weight from all the meds I’m on. I know I need to be strong and go but I am scared shitless.

My Depression is Getting in the Way

So it’s 1:00 am, and I can’t sleep but I realized something. I have been stressing all week about getting disability and how am I going to pay my bills. How long is it going to take to get loan from my retirement…and so on. Basically I’ve been stressing about how I am going to survive and support my son and also be able to do the outpatient treatment program for my depression. Well I think I found a way to do this. I’ll work part time and use my FMLA for the days I have treatment at the hospital. I think this a good idea, I can still work and keep my job and get the help I need. I’ll still get a steady pay check and I wont have to worry about when I’m going to get a disability check.

Any ways I’m stressed to no end. I have to see my ex in laws and my ex husbands wife today…I haven’t seen my ex in laws in 2 years and I have never met him wife. My son is graduating pre-school. I have so much anxiety about going but it’s my right to be able to see my son graduate…I mean shit I carried him for 9 months and gave birth to him….I am not going to chicken out because I am scared of them.

As side from all that I haven’t been able to draw or do much of anything all week. My depression has never been this bad. I really hope my new meds help. Shit I’m on 4 medications just for depression and anxiety…I would hope at least one of them should make me feel better. I have an art show tomorrow but I’m not going. I also turned down an art opportunity in Napa. My Depression has really taken a hold on my life right now and it’s not fair.

Cocoon

Even though I know it’s only chemical
These peaks and valleys are beginning to take their toll
Try to convince myself that all it takes is time
But the most derisive voice I hear is mine

It opens all the scars on me
It leaves me shaken in my belief
It takes my hand just to drag me down
It makes me a stranger in the crowd

Give me isolation just for now
I feel a hard rain coming down
I promise that I will be back soon
But for now I’ll return to my cocoon

There is thunder in the distance and the sky grows gray
There is lighting in the clouds in search of prey
It’s not a matter of if as much as when
The clouds will break and the rainfall will begin

Cracks in the chrysalis spread out like tiny snakes
That hiss a litany of rumors and mistakes
But I’m afraid their cause is fraught with futility
There is nothing more that they can take from me

==Assemblage 23

I’m Stuck

well I went to my psychiatrist and he put me on a new medication called Olanzapine. So now I am on 3 medications for my depression. He gave me short term disability paper work so I can join an out patient program. The only problem is, I work for the government and they don’t allow short term disability….so I’m stuck. I’m not sure what to do. I can apply for disability retirement but I’ll lose my job. I keep thinking well I hate my job so maybe I should leave but what am I going to do when I get better? I have a son to support but I also need to take care of me. I took rest of the week off to try and get my depression under control with this new medication. I hope to go back to work on Monday.