A Sense of Confidence

Well my anxiety has gone down from yesterday. I hope my PMDD is coming to end soon. My depression has improved a little because I got accepted to do an art show for the first time in my life. I think I really needed this break. I have been so obsessed with work and the stress from it, that I forgot that I have a talent that I enjoy doing. I feel a sense of confidence, which is good. The last time I felt this way was when I got over my fear of driving.

I am super nervous about the art show, I am worried that I may fail. I have never done this before and I have never been part of the art community. It’s a cocktail attire event. I am not a cocktail dress kind of person. I’m pretty casual when it comes to my personality, so this will be interesting.

Health wise I’m still in pain but now that the weather is warming up, I should be feeling better in the mornings.

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Anxiety Taking Over

Well I’m not doing so well. I’m terrified to go to work. I feel like I am failing as a mother. I am completely filled with anxiety. I know my PMDD is just amplifying everything. I keep on trying to tell myself everything will be okay. I need to get myself and my son ready for the day in an hour. I just want to stay curled up in a ball on the couch. I have lost structure in my life and I keep digging myself deeper into a hole. I hate when I get this way because sometimes I just want to give up and run away. I shouldn’t be thinking this way. So I’m going to write a list a positive things to try and snap me out of this…

I have a great son
I have a good boyfriend
I have friends that care about me
I am a good artist
I have a family that loves me
I’ve accomplished living on my own.
I’ve gotten over my fear of driving
I am a hard worker

Okay I have been reading over this list and it’s not helping much for some reason. My estrogen level must be really low. My psychiatrist had me up my meds during my PMS time but I am not seeing any difference. I feel like I need to talk to someone, but I haven’t picked out a new therapist yet. The therapist I have I only see once month and he just horrible.

I need to talk to work this week about them over working me. I want to be able to go to work and just focus on my job, not 2 other peoples jobs on top of my own. I want to be able to take my breaks without feeling guilty about it. I am afraid that when I talk to work about this, there will be no resolution because they could be over working me on purpose to force me out. I just don’t know if that is my paranoia talking or if that is what is happening.

I just don’t know what to do

Stress

Well I had a great Saturday. Me, my boyfriend and my son went swimming in the pool. I can’t believe its 95 degrees in March. We then went to my parents and had a nice dinner. My boy friend made an incredible impression on my family.

My PMDD is in full swing right now, so my emotions are kinda of every where. I keep having on and off anxiety about work. I need to talk to my boss next week about my work load. It’s just too much for me and it’s not fair and it’s affecting my health. They shouldn’t be putting more and more work on me, when they know I’m not well. They aren’t doing it to the other employees who are healthy, why me. I almost think they are doing it on purpose to force me into disability but that could just be my negative talk in my head. I keep having panic attacks, when I think about work. I am trying so hard to not stress about it. I want to have fun with my son this weekend and I have but the stress keeps haunting me.

Old

When I grow old
And my memory
Leads me deep into the fog where it abandons me
Will you remind me
Of who I used to be
When I was younger?

When I am old
And the hands of time
Have ravaged all the remnants of my fragile mind
Will you still tell me
Of how it used to be
When I was stronger?

If time is cruel
And it takes away
All the recollections of my younger days
Please help me reminisce
Of all these past events
When days were brighter

And years from now
When I can’t recall
The faces and the names I used to know so well
Promise you’ll help me
Regain those memories
When my load was lighter

When we were young
And the world seemed
Full of nothing else but possibility
I still remember
Blankets of whispers
That said ‘Forever’

But if autumn comes
And your love for me
Has withered like the leaves that fall from every tree
Will you lie to me
So I can still believe

By: Assemblage 23

Depression

Pull me down into the depths of
solitude

Envelope me with your arms
of sorrow

Caress my soul with
bitterness and betrayal

Keep me sheltered from
this world

Let me stay here forever in
this isolation

Please don’t let the light
reveal my truth

I know you will never let
me go

I know in the end you will destroy
me

By: Amanda Copehaver

Drown

Your words disguise what you’re feeling now
But I’ve seen that look in your eyes before
Though you don’t want to admit it to me
I feel the disappointment I have caused you

If I drown
Please know it’s not your fault
There was no way you could save me from myself
If I drown
Please know it wasn’t you
I was the one who walked away from your help

I know it’s been years of empty promises
I wanted to follow through I wanted to be more
Though you don’t want to admit it to me
You can’t look at me in the same light anymore

Imperative Reaction – Drown Lyrics