It’s that Time Again: PMDD

So I had this great plan to get rid of some stuff today to feel better about myself, but I failed. My PMDD is just too extreme today. I can barely play with my son. I feel bloated, irritable, lazy and depressed. Noises from out side bother me and constant ramblings of my 4 year old can get annoying….but I don’t let him see that I am annoyed. I was able to draw one picture today but that’s it. I have 4 more days of this before I start my period, so hopefully I will feel better soon. I think being cooped up in the house all week because I have been sick and injured hasn’t helped either. I keep blogging a lot today in hopes of finding some release from writing down my feelings. I think it’s helping a little.

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Day 1 of Letting Go

So today is day 1 of going through stuff and getting rid of things I don’t use or need in the apartment. I’m just going to fill 1 box today to start, because I think this will be hard on me. I’m going to start by letting go of my wedding things first. Even though I have been divorced for almost two years… I still have my veil, wedding goblets, wedding ring, and wedding pictures. This is going to be hard for me, I’m not sure why but I should have done it a while ago. I also have a lot of things that were given to me as gifts from my ex and his family. I figure since they don’t care about me anymore, there’s no reason to keep these things. This is going to be emotionally tough but I think it will pay off in the end.

wish me luck

Don’t Judge Me: Depression

I have always had this problem with negative thoughts looping in my head. I tend to dwell on things a lot. It’s not as bad as it used to be now that I have been on Abilify but they still happen. I can sit and stew on something for hours and it will just become more negative the longer I dwell on it. Usually this act will trigger my anxiety. Then I’ll usually have to take a Xanax to calm myself down. I hate that I have to depend on these drugs to function but I know that with out them, I would be whole lot worse.

I have tried so many natural remedies for depression. I was even paying $400 a month for acupuncture and all these Chinese medicines. I tried using holistic oils and motivation DVD’s. I even turned to GOD and my ex mother in law performed an exorcism on me, talking in tongues and anointing me with oil to cast all the evil spirits away. So it’s not like I didn’t try.

Basically what I am getting at is…I’m tired of people who look down on those that have to take medication for their depression. Depression isn’t something you can control and make go away. I have been judged so many times for my depression. I have even had friends and family that look down on me, because they consider medication a crutch.

Then there are the people who say “well if you eat right and exercise and take all these vitamins”…you will be cured. That’s fine and dandy if that really works for people but it doesn’t work for me. I have spent a lot of time and money going the natural route and it didn’t work…So don’t judge me for my depression or my medications. I am doing a lot better and I am improving my life. In the past I was suffering from borderline agoraphobia and I feared driving. I would have panic attacks just going to the store from social anxiety. I could go on… but the bottom line is that I have come a long way.

Sorry just had to vent there a little. It’s just been a frustrating and rewarding journey

Unsettled Thoughts

The room is still
the light is dim
Unsettled thoughts weave
their cycle of insecurities

I speak to the walls around me
waiting for an answer to this pain
I take a deep breath
wishing I could exhale with my screams

I watch the time slip by
as I dwell on what was
I cry inside my soul
but the tears never come

I take my dose
mask the pain
and wait for the torture to subside
but it never truly goes away

A Typical Day of my Life

A typical day of my life during the week. I’m not really sure why I wanted to share this.

Wake up at 3:00 am from insomnia

Get out of bed in pain again, body stiff as hell

Take my meds

limp into the shower

Get ready for work

Pack lunches

Wake up my son and get him ready for daycare

Feed the cats

Make it down the two flights stairs to the car at 5:15 am

Drop him off at my ex husbands new home

Take a deep breath getting on the freeway, so I don’t panic ( I fear driving)

Work my ass off at work doing three other peoples jobs

Take a deep breath again, clench on the steering wheel on the way home

Exhausted and in pain I get home take a break and say hello to my cats

pick up my son from school

make dinner

Do the dishes if I feel up to it

spend time with my son

make a bath, and get my son ready for bed

Take my meds again

Go to sleep at 8:30pm

Letting Go: Anxiety and Hoarding

If I am feeling better this weekend, I am going to start going through my stuff to give to the Good Will. I have a lot of stuff, it’s not piled every where or anything but my closets and cupboards are just full of stuff. I have kept things from when I was a little girl. I even have a box full of my baby clothes from the 80’s, thinking I would have a girl some day. Most of the dresses are ones my mother made. I still have all my brayer horses and random toys I loved as a child. Then I just have random stuff I bought and forgot about because I stuffed in an unorganized closet.

It’s going to be really hard for me to let go of some of these things. They carry so many memories. I still have my wedding stuff and I have been divorced for two years. I think that stuff will be the first to go because it’s so painful. I wish I could sell some of my stuff but I know I’ll be to lazy to ship anything and I cant have a garage sale because I live in an apartment.

I really want to live a simple life with less stuff. I want to have less memories of the past. I want to know where everything is, instead buying another of something because I can’t find it. I don’t want to end up like my mother. She has organized towers of stuff surrounding her in almost every room in the house. Everything had sentimental value to her and the thought of getting rid of anything gives her anxiety.

I’m going to try and fill one box a day to go to the Good Will. Wish me luck.