So I have been feeling a little depressed about my job lately. I know I have been messing up with my attendance with my health. I know its very frustrating to supervisors. When I am there I do a good job but I and I work hard but it never seems like enough. I am thinking about disability but I don’t know if I can even be approved or if I can even survive on it. Then I started thinking how much I dislike my job and how I don’t know if I can endure for another 25 years before I retire. It’s a good paying job and I have put in 14 years, I hate to throw that all away. I just wish I could be doing something I enjoy but I know not a lot of people get that luxury.

I just don’y know what to do


Figuring Things Out

So I’m still feeling better, which is good. Work was okay yesterday, even though I only went in for half day to ease back into it. I go back to my usual schedule this morning. The meds seem to be working and I can sleep through most of the night now, which is good. I just need to see if they can change my schedule by a half hour, so I can bring my son to school because my ex has moved far away and he can’t do it anymore and I don’t want to drive all the way out there every morning. Plus the idea that he bought a house and I lost mine still really bothers me. I can’t believe he was expecting me to make that commute every morning, when my mornings are hard enough. In my head I’m saying sarcastically to my ex ” lets just make things harder for the single mother who has health and mental disabilities, while you are remarried now and bought house, lets just make everything inconvenient for Amanda”.

Any ways, whatever. I’ll figure something out. I always do.


To whom it may concern

I have walked a long hard road
Been hurt, thrown down on my face
time and time again

I have lied
I have cheated
I have hidden my true self from people I love
and the world

I have made mistakes
hurt others
drank myself sick
and woken up in my own shame

I have been in pain
and it never goes away
it just gets easier to endure

I have made mistakes as a mother
but I will always love and protect
my child

I have been taken over by illness
and medications
constant injections
endless tests

This is my life
and even though it is filled
with pain and mistakes

I am only human after all

Feeling Better

Okay I’m on day 5 of being on my adjusted meds since my depressive melt down. I feel better, I don’t feel like everything is the end of the world. I can draw again with no issues, and my anxiety is much better. I am nervous about going back to work tomorrow but I have all the doctor documentation to back me up. I will be financially strapped but I’ll work it out, I always do.

It amazes me how much the brain can just take over your life. I seriously had trouble functioning as a single parent. When I had my melt down I hid it from my son pretty well. I think he knew something was wrong but I just told him “mommy is sick” and thank goodness for day care. I am very glad he was able to play with friends and be away from me half the time while my depression was bad.

So its time for my PMDD but shit I feel so much better from what my head just went through, it’s like my PMDD isn’t that big of a deal this month. I am stressed about things but I think I can work through them.

I want to apologize for not keeping up on everyones blog. I have been so messed up in the head in last few weeks. I want to say thank you to all who have taken the time to read my blog and give me advise through this tough time.

Thank you again

Fighting Stress

Well I feel a little better and I think my meds are working but I’m still really stressed out. I thought if I wrote a list of all my stresses maybe I could work through them. Here is goes

–I need to see if my work will let me change my schedule by a half hour so I can take my son to school. My ex moved far away and bought a house and I don’t want get up at 3 am to drive my son there every morning to drop my son off before work

–I am stressed about how I am going to pay 5000 in taxes this year

–I am stressed about spending money for my art show and getting ready for it

–I need to move near my ex husband if my work doesn’t grant me a schedule change. Granted I need to move any way because I can’t handle the two flights of stairs anymore with my condition

–I’m stress about how much my bone density test is going to be

–I need to figure out the mess with my health insurance and them approving me for humira

–I’m stressed because my hips are getting worse

–I’m stressed about trying to stay strong for my son and to keep continuing to go do things that are fun for him even though I’m in pain

–I’m stressed about my relationship

Okay I think that’s about everything. It looks like most of it has to do with money and my health. Hopefully I can work through these things one at a time and be okay. It just sucks because when I stress out, it isn’t just one thing. They all come at me at the same time and I freak out.

Any ways wish me luck, I hope I can get through all this. I know I just need to focus on getting better from this depression episode that I just went through.