Ramblings

Darkness spills its disease
Anxiety looms

Trust is faltered
Truth is turned into lies

Depression starts to grow
and thoughts billow

Each breath gets tighter
Each sip turns into weakness

Every word is meaningless
Every Memory is lost

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Negative Thinking

So I went to my first good therapy session in 4 years a couple days ago. I was so amazed how much I have changed in 4 years. In a way I have come full circle. When I last saw my therapist was when things were starting to go south in my marriage. I have a lot of unresolved issues concerning my divorce. I think because I went through a lot alone and I didn’t really have a support system. I have buried so much of my past down to some deep dark place in my mind. It’s going to be very hard to go back on my past and face it all.

I’m very lost right now. I am unhappy with work and I am tired of being sick. I know I should be happy. I just had a art show, I have a great boy friend that is moving in, I have a lot of changes coming up in my life but I just don’t know how to be happy. I keep latching onto things in my mind and dwelling on them. Why can’t my mind just be at peace? Its this unrelenting cycle I go through every day. Once I’m done fixating on one negative thing, I switch to a new negative thought.

Awake

I am lost
The footprints that I left have disappeared
For now I am driving blind

Accelerate
Without a destination to welcome me
This road is just an endless loop

CH
Every time I close my eyes
The noise inside me amplifies
I can’t escape
I relive every moment of the day
Every misstep I have made
Finds a way it can invade
My every thought
And this is why I find myself awake

Directionless
The letters on the signs have long since faded
The sky conspires to swallow me

Paid the price
For burning all the maps to warm myself
I threw their ashes to the wind

(CH)

Walk away
Time to leave the realm of the familiar
To find a place where sleep can come

Hesitate
For one last time I shout into the sky
To wake the ones I’ll leave behind

–Assemblage 23

Read more: Assemblage 23 – Awake Lyrics | MetroLyrics

I just Couldn’t do it

So I’m having a depressing day today. I got up for work and took a shower and then the anxiety started. I couldn’t get myself to go into work today, even though I have been off for 3 day days. I’m not sure what is wrong. I just had this feeling of dread thinking about going to work. I know my PMDD has started so my hormones are off again but it shouldn’t be this bad. I had panic attacks calling into work this morning. I just wanted to sleep and pretend the world would just go away. Now I have been sitting on the couch in my robe staring into space for hours. I think maybe I put my brain through too much with the art show, work and being a single mom. I think my brain just freaked out at the idea of work today. I know I will be behind when I get there and everyone will bug me and i just…. couldn’t do it.

I’m Just Tired

Well I can’t sleep. I have a lot on my mind. I’m so glad my art show is done but at the same time I keep thinking how much I wish this was my career. I go back to work tomorrow. I missed 3 days last week because I had gastritis really bad with some intestinal bleeding. So here I go again, missing work. I keep dreading going back. I keep thinking I’ll be in trouble again, even though I have FMLA. I wish could just go on disability and be done with that place. I’m tired of getting up at 3 am, I’m tired of all the machine noise, I’m tired of all the hazmat chemical smells, I’m tired of the bad politics, I’m tired of listening to airplanes all day…I’m just tired of it all…and I have 20 more years to go.

I have therapy with my old therapist today which is good. I have so much I need to work on. My meds seem to be doing okay. I haven’t had any major episodes of anxiety, except the day of my show. My boy friend moves into my place soon. We decided it would be a smarter way to save money. I am so not used to having someone around all the time anymore. I think this will be good. I think this will help us learn more about each other. I need to get rid of bunch of stuff to make room for his stuff. I have been so tired lately, almost lazy at times. I hope I can get it done this week.